Fat

I keep freaking out about last night still. I just keep playing over it in my mind. Did it actually happen, or did I dream the entire thing? If it was a dream, it was definitely the best I’ve ever had. I still can’t believe that Lucas kissed me. And a proper kiss, too, not just a peck on the cheek. And, that he asked me out to dinner, just the two of us. I get nervous just thinking about it. What am I going to do if I can’t escape to the bathroom after our meal? I can’t keep it in my stomach, unless it was something really healthy like a salad. I’ll just keep getting fat and then Lucas will think I’m hideous (why he doesn’t think that already, I have no idea) and never want to go out with me again or have anything to do with me. This is doing my head in. I’m going to go crazy before next Saturday. I’ve never been on a date before. What the hell am I supposed to do, wear, eat? What if he wants a goodnight kiss? I don’t know how to kiss! I didn’t even move last night. He did all the work and I just sat there like a statue. He’s going to think I’m a freak. Maybe I should just cancel. Maybe I –

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Jake just called me. The first thing he said was: “So, did he ask you?”

He knew that Lucas was going to ask me out. How embarrassing. I told him that, yes, Lucas did ask. (He squealed. What a weirdo!) Then he asked me when the date was happening, and how I felt about it. I told him the truth (apart from the getting rid of the food problem). I said that I was nervous as hell, shocked, scared, panicked, wondering why Lucas liked me, why he kissed me etc.

Jake just laughed, and told me to relax. Yeah, easier said than done. But I told him I’d try. He seemed happy with that. And then told me it was “cute” that I have a “boyfriend”. I reminded him that I don’t have a boyfriend. Lucas asked me on a date, not to be in a relationship with him.

I’ve only just hung up the phone. Now Mother is knocking on my bedroom door. I should stop writing now, or else she’ll try and sneak a peek. No way am I going to allow her (or anyone else for that matter) anywhere near this document. That would just be incredibly embarrassing.