I'm Not Kissing You Goodbye

Six months had passed since the night I lost everything. I hadn’t moved on one bit, but I was accepting it slowly but surely. Jack’s birthday passed and his family held a celebration of life ceremony. I attended, along with my parents and the parents of the other boys lost in the accident. We spent hours reminiscing on memories of Jack. The wounds were still so fresh and I had to walk away after a while.

The months following were tough, but I went with it. I was fully healed, but still had a bandage wrapped around my waist just for precautions. I received flowers and sympathy’s from the fans of the band. They all told me how much they were sorry for the loss of my brother and boyfriend and best friends and that they were sure to miss them almost as much as I did. It was nice to know more people than just our families were feeling the affects of the losses.

For my birthday, I got a tattoo on my left shoulder blade of seven stars-the same seven stars I see every night in the sky. I got them permanently etched into my skin so they could stay with me forever. Underneath their star, I got their first initial added, just so something was there that let them claim their position. The skin where it’s located tingles every time I look up at the night sky.

When Alex’s birthday came, I went to his parent’s house and had dinner with them. I caught them up on everything that had happened in my life since the accident, which was a whole lot of nothing. They told me all that they’d been up to, which was an equal amount of not much. They hadn’t been in Alex’s room for a while because it just hurt them to be in there. I asked if I could go up and after receiving their permission, trudged up the stairway to the poster-covered door. I twisted the knob and pushed the wooden barricade open.

His scent wafted through my nose, almost knocking me out. I’d missed the smell so much and finally getting it made me smile. I walked over to his bed and sat down, looking around at the walls and the pictures of him and his friends randomly placed. I was beginning to lose my self control and I felt paralyzed. I wanted to be surrounded by him, but being in his room with all of his stuff was almost too much. I quickly grabbed his pillow, the cologne he wore that I loved, and his favorite shirt and walked down the stairs, shutting the door behind me. Isobel and Peter looked up from the table and at the souvenirs I’d collected. “Do you mind if I have these?” I asked, clinging to the treasures for dear life. They shook their heads sadly and I thanked them for dinner and cried the whole drive home.

On Rian’s birthday, our family met at his tombstone. We sat around him and talked. It was hard to listen to everyone talk about him, but I was able to sit through it, smiling when I was supposed to and nodded when it was necessary. My parents took the heat for me, drawing all of the sympathy’s to them. While everyone was dropping off pies for us, telling them that they were there if we needed them, I sat and spent more time with my brother.

Christmas rolled around and I was invited back to the Gaskarth house to celebrate the holiday with the whole family. Everyone seemed light heart, chatting with each other and drinking eggnog. I stood in the kitchen sipping on some wine, talking with Alex’s grandmother when Isobel asked to speak to me. I excused myself and followed Isobel around a corner where Peter was waiting for us.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

Peter began to fish around his pocket while Isobel spoke. “Before Alex passed, we discussed with him the future of your relationship. He adored you, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. After receiving our blessing and the blessing of your parents, he made arrangements to give this-“ she pointed to the velvet box in Peter’s hands “-to you on Christmas Eve. It belongs to you and we want you to have it,” she finished and Peter held his hand out to me.

I took the little box, my hands shaking and opened it slowly, my breath catching in my throat. “Oh,” I sighed as I scanned over the ring. It was a silver band, decorated with a small diamond embedded in the middle. I took it out of the box and held it between my index finger and thumb, examining every detail.

Isobel took it from me and took my left hand in hers, sliding the ring on the second finger from the left. My heart fluttered in my healed ribcage and I had to place my hand on my stomach to keep it from getting too out of control. I glanced up at Isobel, her eyes twinkling from the wetness. “Thank you both so much for giving this to me,” I smiled. They pulled me into their loving embrace and I let a few tears slip out as they rubbed my back and my hair.

“You are so welcome Peyton. We love you almost as much as Alex did,” Peter said after we broke out of our hug. I smiled thankfully at them and we went back to the party.

That night I climbed into my bed, wearing Alex’s favorite shirt and sprayed his cologne on his pillow that I slept on. It helped me sleep, because it felt like he was with me. After I turned my lamp off, I rested my head on the pillow and closed my eyes.

I saw all of their faces. They were all smiling at me, reaching out towards me. Rian kissed my forehead and it felt so real. I reached for him, but he disappeared. Jeff, Zack, Matt, Vinny, and Jack soon followed him, sending me a small bit of their love before they were gone. I waited patiently for the one I longed for most. I began to give up until I saw his silhouette coming towards me. His smile sent a blanket of warmth over me, soothing the chills popping up on my skin. He gently put his hand on my cheek and my heart ached because I didn’t feel it. He looked down at the hand that sported the ring I was given and he smiled even bigger. I opened my mouth to tell him I loved it, but nothing came out. He leaned closer and closer and I could have sworn I felt his warm breath sliding across my cold lips. He closed his eyes, and I actually felt his lips against mine a little bit. I reached up to put my hand on his cheek, but his face twisted into smoke. I almost cried for fear that I’d ruined him, but he was soon back to normal-well, as normal as you can be when you’ve passed. He started backing away and I shook my head, reaching out to him again, but he simply waved. I didn’t want him to go, because I didn’t want to be by myself. “I love you,” I heard him say faintly.

“I love you, too,” I spit out quickly, but soon realized I’d woken up before I was able to tell him. My heart broke and I cuddled into my blankets trying to keep from being so cold.

I stood from my bed and pulled the curtains back from my window, looking up at the night sky. It wasn’t too long before I saw my string of stars and I heaved a sigh of relief. My heart felt heavy, yet light, because in that moment, looking up at them, I knew that as long as night came, I would never be alone. With a kiss blown to them, I climbed back in my bed and looked back at them once more. As my eyes closed, I remember a request that was asked of me, and I sat up quickly.

“Oh, Alex, go see your parents. They really miss you,” I whispered, and his star twinkled, reflecting in my eyes.