I'm Not Kissing You Goodbye

I opened my eyes, seeing nothing but stars and smoke. I took a few deep breaths as I turned my head from one side to the other, looking at the damage. As I propped myself up on my elbows a sharp pain flew through my abdomen and my hand rested on my swelling area. I put pressure on it to see if I could get a diagnosis, and I found I had two broken ribs. I quickly laid back down, trying to stretch so my bones wouldn’t realign in the wrong order.

The smoke was choking me. I desperately needed to cough, but to preserve the pain it would cause my ribs, I nearly suffocated myself holding it in. My eyes shut, but the images playing behind my lids only reminded me of what had just literally torn everything apart. Driving down the highway in the van we’d grown out of, blasting old punk songs and singing at the top of our lungs when a car flipped over the median, crashing into us and the swerve to avoid it flipped the van many times. I would have tried to count, but once my head slammed against the window I lost all control of my motor skills.

I finally let myself breathe, choking and gasping for smoke-free air. I turned my head again, but this time I could see the dark mounds of my best friends, lying still on the ground. I wanted to go check on them, but I was so immobilized, so shaken up by what just happened all I could do was lay there.

“Hello?” I called out. No one answered. “Guys?” I asked, sobs making my voice shake as tears pricked the back of my eyes. I loved every single person that was in the van with me that night, but I would be lying if I said there weren’t two that I was extra concerned about-those two being my boyfriend, Alex, and my brother, Rian.

“Guys, please answer me,” I begged. The tears that collected spilled over and I cried from the pain in my side and in my heart. I felt so empty as I laid there on the interstate, a broken, lonely mess. I tried to sit up again but the pain wouldn’t let up or let me go find my friends. It kept me stationed in that place, unable to help.

“Peyton,” I faintly heard, but I figured it was just my ears playing tricks on me. But as I kept hearing my name getting louder and louder each time, I finally looked to where the voice was coming from and I shot up, forgetting all about my broken ribs.

“Alex!” I cried and jumped to my feet, nearly running to where he was on his hands and knees on the ground. “Alex-oh my god, are you ok?!” I shrieked. He looked pale as he shook his head and I could see the shiny blood seeping through his shirt with little help from the moonlight, a large shard of glass sticking out of his stomach. I helped him lean back against the metal railing on the side of the road and he looked down at the glass puncturing his gut.

“You’ve got to take it out, Pey,” he panted, sweat dripping from his forehead and he groaned a few times, since every move me made, made the glass go deeper. I was no surgeon, and I had no idea how to go about taking the piece of glass larger than my head out of him, but I was in no position to lose him. I took off my jacket and wrapped it around the broken edges and slowly pulled it out. It shimmered with his blood and I threw it to the side, handing him my jacket. “Here, put pressure on it,” I instructed. He shook his head wildly, his eyes as big as the moon. He didn’t want anymore pain. “Alex you will bleed to death if you don’t. Please,” I cried.

He took my jacket and gently set it on his gash. “You do it. I can’t inflict pain on myself,” he said as he squeezed his eyes shut and took in a deep breath. I closed my eyes as well, so tight that it plugged my ears a little. I didn’t want to hear him scream.

“Oh my god! OhmygodSHIT! Ah, holy hell. F-Peyton stop, please!” he yelled in agony. To hear him hurt so much broke my heart to pieces. I pulled my hand away and brushed a strand of hair behind my ear before looking at my blood-stained hands. Alex sat up a little straighter, groaning as he did so. “We need to check on everyone else,” he said, struggling to move.

I shook my head. “You need to stay still and keep pressure on your stomach. I’ll go check on them.”

Without waiting for his nod of approval I stood up and walked towards the motionless bodies. The first person I came to was Jeff. I knelt beside him, but I didn’t need to check him-I knew he was gone. I sniffled back some tears as I stroked his cheek with my index finger and looked beside him, finding Zack. I couldn’t stop my sob when I saw him lying so peacefully, almost like he was sleeping. I didn’t have to check him either, but I bent over and kissed his forehead, letting him know I loved him and that I would miss my workout partner before going to find the next casualty.

