Too Much

Allie

The morning sunlight filtering through the blinds was the only thing arousing me from my slumber like state, rubbing my eyes softly I forced them open squinting curiously – he was gone.

Lifting up my body on the bed using my hands I looked around Alex’s room I desperately searched for the familiar chestnut brown bangs and the eyes to match, nothing. He wouldn’t just leave me alone in his house, he wouldn’t would he?

& before you ask no we didn’t have sex, he took me up to his room before I feel asleep downstairs and lent me some clothes of his. I asked him to stay with me.

Running down the stairs of his house I rushed into the living room where we watched Peter Pan last night, he wasn’t there either. In a panic I ran my fingers through my dishelved bed hair, it was only then when I rested my hand on my hip that I heard the quiet rough voice that belonged to Alex.

Unanswered questions would be the only thing to stop them now

Carefully and quietly I followed his voice, a subconscious smile tugging at the corners of my lips. Rounding the corner into the kitchen I was confronted to the sight of Alex’s back as he cooked away over the stove, the sweet smell of pancake mixture gently teasing my taste buds.

Pulling down on the hem of Alex’s t-shirt I was wearing, I bit down on my lip in order to stop and laughter escaping – he was just so god damn cute. He continued to carry on singing circles, the one he wrote about us; I haven’t asked him about it, just sort of accepted it. I so desperately wanted to tell him everything about Rob and Seth but I have a gut wrenching feeling he will see me as pathetic, vulnerable, because I couldn’t stand up to Rob and when he finds out about Seth…Fuck, I don’t even want to know what he’ll say.

But the other half of me wants to tell him because I know that if I show him how vulnerable I am, that maybe he would somehow comfort me. Wrap his arms around me and tell me everything is fine. Because after all these 4 years it’s all I’ve been doing, blaming myself for everything, becoming a shell of who I used to be. These past of couple of weeks Alex and everyone else have brought back the old me but I’m petrified, petrified that if I tell him everything I’ll just shrink back to the pathetic, risk free, always plan ahead Allie.

Alex was making me want to break every rule I had made 4 years ago after Seth and certainly after Rob. I used to be a care free kid believe it or not, I used to rebel and I used to break the rules. I did all of that because of Rob and Seth they brought that side of me out, but when everything went wrong I decided I needed a plan to my life, a plan I would stick to strictly. Alex was slowly making me break those rules... that’s what terrified me the most.

What if he turns out to be just to like Rob and I’m left just as broken as before, because I knew. I knew right there watching him scoop the batter out of the pan that I was already falling for him. Falling for him way harder than I ever had with Rob…which meant if this all went wrong there was no way I would be able to bounce back.

“Stop watching me Johnson anyone would think you were stalking me or something”

Jumping off the doorframe in shock I was astonished to how Alex knew I was present, while his back remained firmly glued to me, his eyes locked hard on the next batch of pancakes he was busy making.

“Me…stalking! Pssshh no! Don’t flatter yourself Gaskarth!”

I stuttered as I tried to get my words out in a rush while still trying to maintain a certain amount of dignity, I could feel my cheeks flushing red already. Once I was sure my embarrassment had disappearing I skipped across the kitchen behind the counter, Alex turning around as I approached simply laughing at my choice of skipping. I pulled him into a side hug as I wrapped my arms tightly around his torso.

“Morning”

I mumbled into his side as I felt him laugh, the raspy chuckle building in his chest and throat. He pressed a gently kiss to my forehead as his hands were preoccupied with a pan in one hand and a spatula in the other. Still sleepy I managed to slip onto one of the bar stool that surrounded the kitchen island.

“Sleep well?”

He asked while dishing out the first batch he cooked onto a plate and sliding it towards me, a smile effortlessly etched onto his face. How was he such a morning person?!

“No! I had the worse fucking night sleep of my entire life”

I added sarcastically as Alex looked stunned at my sudden outburst. I pointed towards my bed hair before continuing

“Do I look like I had the worse night sleep of my life?”

I smirked as he shook his head in dismay, laughing to no-one but himself.

“No,but I get it…you’re definitely not a morning person”

“Well observed Lex”

I clapped in a mocking tone just to add to the dramatic tension we had created on a Saturday morning.

“You definitely are”

I stated there was no questioning it, this boy obviously loved mornings.

“Nope actually, it usually takes something like a huge hurricane or something to get me out of bed. It’s only because I’ve had caffeine this morning, I’m like…like…Jack”

Rolling my eyes I immediately tucked into my pancakes, they were delicious. Was there nothing this boy couldn’t do? Seriously though.

