Fat

Lucas hates me. I know he does. I’m so stupid. I’m crying so hard it’s hard to see what I’m writing. It’s making my stomach hurt really bad, but I don’t care. He hates me. I hate me.
It’s all my fault.

He caught me.

He came over to visit me today while Mother and Father were out. I still felt sick, but he made me eat. He cooked me an egg and toast and watched me eat it.

I couldn’t keep it down. I literally had to push Lucas out of the way to run into the bathroom.

But when I threw up, it still felt like there was more, so I stuck my fingers down my throat to get it up.

And he walked in.

He gasped. “CALEB! What the hell are you doing?!” he screamed at me. He ran over and pulled my hand out of my mouth. It was covered in vomit, but he didn’t seem to care.

I ripped my hand out of his. I couldn’t even talk. I can’t believe he caught me.

He grabbed me and picked me up, and I struggled. I didn’t want him to touch my disgusting stomach, but he did anyway. He carried me over to the bathroom scale. I shut my eyes and squirmed. I didn’t want to see how overweight I am. I already know, even without exact numbers. But he put me on it anyway. I ran off it again, but he put me back on. I kept my eyes shut.

“I don’t want to. I don’t want to”

I just kept repeating it over and over while Lucas held me still.

“Caleb…” he whispered. “What have you done to yourself?”

I lost the plot then. I didn’t even know who I was speaking to anymore, but I screamed, “What have I done to myself? I’m trying to lose weight but no-one will let me. You’re all making me eat and I’m too fat. I’m doing what I can. I want to be skinny. I want to be beautiful but nobody will let me. Look at me! I’m disgusting. I’m fat, and obese, and ugly and horrible and I’ll never be good enough for anyone”

“Caleb, look at the scale. Look at it now!”

“NO!”

“CALEB! You weigh –”

“TOO MUCH”

“NOT ENOUGH!”

We were shouting. It made my throat hurt and my head throb.

“Caleb. You weigh 31 kilograms! Look at this…”

He tried to pull my t-shirt up, and I fought with him, but I was too weak and he got it up. All I saw was blubber. Did he want to make me feel worse about myself?

He gasped. “You’re skin and bones. Baby, I’m worr-”

“STOP FUCKING LYING! Why do you keep lying to me?! I’m fat, okay? I’m disgusting. You’re perfect! You don’t have to rub it in!”

“Caleb! I –”

“GET OUT! JUST GET OUT, LUCAS”

“Cale…please…”

“GO!”

He left. I think he was crying.

I’m sitting on my bed now. I’m crying so much. Everything hurts. My chest feels tight and my stomach is killing me. I can’t breathe. Oh, it hurts so much. So much.

I’m screwed up everything.

The onne petrson who I colud have had aa good relatoonhsip with, I screwwed everything up withh. I hateee myslwef.

I canan’t… Ohh… It hurtdd. I cannnr tyep hn dnnnbvmmmmm