Distorted

After the visit to the cemetery, I decided I wanted to go home and talk to my mom about the letter I found. I hadn't talked to anyone about it and I wanted to discuss it with her before my session with Dr. Alder tomorrow. I wonder if she would tell me to find him, or stay here and just wonder what could have been.

I wasn't even sure what I wanted to do. In all honesty, I hadn't thought about the letter for awhile. It's not that I didn't want to, it's just that to me, there were more pressing matters at hand. Like the nightmares. Something told me they were just going to keep getting worse. And what if I had a dream about killing Jared, and then he's found dead?

Even though I'm not actually the one doing these things, it's terrifying to know that someone is. I feel like whoever it is, is trying to get to me, because they're murdering the people around me. First John, then Cassie. Who was next? That was the hardest thing to thing about. About who out of the people around me would be savagely killed, either shot, stabbed, or whatever else the killer chose to do to them.

These were the things I thought about as Jude drove me to my house. We didn't talk about Abbie, though I was curious, and we didn't talk about the kiss that never should have happened. We didn't talk about anything he turned down my road. Then he turned to me, his eyes serious.

"Kendall." His voice was urgent now. "I have to tell you something."

I looked at him. "If it's about the kiss, don't worry about it. I know it was wrong, that I shouldn't have done it. I have a boyfriend."

Jude scoffed. "Right. A boyfriend who just pushes you away and leaves you standing alone in an empty school parking lot. Tell me, have you heard from him since then?"

"Well no."

"Exactly. But that isn't what I wanted to talk about."

"Can it wait?" I asked as we pulled closer to my house. I opened the door and looked back at him.

"No," he said, shaking his head. He reached over and cupped my cheek. "It wasn't supposed to be like this," he murmured, more to himself than me. "It was just fucking business, I was not supposed to get attached."

I blinked, removed his hand, and said, "What's going on?"

"Do you think it was by luck that I began talking to you? I wish it was. I wish I wasn't in this shitty situation, but I am, and I'm about to make it worse."

"What are you talking about?"

The fact that he couldn't even look at me hurt. Slowly, I grasped his hand and held it tightly.

"You can tell me anything, you know. I'm not going to judge you."

He looked at me and smiled. The smile was all wrong. It wasn't warm or caring, but like he knew whatever he had to tell me I wasn't going to like. That maybe I would hate it. Maybe I would hate him. I didn't think that last part was possible.

"I was paid a lot of money to befriend you, Kendall. I was supposed to get information about you for someone. I don't even really know who the guy is, but anyway, I don't want to do it anymore. I care about you and I'm not willing to ruin what I have with you for a few bucks."

I couldn't believe what he was telling me. I was so mad that I started to tremble. Every part of me wanted to hit him. When I spoke, my voice was chipped, bitter.

"How much money?"

"Excuse me?" Jude said. He stammered a little when he said it. He wasn't expecting that question.

"How much money were you offered to put up a false friendship? How much was my agony worth to you?" I glared at him. "How fucking much Jude?" I slammed my foot into the dashboard of his car, breaking the glove compartment open. Papers fluttered out and I heard him make a noise, then I looked down.

My face, all different angles and views, stared up at me.