Drowning in a River of Denial
Home Sweet ***ing Home!
There are a few things I’ve always known… One is that I’m not completely normal. I found guys… attractive. God, I hated saying that. It was weird. I mean, not weird as in wrong, because Alex is gay. For me, though, it’s weird. Everyone expects me to get a girlfriend, now that Kara’s dumped me. I don’t want one, really. It’s not that I find guys more attractive than girls… or maybe I do. I don’t know, not anymore. I’m so confused.
Two is that I’m too much of a coward to tell anyone that I find guys attractive. I’m not even entirely sure I’m gay, or bisexual. I don’t know who I am. I’m not like Alex, who’s been sure for a long time. I can’t come out because I don’t know what to come out as. I can’t even begin to think about it logically. I just want it to go away.
The third is that I find my bandmates really fucking hot. I hate thinking that too. Especially Alex. I’m probably going to hell but that’s the truth. There’s just something about that boy that’s really appealing to me.
This is a problem. Because a) he’s one of my best friends, and b) he’s my roommate. Do you know how hard it is not to push him into a wall when he comes out of the bathroom, water dripping from his body in just a towel that’s just casually wrapped around his waist? Here, I’ll tell you. It’s really fucking hard.
“HOME SWEET FUCKING HOME!” Alex yelled as he unlocked the door to our apartment and pushed the door open. I chuckled as we lugged our shit inside.
“I don’t know what to do first. I mean, should we eat, sleep or shower first?” I asked. I tried to ignore how that came out.
“I’m starving. I’m eating first.”
Alex didn’t get it, thank God. I didn't need him picking up on that. I carried my bags into my room and kicked off my shoes. I took a quick sniff at myself before wrinkling my nose. I headed for the bathroom across the living room.
“I’m gonna shower,” I said. Alex nodded, opening cabinets.
“We need to go shopping. We’ve got nothing,” Alex mentioned. I slipped into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I got out my towel from the cabinet and stripped down. I hummed Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard. It’s been stuck in my head since I played drums for them the day before. I started up the shower and stepped inside before it warmed up. I didn’t even care. It was nice to be at home, in our own apartment, in our own shower. A thousand different people hadn’t used this shower. I scrubbed the sweat and dirt from my body and let the pounding hot water ease the tension in my shoulders. Feeling better, I twisted the knobs, shutting the water off. I grabbed my towel from where I’d set it right next to the shower, pulled back the curtain and toweled off. Wrapping the towel around my waist, I stepped out. Opening the door, I picked up my clothes and dropped them into the hamper by the bathroom door before leaving. Alex was in the kitchen still, crouched in front of the open fridge. He stared intently into the box, trying to find something to eat.
“Alex, staring at it won’t make food appear. We’re going to have to order something in tonight and go grocery shopping tomorrow.”
He whined and stamped his foot, much like a child who wasn’t getting their way.
“Fine. What do you want?” he asked dejectedly.
“I don’t care. Whatever you want. I’m going to get dressed.”
I turned and walked to my room, slipping inside. I sighed. It was good to be home, I reminded myself. It was. It really was. I just… I didn’t want to be home, alone with Alex.
Getting dressed in a pair of loose sweatpants and a simple grey t-shirt, I mentally prepared myself for time alone with Alex. I headed out. Alex was lounged on the couch.
“I ordered us some Chinese and Thai from across town. You’re paying though because I called it in,” he called as I shut my bedroom door behind me. I chuckled. Typical Alex. I also had to mentally prepare myself for not acting like a love struck teenager around my best friend. That was the hardest part of all.
Two is that I’m too much of a coward to tell anyone that I find guys attractive. I’m not even entirely sure I’m gay, or bisexual. I don’t know who I am. I’m not like Alex, who’s been sure for a long time. I can’t come out because I don’t know what to come out as. I can’t even begin to think about it logically. I just want it to go away.
The third is that I find my bandmates really fucking hot. I hate thinking that too. Especially Alex. I’m probably going to hell but that’s the truth. There’s just something about that boy that’s really appealing to me.
This is a problem. Because a) he’s one of my best friends, and b) he’s my roommate. Do you know how hard it is not to push him into a wall when he comes out of the bathroom, water dripping from his body in just a towel that’s just casually wrapped around his waist? Here, I’ll tell you. It’s really fucking hard.
“HOME SWEET FUCKING HOME!” Alex yelled as he unlocked the door to our apartment and pushed the door open. I chuckled as we lugged our shit inside.
“I don’t know what to do first. I mean, should we eat, sleep or shower first?” I asked. I tried to ignore how that came out.
“I’m starving. I’m eating first.”
Alex didn’t get it, thank God. I didn't need him picking up on that. I carried my bags into my room and kicked off my shoes. I took a quick sniff at myself before wrinkling my nose. I headed for the bathroom across the living room.
“I’m gonna shower,” I said. Alex nodded, opening cabinets.
“We need to go shopping. We’ve got nothing,” Alex mentioned. I slipped into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I got out my towel from the cabinet and stripped down. I hummed Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard. It’s been stuck in my head since I played drums for them the day before. I started up the shower and stepped inside before it warmed up. I didn’t even care. It was nice to be at home, in our own apartment, in our own shower. A thousand different people hadn’t used this shower. I scrubbed the sweat and dirt from my body and let the pounding hot water ease the tension in my shoulders. Feeling better, I twisted the knobs, shutting the water off. I grabbed my towel from where I’d set it right next to the shower, pulled back the curtain and toweled off. Wrapping the towel around my waist, I stepped out. Opening the door, I picked up my clothes and dropped them into the hamper by the bathroom door before leaving. Alex was in the kitchen still, crouched in front of the open fridge. He stared intently into the box, trying to find something to eat.
“Alex, staring at it won’t make food appear. We’re going to have to order something in tonight and go grocery shopping tomorrow.”
He whined and stamped his foot, much like a child who wasn’t getting their way.
“Fine. What do you want?” he asked dejectedly.
“I don’t care. Whatever you want. I’m going to get dressed.”
I turned and walked to my room, slipping inside. I sighed. It was good to be home, I reminded myself. It was. It really was. I just… I didn’t want to be home, alone with Alex.
Getting dressed in a pair of loose sweatpants and a simple grey t-shirt, I mentally prepared myself for time alone with Alex. I headed out. Alex was lounged on the couch.
“I ordered us some Chinese and Thai from across town. You’re paying though because I called it in,” he called as I shut my bedroom door behind me. I chuckled. Typical Alex. I also had to mentally prepare myself for not acting like a love struck teenager around my best friend. That was the hardest part of all.
♠ ♠ ♠
I, uh, yeah, I don't know. I don't know how I feel about Rian's chapters. He doesn't know who he is. I know how this is.Hey, quick question, if Rian and Cass never got together, who would you see Cass with? In the music world, not just some random guy.
DFTBA,
Nerdfighter;