Too Much

Allie

“So this next song I actually wrote 3 days ago, we weren’t going to play it. But I think some people need to hear it. Bare with us if we suck at this song by the way”

He chuckled down the mic before tuning his guitar quickly, I remember I went over to his house on Thursday after I had some tea; his mum let me in as usual pointing towards the basement door. I walked over and stepped down to hear his voice float into my ear drums, calming anyone instantly. He was working on a new song but when he saw me he stopped, he refused to play it again until “It was necessary”.

Turning my attention from my thoughts and back to Alex, I realized this must be that song. His brown eyes easily found my emerald ones in the sea of people; smiling reassuringly to let him know they were doing well he burst out into song on his guitar.

Inquisitive and thoughtful,
She was the challenge he'd been waiting for
A reminder that creativity runs deep, like secrets
Dark eyed dreamers - they were a dangerous pair
"Q" next to "U", scribbled out on paper

They stop
They go
They're done

Go back to the place we knew before
Retrace our steps to the basement door
I'll ask you if the rain still makes you smile
Like so much time that we spent in the fall
Put color in our cheeks while the air turned cold
Preceding what became our bitter end

“Woah looks like Gaskarth had someone in mind while he wrote that”

A guy from Baltimore stood close behind me and Maddie as he voiced his thoughts out loud, his female friend who I think is in my art class turned to him before replying.

“Yeah definitely, well whoever she is she’s bloody lucky”

My heart froze in my chest, the sudden wave of realization hit me and as I took a quick nervous glance up to the stage I noticed his eyes firmly tied to mine. His brown spheres analyzing my response for any sign of how I was feeling right at this moment, Jack, Rian and Zack all doing the same also; The song was about me.

Maddie glanced over noticing my nervous disposition as I rapidly found the cuff of my jacket, pulling it over my thumb. She nudged me in my side sharply pulling me from my incessant jacket tugging, looking up to meet my best friend she winked at me playfully before tilting her head suggestively towards Alex and the stage.

Round in circles - let's start over
Round in circles - let's start over

Unanswered questions
Would be the only thing to stop them now
He was the poet, while she was the muse
She had a pen that she knew how to use
A touch of redemption, a hint of elation
A recipe for disaster

Go back to the place we knew before
Retrace our steps to the basement door
I'll ask you if the rain still makes you smile
Like so much time that we spent in the fall
Put color in our cheeks while the air turned cold
Preceding what became our bitter end

Let this be a lesson to us all

Round in circles - let's start over
Round in circles - let's start over

Round in circles
Round in circles
Round in circles
Round in circles

As my throat began to come dry and close in on me I began to feel incredibly claustrophobic. Why the hell was he doing this? Because he was trying to tell me he liked me? But why I was a lost case, he needed someone who could give him what he wants. I’m not experienced enough in the relationship department; I only ever kissed and cuddled with Rob. He could do so much better, I’m not pretty enough for him am I?

Fiddling with my cuffs more rapidly now, I looked towards Maddie for help. I didn’t even have to say anything and she knew what to say.

“Allie he wrote that song about you, he likes you, give it a go. He’s not going to hurt you, you could change him. Just let him in.”

Shaking my head furiously, falling tears yet again became my familiar friend. Maddie sighed loudly over the music before shrugging her shoulder asking why? Taking a glance back to the stage, I accidentally caught Alex’s eyes and noticing my tears his eyes glazed over with angst and worry as he managed to continue playing.

“Because…because he doesn’t…doesn’t know about Rob. Maddie he doesn’t know about Rob or…or Seth”

Glancing down at the golden camera that was part of my identity and something everyone accustomed with me, out of the corner of my eye I noticed Maddie anxiously chewing the inside of her lip, chipping her nail polish…she was keeping something back.

“Allie don’t get mad, but before when you ran off to the toilets. Joe needed payment for your drink so I told Alex to get the money out of your purse. He saw the old picture Allie…I’m so sorry. He doesn’t know what Rob did; I just said you’d tell him in your own time.”

My chest demanded more oxygen as I found I was struggling to breathe. He knows Rob existed, he knew part of what I hoped was my past; it doesn’t need recovering, not now not ever. The song abruptly came to an end and feeling the four boys stares burn into the back of my head, I couldn’t take it anymore I panicked. Alex was becoming too close to comfort I couldn’t match his expectations….I’d end up a disappointment and only hold him back. So I ran.

Leaving the Rock Cave the harsh wind bit at my exposed flesh, wrapping my leather jacket tightly around my body; I felt my fresh, warm tears begin to chill in the minus temperatures. Scanning my options I decided the alleyway along the exit to the club seemed my best bet.

Crouching into a fetal position hugging my legs close to my chest I stayed silent; only my muffled sobs creating the slightest of sounds. Pulling my ipod out of my bag I turned up the sound the drown out all time low’s next song, to drown out the voice of the boy I was falling hard for, I couldn’t I would only ruin things I always do.

Five minutes later the door to the Rock Cave swung open banging forcefully against the brick exterior, however due to the level of my ipod I failed to see or hear this. It was only when my headphones were ripped out of my ears did I notice Alex crouched down in front of me.

His eyes swirling with remorse and regret, making me feel guilty once again. He only wrote me a song, and here I am turning it into a whole fucking drama, why can’t things always of been drama free in my life from the beginning; things between Alex and I might be a lot different right now.

“Hey”

He whispered placing his fingers under my chin and lifting my face up to meet his, his chilled breath hitting sharply around my facial features emphasizing our closeness.

“I’m sorry”

He whispered more quietly this time; he averted his gaze towards his shoes. Sighing to myself I drew a ragged breath, before sneaking my fingers underneath his beanie and through his chestnut bangs forcing him to look me in the eyes.

“You know you’ve got to stop apologizing you know” I joked but before he could react I interrupted taking on a serious tone “You have nothing to be sorry for, I on the other hand...”

His brows knitted together as confusion washed over his placid, pale face due to the bitter temperatures.

“Let me guess I’ll find out eventually”

He smirked in a way to reassure me he meant it in a joking way.

“I know you may not believe me right now, but you will. It’s just I’m a fuck up Alex, you don’t want me, you don’t need me. I’ll only end up ruining something or hurting you”

“I don’t care! I’ll be the one to decide whether I don’t need you because right now I need you okay?" He waited for me to nod before continuing "and you’re worried about ruining something between us! I’m the one that’s apparently slept with half of Baltimore High, I think I should be the one worrying about hurting you and stuff”

Alex grinned his crooked smile, flashing me his set of white teeth. Unable to hide a smile I returned one instantly before confusion quickly took over.

“Hang on aren’t you meant to be on stage, you’re not even half way through!”

He smirked softly causing an unfamiliar heat to warm me up and arise in my body in the dominating cold. Holding out his hand he pulled me to my feet before pulling me into his side, his arm resting comfortably over my shoulder as I leant my head on his shoulder.

“You are more important”

With that Alex lead us over to his car and as we bundled in he blasted the heating through the interior, instantly thawing us out. Pulling out of the Rock Cave car park, he didn’t even stop to think of the consequences of him abandoning the set but drove me straight to his instead.