Always Something More

It was another boring night. Dad was working late and Carmen was out with the boys. I would do anything to have everyone forgive me and let me hangout with them.

In some way John was passed what happened. But I guess when you look at the whole picture, I wasn’t really hurting John, just Carmen and Garrett. And I didn’t fully understand why Kennedy was upset I guess that was a different story thought.

I was sitting on the kitchen counter, playing my music and eating a small snack. Anberlin, Dismantle.Repair was playing when Carmen stormed in and went to the refrigerator.

“Hey. How was hanging out with the boys?” I popped another grape in my mouth, and she whipped around quickly “Can you just stop? Stop being so fake?” her eyes were red and glossy, as if she had been crying. “Are you okay Car?” I honestly said that with care. “No! I’m not okay.” She started off saying it harshly but faded and she started to cry.

I got up and went to her side “Car what happened?” I put my hand on her back and started to run it up and down. She might have been a bitch but I still cared for her and I wanted to be there for her. She turned around and hugged me and put my arms around her and hugged her. We were like that for a while, I didn’t want to ruin this moment.

“John and I got into a fight. About you.” We pulled away and I gave her a worried look “No matter what, he’ll always want you in his life.” I felt bad. Me and John did always hang out when we were younger and we’d sometimes leave out Carmen. But I knew how much Carmen loved John and John loved Carmen, I knew he did. “You know Carmen, I’ve always been so jealous of you.” She gave me a small smile, “your life is so easy and perfect, and I wish I was you.”

“Oh shut up, you got to run away and start over, I’m jealous of you.” She stopped crying and we went to the living room and sat on a love seat and faced each other.

“Carmen you know what John said to me before I left?” she shook her head “he told me that he loved you and wated to marry you one of these days.” Her eyes widened and you could she was trying to hold back her smile.

“When at the party did he tell you that?” I got nervous, the way she asked that made me uneasy. “Umm I-I don’t remember.” She shook her head and stood up. “I can’t believe you. He told you before everything and –and you were still ok to fuck him? You slut!” she started to walk away; I just sat there looking down at my lap. I didn’t know what to say.

“How could you?” she stopped and turned around “I thought you were my sister, my best friend and you go off and did probably the worst things you could possibly do. Why did do you it?” I softly shrugged my shoulders. “You’re a coward. You got what you wanted and then you ran off to mom. Of all people, the one who could care less about you?” She was taking this way too far. “Don’t you say that, that’s not fair.” I stood up and walked over to her.

“Why? Because its true? Tell me, when you went back to her, was she there for you? Did she lend you her shoulder to cry on and tell you everything would be ok?” I stayed quiet. “That’s what I thought, mom hasn’t changed one bit.”

She turned around and was heading for the stairs. “You want to know what else John told me that night?” she didn’t stop walk but I knew she was listening. “He said he loved you” she stopped mid way up the stairs but didn’t turn and look at me. “But he wanted me!” she looked over at me “he wanted you? But he loved me? Wow Rae just wow.” She was shaking her head and smiling “Did you actually think that him wanting you was more than him loving me?” to be honest I did. That night, the look in his eyes said it all, everything before that night added up, I knew he loved me. “He wanted you for sex, he was a drunk mess that night, he would of said that to any girl, you set him up to say that to you.” Tears were forming in my eyes but I couldn’t show them to Carmen, I bit down on my lip to stop the tears but she saw my weakness and scoffed “You are something Rae, I can’t believe you thought he” she put her fingers and did air quotes “Loved you” and let them fall to her sides “he must really love you if he’s still with me.” And with that she went to her room. And I actually hear a muffled cry, I felt bad but she had said some nasty things also.

I went back into the kitchen and looked at my phone. I had one new message from an unknown number

Unknown 8:50 p.m.
“So are you going to the concert tomorrow night?”

I didn’t know who it was, but I had a feeling it was one of the boys; at least I hoped it was. I responded quickly. “I’m not sure, who is this?”

A minute later. “Its Kennedy. Sorry. I think you should come, I want to see you.”
“I don’t know Ken. No one wants me to be there”

”Well I want you there, that should be enough”

I smiled to myself. “Could you pick me up and we could go together?”

” I can’t, Garrett is driving and no offence but I don’t think he’d want to pick you up. But text me when you get there and I’ll meet you at the door.”

“Okay that sounds good.”

”Can't wait to see you!!”

“Haha same here:]”

For the rest of the night, I thought about what it’d be like to be at a concert in Arizona. They were always the best; the crowd always had so much excitement and energy. I thought about what I should wear. My dad would probably be working so I couldn’t go out and get a new outfit which was ok because I needed to save more of my money. Tomorrow was going to be a long day, staying at home waiting to leave. And then I thought about what time I had to be there.

“What time do I need to be there?”

Kennedy texted back a few minutes later. “ Meet me at the door at 5, but make sure you text me when you get there.”

“Will Do.”

I had to tell Andy that I was seeing The Maine, he’d probably be way more excited than me and he’d probably give me a list of songs to check out before I saw them.

I decided to text him first. “Guess who I’m seeing tomorrow?”

He didn’t text back so I went outside to enjoy the summer night. It was pretty peaceful out here, the crickets were chirping, the wind was softly blowing and you could just see a few stars up in the sky.

Andy finally text me back ”Who are you seeing tomorrow?”

“The Maine” I couldn’t wait to see how his reaction was. I knew he was a fan but I wasn’t sure if he was a “fan boy” or not. He didn’t seem like the type to be a fan boy but you never knew.

Instead of texting back he called me; I didn’t get a chance to talk because he was already screaming. “Shut up no way. They are amazing live. You’re going to have so much fun. Take me with you?” I started to laugh I guess he was a fan boy.

“I wish I could that’d be fun. I’m pretty excited I guess. I just don’t want to be awkward, but Kennedy said he’d be with me so I guess that’s a good thing.”

“See I told you everything would be ok, it’s getting there. So I guess that means I can come down soon?” I was still unsure about this one. I mean I was making progress with people getting on my side but there was still tension.

“Yeah soon, I promise. “ I did want to see him. I missed him and everyone in Michigan

“Good because I need to see you soon I miss you too much. I’ve been writing a lot of songs lately hopefully I’ll be done with one when I come down. “I got pretty excited, showing Andy my hometown would be pretty awesome. I could take him to all the hangout spots and just show him my life, without the drama. “I’m so excited now. We’ll have so much fun. “

We talked for a little bit longer and then we got off. I went back into my room, it started to get cold outside and I was in a tank top and shorts. As I was getting closer to the top of the stairs I didn’t hear Carmen crying anymore so she either stopped crying or she went to bed.

We might have gotten in a bigger fight but I’m glad we talked and just said our feelings but I knew there were way more feelings and Carmen was holding back. I couldn’t stop thinking about John and what Carmen had said. She was right, he didn’t “love” me all he wanted was my body, and that really hurt. Before tonight I always thought john had something for me, but it made sense now, he just wanted me for sex and he loved my sister and wanted to be with her. I once again came in second.