Driven to Distraction

For a lot of couples, especially couples like John and I, space apart helps to mend the relationship. It usually helps them to remember why they decided to get together in the first place, why they fell in love with each other. However, the physical and emotional distance between John and I didn’t do either of those things.

I didn’t want to count on my father for the entirety of my school expenses, so I had gotten a job waitressing at a local restaurant to help out with the costs. My shift usually started at seven in the morning and, by my own request, ended at seven in the evening. My dad was busy with work and I hated being home by myself, so I jumped at the opportunity to get out of the house. By the time I went home, my feet ached and I was usually too tired to do anything else but lie around on the couch and watch TV.

The first two weeks that the boys and Kelsi were gone, John was steady about calling and texting me. Sometimes I’d wake up in the morning and see that he had already sent me a ‘good morning, beautiful’ text, which was enough to put a smile on my face and make work bearable. On my breaks, we would have amazing fifteen minute phone calls that made my heart swell and ache at the same time. By the time my shift ended and I was at home, it was usually about the time the boys were set to be on stage and so I wouldn’t be able to talk to him until sometime around after eleven, which was a pain for me, being that I had to get up so early in the morning, but I dealt with it.

But then the calls and texts came to a slow, and I would sit staring at my phone for hours, just hoping for it to ring. Even if it was for nothing more than a five minute phone call, I would have made the most of those five minutes. But, I didn’t get even that. I would space apart the times I texted him, sending one every hour and thirty minutes, hoping that it didn’t sound too desperate or pathetic of me. But I missed him. I mean, really missed him.

Kelsi and the guys’ calls and texts also came to a slow, but it was nothing compared to John’s absence. I didn’t want to bother them with my worries, as I was sure they had enough to worry about. And, after all, my relationship with John wasn’t something they needed to be stressed out about.

June 28th, a Wednesday night, I came home from work completely exhausted and with the front of my shirt covered in red ketchup stains, the artwork of a two-year-old who had gotten squirt happy with the condiment bottle. All that I wanted was to have myself a nice, warm bubble bath and to get the smell of food off of my skin. And that was exactly what I did.

I lit a few candles around my bathtub and shed my clothes before stepping into the warm water, instantly relaxing my tense muscles. A content sigh slipped past my lips and I smiled, resting the back of my neck against the edge of the tub. I had set my phone on the ground, hoping that at any moment it would ring. I tried to distract myself, playing with bubbles like a child and singing aloud to whatever songs popped into my head, but nothing worked. And finally, with a long sigh, I grabbed the phone and speed-dialed John’s number, hoping that he would answer.

“ … He – hello?” he answered after four rings.

“Hey, John,” I smiled, trying to make my voice sound as peppy as I could.

“Oh, hey, Key. How’s it going?”

I resisted the urge to verbally abuse him. “Good, I guess. Are you guys playing tonight?”

“Yeah, we go on in a few minutes actually,” he told me.

I nodded my head. “Where are you guys at tonight?”

“Chicago,” he said.

“Oh, that’s nice. Did you get to see the city at all?”

There were a few muffled noises before he spoke again. “ … Ketely, I have to go.”

“But, Jo-“

“I promise I’ll call you as soon as we get off stage, Key,” he said.

I instantly became enraged. “Don’t – don’t fucking lie to me, John! You won’t call me! You always say you will but you never do!”

“What do you want me to do, Ketely?! This is my job!” he argued, his tone matching my own.

“I understand that and I support your job, John! But I’m your girlfriend! I get one fucking phone call a week if I’m lucky and ignored the rest!”

“Hey, I offered you the chance to come! Don’t act like I didn’t consider you at all when we left!”

“That’s not what I’m saying! Don’t put words into my mouth!”

“Then what the fuck are you saying, Ketely!? I don’t have time to stand here and bullshit with you! I’ve got to get on fucking stage!” he shouted, and it took all I had not to completely break down at right that moment.

“So is that what our conversations are then – bullshit?” I asked softly, clearly hurt.

“Oh, God, Key! Please, not right now!” he begged, as if I were putting him through something excruciating. “I’ve really gotta go! I’ll call you later!” He hung up before I could say anything more and I stared at my phone, wondering when my boyfriend had changed.

We’d had arguments before, of course, but he had never so deliberately hurt my feelings. Not like this.

