Status: comment please (:
I'm Not Kissing You Goodbye
don't say goodbye.
My parents drove all the way out to Texas to pick me up and take me home and although they were happy to see me alive, I knew it still killed them to know their son was gone. They ran into my hospital room, smiled and embraced me as we all cried sorrowful tears over the loss of my brother and their baby boy. I had become an only child within the matter of hours and I was devastated.
The Barakats, Merricks, Flyziks, Makers, Petrecellis, and Gaskarths all came to visit me once I was on bed rest in my own home. They gave me sweet smiles, told me they were happy I was ok, and left me flowers, but I knew that deep in their heart they would have traded me in for their own in a quick second. I didn’t mind knowing that, since I would have done the same.
Isobel and Peter visited more frequently than the other parents, which I was fine with. I wanted to surround myself with him as much as I could. I was resting in my bed, tears pushing against my water lines as I listened to Alex’s voice coming through the speaker of my stereo. My bedroom door opened and I looked over, seeing Peter with his head poked in. He frowned once he grasped that the voice was that of his sons and I reached for the remote and turned the music off.
“May I speak with you for a moment, Peyton?” he asked, his thick English accent sending chills up my arms. I nodded and pushed myself up, leaning against the headboard and watched as Peter sat at the foot of my bed. Alex looked more like Isobel, but I could see some familiar features on Peter’s face.
It was quiet for a few moments. I stared at Peter while he stared at the picture of me and Alex on top of my TV. It wasn’t awkward though, since he’d become something along the lines of my second father when Alex and I started dating.
“How are you holding up dear?” he finally asked, his voice quiet.
I shrugged. “It’s really hard. I keep thinking that it’s all a dream and I’m going to wake up in the van with all of them, and I know that’s not good for me, but I can’t help but want it so badly. I miss them all so much.”
Peter nodded and turned his body to face me. “They miss you as well, I’m sure of it,” he smiled half-heartedly. I waited for him to continue but he just sat there, still and quiet. “How are you and Isobel?” I asked.
He sighed heavily and swallowed hard, something Alex always did when he was close to crying (which he didn’t do often, but enough for me to catch the lead). “You know, when Danny passed away, we thought nothing in the world could come close to being as terrible as that. We were heartbroken, and Alex reminded us of him so much we could hardly bare to look at him. As you know it was extremely difficult for Alex, and he was an only child, and we only had one son. Isobel and I used to dream of having grandchildren, retiring somewhere in the mountains and having Alex and Danny bring their bunch with them, but with Danny gone it just seemed a little less heartwarming. Yes, we still had Alex, but we wanted him and our other son. We finally moved on, and Alex promised he would give us what we had always dreamt of having. He felt so guilty. And now-“ Peter started but was cut off by his own sobs. It ripped my insides to shreds watching him hurt. “Now we don’t have any children. We feel so selfish, for all those years all we ever spoke about was him getting married and having children. We always spoke of what we wanted, not of what he wanted. We were so proud of him, but we never really let him know. If we could have Alex back, we would tell him just how much we love him, and that we are so very blessed to be his parents. He was such a light, but we were too dimmed by our own demands to see it.”
I closed my red eyes, some salty water droplets spilling over. Peter leaned over, resting his head in his hand and cried. I pushed myself towards him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. I knew how much it hurt me, but I knew it killed Isobel and Peter. They watched him from the time he was born. They were there for his birth, his first word, his first step, his first birthday, his first loose tooth, his tenth birthday, his first broken heart, his first big mistake, and his first time saying goodbye as he put his safety on the line living life on the road. They were there for everything and still had so much they could have seen: his wedding, the birth of his child, him becoming the most successful person on the face of the planet. They had nothing to look forward to anymore.
“Peter, Alex knew how proud of him you and Isobel were, and he knew you loved him. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Every parent wants what you two wanted. I wish he could have given it to you, and I wish I could have helped,” I sniffed.
Peter smiled a little. “He loved you so much Peyton. All he could talk about was you. We all honestly believe you made him a better person-a better man. He was always so happy with you. The mention of your name put the biggest grin on his face. You helped him through a lot, and for that his mother and I are eternally grateful.”
I smiled down at my lap and shook my head. “Your son meant the world do me. I know how hard this is for me, but I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for you and Isobel, and I’m so sorry you lost him. He was so lucky to have parents like the two of you. I’m sure he would want you to know that.”
Peter smiled and took my hand in his large one. “We lost a good person this weekend Peyton, but I believe deep down in my heart that he isn’t fully gone. I don’t believe any of them are. Your brother and my son will always be here looking out for you. It will almost be as if they were never gone,” he sighed, and I smiled at the thought. “Just do me a favor. Send Alexander our way once in a while, would you? I know it will kill him to leave your side, but we would like to feel his presence as well,” he chuckled heartily. I nodded and laughed lightly, “I promise.”
He stood up and put his hands on both sides of my face, kissing my forehead. “You are still like a daughter to us. That has not and will not change. Come visit, give us a ring, keep us updated on what’s going on in your life. I think Isobel has a FaceSpace, or whatever that bloody site is you teens waste your lives on.”