In a mere few minutes I had polished my entire plate off and was just about to take my plate to the sink, it was the least I could do. But he stopped me; he stopped me sliding off the stool by just standing in front of me, blocking me. Alex took the plate out of my hands; he didn’t say anything he just stared, his lighter brown fighting my darker. I was too lost in his eyes I couldn’t speak, I didn’t even register how close we were, his warm breath hitting my lips, teasing.

In that one moment he leaned closer some more, my plate still in his hand as he blocked me from leaving the chair. I thought he was going to close the gap and capture my lips; I wanted him to so bad. Just as I was about to do it for him though, he moved away and just smiled, he just fucking smiled – tease.

Well two can play at that game Alex.

As I watched him make his way over to the sink I took my chance and slipped off the stool. Stopping Alex just before he got to the sink I took the plate out of his hand, slipping past him as close as I possibly could, our lips centimeters from touching – just to tease him of course.

After I dumped the plate into the dish water I took up a place on top of the kitchen island, my feet swinging mindlessly below capturing my attention. Alex’s mom didn’t mind me sitting on the counter; if I did it at home my mum would go mad saying I could damage the design or décor.

I was so engrossed with watching my feet mindlessly dangling off the counter that I didn’t even notice Alex come over. He placed his warm hands on the outside of my thighs; it sent an instant tingling sensation throughout my body as butterflies danced furiously in my stomach. After last night his touch had a completely different effect over me, but I liked it, no wait I loved it.

The material of his rusty red joggers gently tickling my bare skin on the inside of my thighs as he positioned himself between my legs, his fingers tracing tiny circles on my upper thigh – he was making me go into meltdown, my body was burning up.

“What you thinking about?”

“Eh? Oh you don’t want to know”

I replied as he pulled my thoughts out from our little moment, in just a few short seconds I knew the following events could end one of two ways, good or bad. I just knew he wouldn’t stop until he got an answer.

“Oh I really do, come on tell me. Remember we tell each other everything from now on”

Sucking in a short breath and letting my chest rise and fall, I just spat it out.

“I heard everything you said last night”

He looked me hard in the eyes instantly, rapidly searching for a sign that I was lying, like it was some joke I was playing on him. I was never asleep in the first place, I heard his declaration. Last night I realized I had nothing to be scared about with him, nothing. I had enough trust in Alex to know he’d look after me right, but again I was placed in the position of breaking my rules, of making my heart vulnerable, breaking down all my walls I took so hard to build. Yet Alex was knocking them down effortlessly.

He hung his head down low in embarrassment, his cheeks flushing a fevering red. It was cute but as much as I tried he wouldn’t meet my eyes, he just wouldn’t. The circles he was tracing stopped and his touch left my skin immediately.

“Look Allie I’m sorry you weren’t meant to hear that and I know you’re scared but i…”

I silenced him by placing a finger to his lips as he subdued immediately, his brows and eyes showing emotions of confusion mainly. I just smiled.

“Don’t apologize I think it was sweet”

I started and I felt Alex’s relieved sigh escape from his lips and tickle my finger that was still pressed there, I dropped it as I continued.

“I’m not scared anymore, well I am but not in the same way as before. Rob fucked me up you know that right? Well anyway he and I dated we were best friends. I always knew he wanted sex but he never pressured me to do it, he would just say it’s okay. You know why?”

Alex shook his head. No.

“Because he was getting his `needs` elsewhere in the form of a girl called Crystal, She hated me Alex she was everything I despised. I only found out because Rob took me to a party, to fuck her obviously, his sleazy mate tried to rape me and told me Rob was cheating on me. Luckily Maddie found me just in time, but he ruined me after I found out he publicly humiliated me claiming I was frigid and all this shit. He was my first love Alex. That’s why I’m so naïve; Rob never gave me a proper relationship so I don’t really know what one is. I find it hard to open up and trust because of him. I took that all out on you and I’m sorry because after what you said last night I know you’re NOTHING like him.”

Alex smiled at that last sentence and I knew right there and then that this was heading somewhere good, he knew about Rob and he didn’t judge. The next part however…

“I guess you need to know about this”

I suggested twiddling the golden camera and chain around and around my fingers absentmindedly, not even daring to capture Alex’s gaze. I knew he’d say it didn’t matter and I wouldn’t have to but if I wanted to be with him, if he wanted me at all. He had to know everything.

“A boy called Seth gave me this on my 13th birthday; he saved all his pocket money up to buy it for me. I had a passion for photography you see I used to photograph anything I could. Just a couple of months after I turned 14 me and Seth went up to a waterfall on a hot summer day, I was put in charge of looking after him as he was 9 years old and couldn’t swim really well. He was swimming at the bottom of the waterfall and I…I”

Tears were brimming over my barriers as I desperately tried to hold them back, Alex noticed grabbing one of my hands and using his other to wipe away the escaping droplets. He gave my hand a little squeeze and I somehow found the courage to continue.