And he didn’t call back. Not even a text to apologize. In fact, we didn’t talk until he, the boys and Kelsi returned home two weeks later on July 12th.

_________________________________________________________

Mr. and Mrs. O’Callaghan had decided to throw a ‘Welcome Back’ party for their son and his friends. Of course, I had been one of the first invited and although I wasn’t particularly excited to go, John’s parents had no idea that he and I weren’t on speaking terms and I wasn’t going to be the one to tell them. So I agreed to attend.

Pat, Garrett, Jared, Kennedy and Kelsi’s parents had all come as well, and were spread about in the O’Callaghan backyard. I had held a small conversation with Trey, Garrett’s older brother, but when he realized I wasn’t exactly in the mood to talk, he politely excused himself and went to strike up a conversation with Ross. It wasn’t like I was trying to be anti-social, but my mind was just a million miles away and I couldn’t seem to really concentrate on anything for more than sixty seconds.

When the sounds of a car pulling into the driveway sounded, everyone immediately began dashing for the front yard and like a zombie, I just stood in place near the picnic table, staring as they all ran with excited smiles on their faces. It wasn’t until I felt a hand on my forearm that I broke out of my trance.

“Come on, they’re here,” Shane said with a childish smile that almost made my heart hurt; I longed for the days when things seemed so much simpler and when I hated, rather than loved, his older brother.

“Yeah, let’s go,” I tried to smile, grabbing his hand as he pulled me out to the front.

Everyone was hugging and talking and laughing and I watched as Shane left my side, running up to his older brother. John immediately pulled him into a hug, laughing and saying something along the lines of “hey, little man”.

“Ketely Jewel Morrison!” Kelsi squealed, running toward me and nearly tackling me to the ground with a hug. “I missed your pretty little face!”

I laughed and wrapped my arms around her. “I missed you, too, Kelsi Ann Jacobs!”

“I have so much to tell you!” she stated, lowering her voice as her eyes trailed toward Kennedy.

It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I smiled because Kelsi was my best friend and she deserved me to be happy for her. “I can’t wait to hear everything!” I said with fake enthusiasm.

“My Jewel!” Garrett exclaimed, pulling me into a hug.

I smiled. “Hey, Gary. You smell like a boy,” I said, my nose scrunched.

He laughed. “I am a boy, Jewel!”

“Could have fooled me! Hey, Ketely!” Jared teased Garrett before pushing him away and giving me a hug.

“There’s my favorite ginger. How’re you, Jare?”

He smiled. “Great! I managed to keep the sunburning to a minimum.”

I laughed and gave hugs to Kennedy and Pat before everyone began heading toward the backyard. John swung his arms back and forth awkwardly before settling on tucking them into his pockets. He walked slowly to me, looking past me rather than at me.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” I mocked.

He licked his lips. “I – I’m glad you came, Key.”

“Yeah?” He nodded his head. “I almost didn’t.”

“… Why did you?” he asked, his brows arched.

“Because your parents don’t know what’s going on between us,” I told him.

He nodded his head. “Well … what is going on between us?” He looked almost afraid to ask the question and I rolled my eyes.

“I don’t know, John, you tell me. You say you’re going to call me ‘later’ and then proceed to hang up on me. It’s been two weeks. What exactly did you mean by ‘later’?” I asked, using my fingers to make air quotes.

He rubbed the back of his neck, not looking me in the eyes. “I meant to call, Ketely, I really did. It’s just – every time I would dial your number I would hang up because I didn’t know how you were going to react.”

“So instead of calling me like a reasonable person would, you ignored me?”

“I guess,” he sighed. “Ketely, I’m sorry. I really did miss you. Really.”

“I’m sure you did.”

He reached for my arm, pulling me closer to him. “I did.” He placed a short peck on my lips and I stared into his green orbs.

I wanted to say something – anything, really – but I didn’t. Instead, I laced our fingers together and said, “Let’s eat.”

As the night went on, to my surprise, more people began to show up; "friends of the guys", Garrett had told me. And as the adults all headed home, alcohol began breaking out, but I wasn’t in the mood for drinking. Instead, I decided to talk to Kelsi, who was munching on a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips.

“Hey,” I smiled, taking a seat beside her.

“Hey, girl. I feel like I haven’t seen you all night,” she said.

I let out a small laugh. “You haven’t. So, how was tour?”