For the first time in a while, I laughed a genuine laugh and nodded. “I will. Thank you Peter.” He nodded and walked to my door. “Get well soon darling.” As soon as he was out of my room, I reached for the remote and turned the music back on. This time when I heard Alex’s voice, I didn’t cry.
I smiled.
The Barakats, Merricks, Flyziks, Makers, Petrecellis, and Gaskarths all came to visit me once I was on bed rest in my own home. They gave me sweet smiles, told me they were happy I was ok, and left me flowers, but I knew that deep in their heart they would have traded me in for their own in a quick second. I didn’t mind knowing that, since I would have done the same.
Isobel and Peter visited more frequently than the other parents, which I was fine with. I wanted to surround myself with him as much as I could. I was resting in my bed, tears pushing against my water lines as I listened to Alex’s voice coming through the speaker of my stereo. My bedroom door opened and I looked over, seeing Peter with his head poked in. He frowned once he grasped that the voice was that of his sons and I reached for the remote and turned the music off.
“May I speak with you for a moment, Peyton?” he asked, his thick English accent sending chills up my arms. I nodded and pushed myself up, leaning against the headboard and watched as Peter sat at the foot of my bed. Alex looked more like Isobel, but I could see some familiar features on Peter’s face.
It was quiet for a few moments. I stared at Peter while he stared at the picture of me and Alex on top of my TV. It wasn’t awkward though, since he’d become something along the lines of my second father when Alex and I started dating.
“How are you holding up dear?” he finally asked, his voice quiet.
I shrugged. “It’s really hard. I keep thinking that it’s all a dream and I’m going to wake up in the van with all of them, and I know that’s not good for me, but I can’t help but want it so badly. I miss them all so much.”
Peter nodded and turned his body to face me. “They miss you as well, I’m sure of it,” he smiled half-heartedly. I waited for him to continue but he just sat there, still and quiet. “How are you and Isobel?” I asked.
He sighed heavily and swallowed hard, something Alex always did when he was close to crying (which he didn’t do often, but enough for me to catch the lead). “You know, when Danny passed away, we thought nothing in the world could come close to being as terrible as that. We were heartbroken, and Alex reminded us of him so much we could hardly bare to look at him. As you know it was extremely difficult for Alex, and he was an only child, and we only had one son. Isobel and I used to dream of having grandchildren, retiring somewhere in the mountains and having Alex and Danny bring their bunch with them, but with Danny gone it just seemed a little less heartwarming. Yes, we still had Alex, but we wanted him and our other son. We finally moved on, and Alex promised he would give us what we had always dreamt of having. He felt so guilty. And now-“ Peter started but was cut off by his own sobs. It ripped my insides to shreds watching him hurt. “Now we don’t have any children. We feel so selfish, for all those years all we ever spoke about was him getting married and having children. We always spoke of what we wanted, not of what he wanted. We were so proud of him, but we never really let him know. If we could have Alex back, we would tell him just how much we love him, and that we are so very blessed to be his parents. He was such a light, but we were too dimmed by our own demands to see it.”
I closed my red eyes, some salty water droplets spilling over. Peter leaned over, resting his head in his hand and cried. I pushed myself towards him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. I knew how much it hurt me, but I knew it killed Isobel and Peter. They watched him from the time he was born. They were there for his birth, his first word, his first step, his first birthday, his first loose tooth, his tenth birthday, his first broken heart, his first big mistake, and his first time saying goodbye as he put his safety on the line living life on the road. They were there for everything and still had so much they could have seen: his wedding, the birth of his child, him becoming the most successful person on the face of the planet. They had nothing to look forward to anymore.
“Peter, Alex knew how proud of him you and Isobel were, and he knew you loved him. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Every parent wants what you two wanted. I wish he could have given it to you, and I wish I could have helped,” I sniffed.
Peter smiled a little. “He loved you so much Peyton. All he could talk about was you. We all honestly believe you made him a better person-a better man. He was always so happy with you. The mention of your name put the biggest grin on his face. You helped him through a lot, and for that his mother and I are eternally grateful.”
I smiled down at my lap and shook my head. “Your son meant the world do me. I know how hard this is for me, but I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for you and Isobel, and I’m so sorry you lost him. He was so lucky to have parents like the two of you. I’m sure he would want you to know that.”
Peter smiled and took my hand in his large one. “We lost a good person this weekend Peyton, but I believe deep down in my heart that he isn’t fully gone. I don’t believe any of them are. Your brother and my son will always be here looking out for you. It will almost be as if they were never gone,” he sighed, and I smiled at the thought. “Just do me a favor. Send Alexander our way once in a while, would you? I know it will kill him to leave your side, but we would like to feel his presence as well,” he chuckled heartily. I nodded and laughed lightly, “I promise.”
He stood up and put his hands on both sides of my face, kissing my forehead. “You are still like a daughter to us. That has not and will not change. Come visit, give us a ring, keep us updated on what’s going on in your life. I think Isobel has a FaceSpace, or whatever that bloody site is you teens waste your lives on.”
For the first time in a while, I laughed a genuine laugh and nodded. “I will. Thank you Peter.” He nodded and walked to my door. “Get well soon darling.” As soon as he was out of my room, I reached for the remote and turned the music back on. This time when I heard Alex’s voice, I didn’t cry.
I smiled.