Driven to Distraction

After our first date, things between John and I seemed to be nearly perfect. We did the normal things teenagers in love did: we parked by each other in the school lot, and walked to class together; we held hands in the hallway and sneaked kisses when possible; we went on dates when both our schedules permitted and we stayed talking on the phone through all hours of the night. I couldn’t have been happier.

But then the date that I had learned to fear a year ago came, and I discovered this almost empty feeling inside of me. Nothing in my routine life had changed, but there seemed to be a change inside of me. As the day neared, I found myself shutting down and pulling away from everyone, including John.

When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was the picture of my mother laying on my nightstand. It was a picture of us from when I five years old at the Grand Canyon. Although I was, and still am, deathly afraid of heights, holding my mother’s hand gave me comfort, and I was able to smile into the camera.

I heard footsteps coming toward my room, and I blinked my tears away, sitting up.

“Ketely,” my father called before coming into my room. When he saw me, his eyes softened and he gave me a sad smile. “I know that as a father I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but I’ll understand if you don’t feel up to going to school today. I have a case that needs my attention, so I’ll be gone, but if you want to stay home, you have my permission, pumpkin.”

I didn’t know what came over me, but I jumped out of my bed and lunged towards him, wrapping my arms around him as tightly as I could. “I love you,” I whispered into his ear, trying not to cry.

He gave me a squeeze and placed a kiss on my cheek. “I love you, too, Ketely.”

I pulled away and wiped my eyes, trying to smile. “H – have a good day at work, dad.”

He gave a light sigh and nodded his head. “I’ll try. I’ll call when I’m on my way home.”

I nodded my head as he walked out of my room, and once he was gone, I laid back down in my bed. My phone began buzzing beside me and I knew it had to be John, he was the only one who ever called me this early.

Even though he knew why I had been so distant during the week, he’d never come right out and said it. I didn’t know if it was because he was afraid of how I’d react, or if he just thought it was better not mentioning it, but either way, I was slightly grateful. Even after a year, I still didn’t know how to talk about my mother being gone.

I tried to ignore the ringing, but after awhile, it began to give me a headache so I sat up and snatched my phone.

“Hey, John,” I answered, trying to sound as I always did.

“Hey, you okay, babe?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m not gonna be going to school today, so you can go hang with the guys this morning.”

“I’m coming over,” he stated.

“What? John, I’m fine.”

“Ketely, the fact that you’re not going to school is one thing, but the fact that today is … today, I’m one-hundred percent certain that you’re not fine. I’ll be over in twenty minutes.”

He hung up before I even had a chance to respond, and I sighed, throwing my phone next to me on the bed. I had no energy to even move from my bed, but I decided that brushing my teeth might be a good thing if John was coming over.

After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I laid back in my bed and cuddled my pillow to my chest. My eyes landed on the picture once again, and I picked it up, holding it in my hand.

I’d never really realized the resemblance between my mother and I when she was alive, but looking at this picture now, I could see so many things. We had the same oval-shaped face and bone structure. Our noses were both slightly rounded at the tip, and our lips were both full and slightly pink.

Staring at the picture, I had to wonder how it was my father could even look at me; I was almost the spitting image of my mother. Looking at me had to hurt him somehow.

I jumped at the sound of the doorbell, and carefully placed the picture back down on the stand. I made my way out of my room and downstairs, opening the door. John was dressed in dark blue jeans and a black tee shirt. His hair was still dripping with water, and he looked concerned.

“Come in,” I told him.

He stepped inside and I shut the door. “Your dad went to work?”

I nodded my head. “Yeah, he had a case to work on.”

He pulled me into his arms, and I suddenly felt safe; his arms acted as a barrier from the real world and that was something I desperately needed. “I’m here if you want to talk, Ketely. I’m not that great at advice, but I can try.”

I couldn’t help but to smile, although tears were pricking my eyes. “Thank you, John.”

He led us into the living room and we plopped down on the couch. Once again, he wrapped his arm around me and I cuddled into his side. “Are you hungry or anything?”

I shook my head and heard him sigh. He rubbed small circles on my arm with his thumb, and I laid with my head pressed against his chest, eyes closed. It was quiet between us, and it was comforting. Just him being there was enough for me.

“Hey, K,” he said after awhile, his voice raspy from not having talked.

“Mmm?” I hummed.

“Let’s go visit your mom.”

My eyes immediately popped open and I pulled away from him. “L – like, to her grave?”

He nodded his head. “I think it would be nice, babe.”

I wanted to argue with him, to tell him that I hadn’t gone to visit my mother’s grave since her funeral, but I didn’t want to. Going to visit her grave would be a nice thing to do, and I’d have him by my side. “Uh, s – sure. Let me just change.”

“I’ll wait down here,” he said.

I ran up to my room and threw on a pair of jeans and an old white NYU shirt that I had gotten from Danny months back. I tossed my hair into a sloppy bun and grabbed my phone before going back down to the living room.

“I’m ready.”

He gave me a smile. “Let’s go.”

I followed him out to his car and once we were both buckled in, he began driving. We were both quiet, but we held hands over the center console and really, that was all that I needed at that moment. Music flowed in softly from the speakers, and I listened as John lightly hummed along, bringing a smile to my face.

When we pulled to the front of a flower shop, I looked at John, furrowing my brows.

“What are we doing here?”

“I figured we could buy some flowers and place them on her grave,” he stated before opening his door and getting out.

I followed behind him and once we were inside the small shop, the fragrance of fresh flowers hit my nostrils. We walked around, looking at the different types.

“Which one should we get?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Do you know what her favorite was?”

It wasn’t until he asked me that, that I noticed a bouquet of pink, orange and white orchids laying on a table. They were beautiful.

“We both love orchids,” I smiled before walking over and grabbing the bouquet.

“Perfect,” he smiled.

He paid for the orchids and we went back out to his car. I stared at the flowers, playing with the petals as we drove to the cemetery. They were bright and warm and I knew that my mother would love them.

After we parked, I led the way to her grave with John behind me. Once I saw the marble tombstone, tears flooded my eyes and I found it suddenly hard to breathe. I felt John’s arms around me from behind, and his mouth near my ear.

“It’s okay to cry, K,” he whispered, tightening his grip around me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I – it’s just, she’s never gonna see me grow up, John. She’s not gonna see me go to prom, or get married, or have kids … and all of the little moments in between, she won’t be here to see. I need her here, but she can’t be,” I whispered, my voice cracking here and there.

“Hey, hey, she’s gonna see all those things, Ketely. She may not physically be here, but she’s watching down on you.” He spun me around and cradled my face in his hands. “You carry her in your heart, and she’ll always be with you, baby.”

I began full on crying, my body shaking with sobs. John held me close and rocked us back and forth, trying to calm me down. I hadn’t cried like this in so long, and it just felt good to have everything be let out.

When I managed to calm down, John let me go and took the bouquet from my hands. He smiled as he kneeled down, placing it just underneath the tombstone. I kneeled beside him and wiped my eyes, trying to smile.

“You had an amazing daughter, Mrs. Morrison and she loves and misses you a whole lot. I’ll do my best to take care of her, though, I promise,” he spoke, his head lifted, looking towards the sky.

It may have been too soon, but I knew that at that exact moment, I was in love with John and that he would have a spot in my heart in which no other boy would ever be able to fill.