A wide smile tugged at her lips. “Oh my God, it was amazing, Ketely! Seriously! Every night there’s tour bus parties and there are more cute boys on the road than you can even imagine! Kennedy almost went crazy trying to keep them away from me.”

“Away from you, or you away from them?” I teased, nudging her shoulder.

She laughed. “A little of both, actually. But you know I would never cheat on Kennedy.”

“That I do.”

She sighed as she rolled up the bag of chips. “But really, it was great, K. I really wish you could have come. We were in a different city every night, and it’s just amazing seeing how many fans the guys are getting.”

“Really? They have that many fans?”

She nodded her head. “They do. Believe me, I was shocked, too. But it’s great for them. They get this glow right before they go out on stage. It’s adorable, really …”

I glanced out over at the guys who were all busy talking to each other or to someone else as Kelsi continued to talk about the tour. It seemed almost surreal to imagine them having fans and playing in different cities, but I was proud of them; proud of them for working so hard to make their dreams come true.

“ … And John, oh, John. He’s so much more confident than he was when they first started, thank God. He even talks in between songs now,” she said.

My eyes fell on John, who was sitting near the fire with a girl with a beautiful mess of black curls framing her face. The fire was casting shadows on her pale skin and I could see the side of her face beaming with laughter as John was talking to her. I felt my heart sink. Why wasn’t I the one he was trying to make laugh and smile like that?

“Twenty bucks says I can drink this!” Pat said, sliding in the seat across from Kelsi and me, Garrett right beside him.

“What is it?” Kelsi asked, an amused look on her face.

“I blended a little bit of tobasco sauce, a few pickles, a couple of scoops of chili and a dash of salt together. Oh, and a little bit of cheesecake for dessert,” Garrett stated, smiling proudly.

“That is disgusting,” I said, nearly gagging at the sound of it all.

Kelsi nodded her head. “If you drink that, I will throw up.”

Pat laughed. “It’s not that bad. Look, it’s all blended together.” He swished the mess in the glass; globs of it swirled around and upset my stomach.

“I’ll count you off,” Garrett told him. Pat nodded his head and raised the glass to his lips. “1-“

“Don’t!” Kelsi begged, stifling back a laugh.

“2-“

“Please!”

“3!” Garrett rushed, and Pat quickly began downing the drink. “Oh my God! You’re fucking gross, dude!” he yelled, covering his eyes as Pat continued downing the glass.

“I’m gonna be sick,” Kelsi added, looking away from the sight.

I couldn’t help but to laugh as I watched Pat chug the drink. I laughed so hard that tears came to my eyes and my stomach began hurting, causing both Kelsi and Garrett to stare at me. When Pat finished, he slammed the glass down on the picnic table before an ill look crossed his face.

“Oh, shit!” he cursed before jumping up from the table and running into the O’Callaghan household.

Garrett then began laughing. “Poor kid. He never stood a chance.”

Kelsi laughed. “You better give him his twenty bucks.”

“Or what?” he challenged.

“Or I’ll knock out a few of your front teeth and make you look like a hillbilly,” Kelsi told him.

“Well … I have always wanted to look like one of those.”

“You’re such a …”

My ears suddenly went deaf as I caught sight of John’s fingertips sliding up the girl’s thighs, which were barely covered by her floral dress. Their faces were inching closer and closer together and I felt my stomach twisting into a thousand knots, a sob choking in my throat.

“Ketely … Ketely!” Kelsi called, waving her hand in front of my face. “What’s wrong?” She followed my gaze and when she saw what I was watching happening, she immediately stood up. “John fucking O’Callaghan!” she yelled, venom dripping in her voice.

Everyone, and I do mean everyone turned to look at John, who looked like a deer caught in headlights. His hand was still on the girl’s thigh and their lips were centimeters from touching.

“Oh, fuck,” Garrett whispered as Kelsi left the table, stomping her way toward the two. “John is so fucking dead!”

“How dare you, you fucking asshole?!” she seethed, leaping to hit John in the face, but was pulled back by Kennedy.

“Kelsi! Kelsi, calm down!” he told her, wrapping his arms around her.

“No! He doesn’t get to sit here and kiss some fucking stupid bitch in front of all our friends and his girlfriend – my best fucking friend! I beat your ass in the seventh grade and I’ll do it again, John!”

The sound of a door opening came from beside me and I turned to see John’s mom standing in the doorway.

