Everything I Used to be is Coming Back to Torture Me

Clover sat in the bland, slightly uncomfortable lobby seat closest to the set of double doors that acted as the front entrance into the rehabilitation center. At even the slightest hint of a car’s engine, Clover craned her neck, attempting to peer through one of the windows at the circular drive at the front of the center. That last one was a false alarm, just a car driving by on its merry way, and Clover deflated, slumping back into her seat. She glanced up at the clock on the wall behind the receptionist’s desk and was dismayed to find that there was still ten minutes left before her visitors were meant to arrive.

Clover’s rehabilitation was right on track, so as a reward, her counselor Maria Sue decided to allow three people of Clover’s choosing to come visit her at the center. Receiving permission to have friends visit was an incredible privilege at Serenity Sobriety Center, and it was an incentive many of the patients worked hard towards. Patients usually didn’t enroll into rehabilitation just because of their own health; many of them had friends and family, people back home, to become sober for. Clover’s driving force was her friends, the friends she now viewed as her true family, the only true family she’d ever really known. Upon hearing that Clover was allowed a visit, she chose Matt, Brian, and Michelle. She’d grown closest to the three of them; during her time at the center, she’d been missing them the most.

Clover shot to her feet at the sound of a car engine approaching, growing louder the closer it got to the center. She glanced at the clock, saw that it was right at the time when her visitors would be arriving, and skipped over to the double doors to look through the four foot tall oval windows set into each door. Clover squealed with happiness as she recognized Brian’s Escalade. Patients weren’t allowed beyond the entrance doors, but when Clover looked over at the receptionist with wide, pleading eyes, the woman sitting behind the desk simply couldn’t turn her down.

“Go on out there, Clover,” the woman said with a warm smile. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

With another wordless noise of pure happiness, Clover launched out of the door and quickly proceeded to wrap herself, arms and legs and all, around Matt right as he climbed out of the back of Brian’s vehicle. Matt laughed, wrapping his arms back around her as she squeezed him with all her might, which wasn’t that much. After a few moments, she realized that Brian and Michelle were probably out of the car by now and squirmed out of Matt’s grasp. She went for Michelle next, wrapping her arms tightly around the other woman’s neck. Michelle laughed lightly in Clover’s ear and hugged her back. It didn’t last long, and then Clover was launching herself at Brian, colliding hard with his chest as her arms found their way around his waist.

“Huh, think she missed me?” Brian asked over Clover’s head as he hugged her back, squeezing her hard enough to pop her back.

“I can’t tell,” Michelle answered with a smile as Clover pulled away from Brian, grinning around at them, looking almost punch drunk.

“C’mon, I better get inside before someone sees me out here,” Clover said, grabbing Michelle’s arm and dragging her towards the door. “Patients aren’t allowed out in front here.”

They walked back into the lobby. Clover kept glancing over her shoulder at them, almost like she was worried they’d be gone if she didn’t check up on them once in a while.

“Man, I’m starving,” Clover said. “They have a buffet-style cafeteria here, so we can grab some food and head outside. It’s much too beautiful of a day to stay in the cafeteria, and besides, it’ll be more private outside.”

Clover led the way over to an empty table away from the crowd once they’d gotten their food. All of the tables were set up on a huge deck connected to the side of the center. They were simple patio tables with a red and white striped umbrella spread over each one. As Clover walked in front of them to take them to the table, Brian noticed how healthy she looked. The sunlight streamed through her thick, shiny chocolate brown hair and reflected off her glowing skin. It looked as though she’d put back on the weight she’d lost during her addiction. She now looked more like the Clover he knew from before the tour.

“So anything interesting going on back home?” Clover asked, her pale hazel eyes glimmering brightly even in the shade under the umbrella. Brian thought maybe she looked even happier now than she had before the tour. Finally she must’ve been letting go of the darkness she’d been holding inside her for so long.