My eyes adverted to the burning van. Matt Flyzik was driving and sadly the only thing I saw left of him was the Mickey Mouse doll he kept on the dashboard for good luck thrown off to the side. I smiled when I saw it and gave it a giant hug, the little toy getting lost in my arms and I put it in my back pocket, blowing a kiss to the van as a tear slid down my cheek.

I looked around some more and the next body to catch my eye was Vinny’s. Over the past year I’d really gotten to know Vinny and I came to love him, as would be expected when working with someone for that long of a time. I sat next to Vinny for a while, thinking about all of our conversations and inside jokes, laughing at all the prepubescent girls that asked us if we knew if Alex or Jack would hook up with them. He promised he would take me home with him one day and have his mother make me an authentic Italian meal because apparently “spaghetti is shit compared to the real stuff”. I forced a smile down at him and kissed his cheek. He was still warm, but he was really close to the van so I came to the conclusion that the fire was keeping his breathless body from getting cold.

My sniffs and little tears became sobs and waterfalls when I found Jack. I fell down next to him and slung my body on top of his, crying and crying and crying. Jack, out of all the guys, was my best friend. He was so much fun, so free spirited. We understood each others sense of humor when no one else did. If I was having a terrible day, all he had to do was say something-anything, and his voice would cheer me up within seconds. He was the one that suggested Alex and I get together, and to be completely honest, if it weren’t for that suggestion, Alex and I would still be just friends that had huge crushes on each other but were too afraid to admit it. Jack knew everything about me, and I knew everything about him. His shirt was wet and sticky from my tears and I sobbed even harder every time it hit me that he was gone.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned my head quickly. Alex was hunched over, tears streaking his face. My heart broke for him because while Jack was my best friend, he was Alex’s brother. Their bond was much stronger than ours, and he lost that forever. I stood from the ground and wrapped me arms gently around Alex’s shoulders while his perched around my waist. I felt him sniff and I rubbed the back of his head with my hand. “I’m gonna miss him,” he cried. I slammed my eyes closed, the tears collecting on the surface pouring out. “I know. Me too,” I shook. I tilted my head a little to kiss his hair and when I rested my chin on his shoulder, I spotted the last body. “Oh god,” I whispered.

I let go of Alex and sprinted to my brother’s side. I gripped his shoulders and shook him wildly. “Rian please wake up! Please! Rian! Please, Rian, please! Wake up!” Every time I shook him, his body moved limply. I punched the ground, the cement scraping and cutting my knuckles. “RIAN!” I screamed before falling over on top of him, screaming and crying and begging for him to wake up. I rested my head on his chest and heard nothing, and that made me sick to my stomach. “Rian, please” I begged between chokes and sobs. I felt Alex grip my sides and although he was pushing against my broken ribs, that pain didn’t even come close to what I was feeling in my heart.

“He’s gone, Peyton. He’s gone,” he yelled over my screams and struggled grunts as I tried to wiggle my way out his grasp. I finally gave up fighting and collided into his chest, screaming my lungs out and hoping the heart ache would fade away with my voice. I proceeded to scream torturous screams, asking “why” occasionally before I was crying so hard I nearly puked. Alex backed up to the median and slid to the ground, pulling me with him and my head stayed buried in his chest.

“This is so unfair,” I sobbed into his shirt. He stroked my back and nodded his head against mine. “I know it is baby. I know. You didn’t deserve this.”

“I didn’t deserve this?! I’m still alive Alex; they are the ones that didn’t deserve this! Our friends- your brothers, MY brother! They didn’t deserve this at all.”

He nodded, sniffing away tears and wincing as he pushed my jacket against his wound that was still pouring blood. I wiped my eyes and began to sit up, thinking that I would decrease the bleeding but Alex gripped my arm. “No, please, let’s just stay like this,” he pleaded. I looked down at his stomach, concern oozing from my eyes but he shook his head. “I’ll be fine.” I hesitantly leaned back against him, resting my head in the crook of his neck.

“Do you think help is on the way?” I asked curiously as I stared across our friends.

“I’m sure it is,” he said quietly. His voice was so weak and fragile almost. His eyes were dim and his cheeks pale white. His breathing was slow, but that didn’t stop him from talking.