“I literally turned my back for 10 minutes to get some water for us, it was only then did I hear a woman scream out that my skin turned ghostly. I turned back around and he was gone. Seth had got caught by a current under the water and it took him, his body floating lifelessly atop of the water. He was fucking 9 and it was my entire fault, I shouldn’t have turned my back for less than a second! He died and this necklace is the only thing I have left of him….the only thing that reminds me of my little brother, Seth. I haven’t done photography since, not for me anyway, I only take photos of important memories. Maddie does all the proper photography now”

Alex mouth fell agape and I braced myself for the “How could you have been so stupid” and the “You’re so irresponsible” that my parents and entire family had thrown at me for 4 years straight anytime Seth is mentioned. His birthday or anniversary is always the worst.

Alex remained silent for a long time and it scared the shit out of me, I knew this would change everything. However he looked at me with sadness in his hazel eyes, he reached out gently tucking a strand of hair behind my ear placing his hands on either side of my face making me give my undivided attention to him, there was no escaping.

“It’s not your fault Allie, Don’t you EVER think that. You weren’t to know what was going to happen, nobody would. It was just a tragic accident, you understand me?”

He explained with a much justice and conviction behind it as possible, I nodded in response as fresh tears rolled down my face, tears of realization. Realization that I wasn’t to blame I never was and realization that what Alex had just said, unknown to him, had ultimately made my next move a given.

“I’m just tired of waiting”

I said out loud as I smiled to myself while the words escaped my lips. I knew I would confuse the hell out of him.

“What? I don’t understand Allie, tired of waiting for what exactly?”

“I’m tired of waiting to do this”

My dark eyes contrasted in his light one’s for a few seconds before I closed my eyes, my lips aching desperately for his. My hands wound their way around his neck as I collided my lips onto his, a sweet tingling sensation travelling between the both of our lips.

My stomach was doing back flips and my heart was beating so fast against my rib cage I felt like it was going to escape. He licked my bottom lip begging for entrance, entrance he didn’t need to beg for in the first place. Letting him in our tongues battled in a heated dominance.

He was close enough but I wanted him closer, he pushed himself as far as he could against the kitchen counter and I used that as a sign to shuffle across the counter a little bit, getting closer and tighter to his body. His hands gripped tight on my thighs before they travelled up my waist and found themselves locked in my hair. My fingers unwound from around his neck and travelled smoothly through his chestnut bangs, tugging down on this hair every now and then.

My tugging and desire for more only made me blush furiously when I made a desirable moan slip through his throat, quickly reaching my lips as I felt the rumble behind it. I never made Rob moan when we kissed ever. Before things got any more heated Alex broke off the kiss, pressing his forehead to mine and both of us trying to catch our breath. A genuine huge smile playing on my lips and one to match was repeated on Alex.

A few minutes later and we were at it again, Alex was damn good kisser I’ll admit that right now. It’s just a shame that I wasn’t the one that taught him to be that good, whoever she was she was a lucky girl. Things got heated again pretty quickly and this time it was my turn to let out a moan when Alex found a spot right on my neck.

As he began sucking on the sensitive part of my neck that he discovered, the t-shirt he borrowed me slipped down slightly revealing my black bra strap. I suddenly felt really self conscious and I don’t know why It wasn't like I was naked, it was just a bra strap. Before I could stop to adjust it back, Alex stopped it for us and looking at me he just smiled and lifted the material that had fell only a few centimeters back up onto my shoulder.

I smiled wide he was different from Rob completely and I knew letting him in would be the best decision in my entire life. He just had to stick to his promises. Alex placed a soft kiss on my forehead before lifting me effortlessly off the kitchen counter and into the living room before placing Peter Pan back on the television as we snuggled down together on the sofa, his heart beating in my ear lulling me into a peaceful and happy state as I leant my head on his chest.

“You missed your favorite bit last night, you fell asleep remember”

He teased knowing damn well he knew I wasn’t asleep; otherwise we wouldn’t be like this right now and the previous half an hour or so would never have happened. Smiling to myself I nestled my head further into the crook of Alex’s neck, softly mumbling.

“You’re dangerous to me Alex”

“How so”

He asked aimlessly twisting a lock of my jet black hair around his finger.

“Because you’re making me break the rules, every single one of my rules; you’re making me fall for you and I know I can’t stop myself”

“Well I’m always going to be here to catch you when you do fall, I promise.”