“What’s going on? Kelsi? John?” she asked, looking between the two.

Kelsi’s facial expression softened and she shook her head. “I’m so sorry, Mrs. O’Callaghan. Thanks for having us over. We need to go,” she told Kennedy, a cold look that I had never seen before in her eyes. She walked over to me and grabbed my hands. “You can stay the night at my house, K.”

I simply nodded my head as warm tears tumbled down my cheeks. I stood up and let her pull me into her arms as we walked out of the backyard and toward the driveway. I heard Kennedy mumbling a few words before his footsteps sounded behind us.

“Uh … All we have is the van. I’m gonna have to drop you and Ketely off and then come back to pick up the guys,” he said, looking sympathetic.

“That’s fine,” Kelsi nodded.

“Ketely! Ketely, wait!” I turned around, seeing John running toward me. “Please, please just wait!”

“Fuck off, John,” Kelsi spat.

“Do you mind if I talk to my girlfriend?” John questioned curtly, giving Kelsi a look.

“Oh, so now you know you have a girlfriend?” she countered and Kennedy grabbed her arm.

“Let’s just take a quick walk, babe,” he offered.

It took a moment, but Kelsi hesitantly nodded her head before looking at me. “We’ll be right back, K.”

I nodded my head. “Okay,” I whispered.

Once they were out of sight, John grabbed my hands. “Ketely, I’m so sorry,” he apologized. “I – I just – I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“You don’t know what you were thinking?” I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest.

He sighed and ran a hand through his unruly locks. “I wanted to talk to you all night, but I just – I didn’t know how. You were so pissed off at me and I didn’t know how to make things right. I thought if I had a couple drinks it would help give me some courage but then – then I don’t know.” He waved his arms in the air as if it were going to help him. “Naomi came and sat down next to me and we just – we just started talking. I started telling her about you, about what happened …”

“And then you just so happened to start touching her and kissing her, right?” my voice was surprisingly calm for how chaotic I was feeling on the inside.

“I wouldn’t have kissed her!” he argued.

“Bull-fucking-shit, John! Your lips were practically touching, but you’re gonna stand there and lie to me in my fucking face!?” There was the chaos.

“I would have pushed her away! I would have told you! If I was going to cheat on you, I wouldn’t do it in my own fucking backyard right in front of everyone!” he yelled.

“Oh, you wouldn’t!? You are so full of shit!” I seethed, grabbing at my hair.

“Would it have been the worst thing if I had kissed her, Ketely!? I mean, considering everything that’s happened in the past few weeks, it looked to me like a break up was coming anyway!” I stared wide-eyed at him, not having any words for what he was saying. “At least we were having a normal conversation and she wasn’t bitching or nagging at me! I mean, fuck, Ketely! That’s all we do! We go around in this fucking shit circle and it just never ends! It never ends!”

“If you wanted to break up with me, John, all you had to do was say so! You didn’t need to fucking make a fool out of me!” I cried, my body shaking and my heart heavy. I turned around to go find Kelsi and Kennedy when I heard footsteps.

“John, I told you to fucking go after her and apologize! Not act like a dick!” Garrett shouted, coming toward us.

I turned around slowly, looking John dead in the eyes. “You – you weren’t even going to come after me?” I said, laughing dryly.

“I was going to, Ketely,” he told me, a stoic look on his face.

“Right.”

He let out a groan and kicked the concrete. “Does it make a fucking difference!? I came after you, and isn’t that the point!?”

“No, it’s not the fucking point, John! The point is that you’ve become this asshole who I can’t stand to be around!”

“And what makes you think you’re so fucking pleasant to be around, Ketely?!” he argued, his eyes narrowing in on me.

“Okay, okay, enough!” Garrett chimed in, stepping in between us. “John, go inside.”

“This is my fucking house! I’m not going anywhere!”

Garrett opened his mouth to protest but I shook my head. “No, don’t bother, Garrett. I’m going home.”

I had forgotten all about Kelsi and Kennedy as I made my way down John’s driveway. The night air was suddenly quieter than I ever remembered it being and I wouldn’t have stopped walking if he hadn’t said anything.

“I won’t come after you a second time, Ketely,” John said, not a hint of doubt in his voice.

I turned around slowly, my heart shattering all over again as I caught his eyes. “I wouldn’t expect you to, John.”