“Not since our last letter,” Michelle answered with a smile. “You look great, sweetheart. You must really like it here.”

“I do,” Clover gushed. “It’s not Huntington Beach, though. It’s not home. Home is with you guys, and that’s what I’m striving for. But it’s nice here. Nice enough.”

“Everyone else sends their regards,” Matt said.

“They weren’t angry that I didn’t choose them, were they?” Clover asked.

“Of course not,” Brian answered. “They know that you’re closest to the three of us. They didn’t take it personally.”

“I’m glad,” Clover said, sounding relieved.

The four of them kept up a steady stream of conversation between bites. Once they were all finished with their lunch, they went back into the cafeteria to put their trays, plates, silverware, and glasses on the conveyor belt that took them into the kitchen. Then, Clover took them on a tour of the center. She talked in a lively manner the entire time, barely pausing to take any breaths. Michelle, Brian, and Matt just smiled and let her talk. She first showed them her little studio apartment and the great view it had before taking them to meet her counselor and some of her friends that she’d met in the center. The other patients seemed like very friendly people and Brian was glad to see that Clover had nice friends here to talk to. Then, Clover took them on a tour of the grounds. She showed them her favorite places to relax and the best places to watch the sunset. Three o’clock came around much too soon for any of them, and it was time for them to leave.

They stood in the lobby, wrapping up their conversation, all of them reluctant to depart. Clover thought it seemed harder to see them go this time. It wasn’t this hard when she was leaving the hospital. It was hard then, too, but not this hard. Maybe her emotions were just numb from all the abuse she’d been putting her body through.

“Okay, munchkin, we’ve got to go,” Brian said, stepping forward and wrapping his arms around the young woman he considered his little sister. Clover hugged him back, pressing her face into his shoulder. They released each other, and then Clover hugged both Michelle and Matt.

“Don’t worry, honey,” Michelle reassured her. “You’ll be outta here before you know it. This isn’t the last goodbye, not by a longshot.”

“I know,” Clover answered with a sad smile. “Until we meet again?”

“Until we meet again,” Brian agreed. Clover gave each of them one last, quick hug, and then the three of them turned away and went out the lobby door. Clover watched them go, waiting until she could no longer hear the engine of the Escalade, and then turned around and trudged back to her room.

She’d only been allowed to brood in her room for a few minutes when a knock came at the door. Clover called the knocker in, and Maggie and Sammie stepped into the room. Sammie had seamlessly slipped into the little duo between Maggie and Clover, making it a trio much like the Three Musketeers. She was an incredibly sweet girl who, like Clover, had simply made some mistakes in her young age and wanted to turn her life around.

“We saw you with people,” Maggie announced as she plopped down on the bed beside Clover. Sammie sunk down into the small armchair sitting in the corner of the tiny apartment. “Who were they? The muscular one was mighty cute.” Maggie wiggled her eyebrows and Clover giggled.

Before Clover could answer, however, Sammie beat her to the punch. “They were M. Shadows and Synyster Gates, right?” She looked to Clover for confirmation.

“Yes ma’am,” Clover answered. “Matt and Brian and Brian’s wife Michelle. And, by the way, Matt’s married too. Sorry, Maggie.”

Maggie looked disappointed, sticking out her bottom lip and clearly pouting. She quickly smiled back at Clover, no doubt sensing the sadness radiating off of her friend. Maggie was incredibly adept at figuring out people’s emotions.

“Now, don’t be sad, lass,” Maggie said, reaching over and patting Clover on the knee. “You ought to think of this visit as a reminder of who you’re doing this rehab for. Let it motivate you to work as hard as you can towards full recovery.”

“I know,” Clover answered with a nod. “I just miss them a lot.”

“Of course you do,” Maggie said sympathetically. “But soon enough you’ll be out of here. Just think of that.”

“Okay,” Clover said, nodding.

“Hey, we should hit the beach for a bit,” Sammie suggested. The other two agreed without hesitation.