“I’m so happy” *deep breath* “that I started this band” *deep breath* “with your brother.” *deep breath* “If I didn’t” *deep breath* “I wouldn’t have found you” *deep breath* “and I wouldn’t have been as happy” *deep breath* “as I was over the past five years” *deep breath* “without you.” *deep breath*”I just want you to know” *deep breath* “that I love you” *deep breath* “more than anything” *deep breath* “and I want you” *deep breath* “to always remember that.”

He took more difficult breaths and I shook my head wildly. “Alex, please don’t talk like that. You’re going to make it. Help is going to get here soon and they’re going to fix you and you’ll be fine. Don’t give up.”

I watched him nod slowly. “You were the best thing I had.”

“Please, don’t say things like that Alex,” I begged.

He had the nerve to smirk in a moment like this. “You’re right.” *deep breath* “You’re gonna be mine” *deep breath* “forever, right?”

I nodded. “Forever.”

He smiled and closed his eyes. “I’m just gonna” *deep breath* “rest until the help” *deep breath* “gets here.” I watched as his chest rose and fell heavily and I almost wanted to keep him awake, just to keep him active. I figured he’d already done enough though, and maybe taking it easy would stop the blood from flowing so fast. He pulled me back in his arms and rested my head on his shoulder.

“I love you, Peyton,” he whispered.

“I love you too, Alex,” I sobbed as I tried to tell myself that I would hear that coming from his lips again and that I hadn’t listened to the words for the last time. He lifted my chin and kissed me with as much love as he could muster and smiled down at me. My head found his shoulder and my eyes shut for what seemed like a second, but when I opened them, truck lights were flashing in my eyes. Cherry bulbs were circling on top of blue and white ambulances and I sat up. They rushed over to me, probably surprised to find a survivor and rushed me to the back of the ambulance. “Check on my boyfriend,” I managed to mutter before I was being put on a gurney.

I looked around the man that was working on me and watched as two other men examined Alex. I waited anxiously for them to see he was just sleeping and to move on but they stayed with him for a while, examining the gash in his stomach before exchanging sad looks. My heart began racing and I felt dizzy and I wanted to throw up. I jumped off the gurney, pulling the blood pressure pump off of my arm and ran back to Alex.

“Look, he’s just sleeping. See?” I said, poking him gently, repeating his name over and over until I was screaming it and shaking him and the paramedics eventually had to pull me off of him. I didn’t give in just because I was so determined to wake him up and I knew he wasn’t really gone. Part of me believed that, but the other part knew better. He was dead, and I was the only survivor, and if I could have changed that, I would have in a heart beat. I let them place me back on the gurney and they had to strap me in.

“You really messed up your ribs,” the man said, pushing against the broken bones. I didn’t feel it though. It had something to do with emotional pain being more torturous than physical pain, and I didn’t even flinch as he poked at me like a specimen, because I was watching them zip all of my loved ones away in those hideous white body bags. Alex was the last one they got and I sniffed away some tears when he was closed up. “Tell me if you feel this Miss.”

I didn’t feel it. I was completely numb. Completely numb, except for the pounding of my heart. As I laid on the stretcher, facing the sky, I noticed seven bright, round, twinkly stars all lined up in a row. Some stars were bigger and brighter than others, and the two most noticeable ones were in the middle. I smiled for the first time since the accident and tapped the man on the shoulder. As I pointed to the stars, I gave each of them names.

“That’s Jeff Maker. That one is Zack Merrick. Next to him is Matt Flyzik. Then at the other end, that one is Vinny Petrecelli, but I call him Vinny Vegas. Beside him is Jack Barakat- I love him so much. Then those two in the middle, do you see them? That one is my brother Rian Dawson. And that one right there is my love, my everything, my Alex Gaskarth. Aren’t they beautiful?” I shuddered as my throat threatened to cave in.

The man glanced up at the stars and smiled sympathetically to me. “I’m sorry about your loss Miss.”

I nodded, my smile fading a little as I was pushed into the ambulance. My eyes found the window, and soon found my stars outside, and I watched them the whole way to the hospital.