Carpe Diem

I pretty much spent the rest of the day and night contemplating and I still hadn’t come to a decision. Every time I’d decide against joining “You belong on the stage.” would suddenly find a way to creep back into my thoughts, making me change my mind all over again. I hadn’t distanced myself from everyone as such, but I’d taken a step back from all the madness and excitement to contemplate once more. We were currently on the way to Albany, New York. It was roughly about an hour and forty minutes away from Poughkeepsie, so the journey gave me time to think, but I didn’t know if I could make the decision by myself as the way things were going I’d never end up reaching one. It’s safe to say I was stuck, truly and completely.
I sighed as I made my way up the last few steps of the spiral staircase slowly and made my way over to my bunk. I climbed in and picked my Keytar up off of my pillow, turning it over to glance over the back again. That was another thing that was playing on my mind, I had no idea what it meant and who wrote it, whoever it was though, was going to get slap across the head as it’d been written in permanent marker. I suppose it could’ve been worse though, it could’ve said something like “I bat for both sides” or something, that would’ve been a little hard to explain.
My cell started vibrating in my pocket, I bit my lip anxiously and pulled it out quickly before pushing up the screen.

One new message from Alex.

Hey fucker. Today’s our day off, how cool is that?! Considering we don’t do much but you know, it’s still great, ha. Anyway, I’m rambling. SO the point of this is, do you want to hang out with Logan, Jake and I? Don’t by any means think we’re trying to push you into joining the band, but we could really use your help, whether you do or not.

I ran a hand through my hair before tapping away at the keys quickly.

To Alex.

Yeah of course I’ll help you, I know you’re not trying to push me into joining don’t worry. But that sounds good, I’ll see you soon.

I smiled a little as I placed my cell back in my pocket, it meant something that they weren’t trying to push me to come to a decision with the click of the fingers because it really wasn’t that easy though, but before I had the chance to think about anything else, my cell vibrated again. I raised as eyebrow, there was no way Alex could’ve replied so fast, that was like “the speed of light” fast. Impossible.
I dug my cell out of my pocket and glanced at the screen, causing me to bite my lip once more as I read over the seven words that the message contained.

We both know where your heart lies.

I shook my head and chucked my cell on my pillow before collapsing onto my bed. This was harder than I thought.

I was hoping by the time we reached Albany I would’ve come to a complete decision, no go backs, no second thoughts, but unfortunately, that really wasn’t the case. Infact, it became more difficult. Considering it was everyone’s day off and everyone wanted to do different things everyone split off in their own groups, Hit The Lights wanted to go go-karting, Taking Back Sunday wanted to go paintballing whereas A Rocket To The Moon wanted to chill and play the Xbox all day, you can see who the motivated bands are can’t you? Ha. As for Logan, Alex, Jake and I, well we just wandered around Albany for hours sight-seeing, literally. Well, that was until we came across a park, then the motivation began to kick in.

“Taylor we’re in desperate need of your help.” Jake sighed dramatically as he placed his head on my shoulder. I laughed and rolled my eyes playfully, thankful it wasn’t awkward.

“Guys you’re great at song writing, I don’t see why you need my help.” I chuckled as I played with Jakes hair.

“You make the lyrics more effective though, Taylor. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s like you really bring something to them.” Alex said seriously.

I bit my lip and nodded. Not in agreement, I just truly didn’t know what to say. “Okay well, do you have anything written down so far?” I questioned, glancing between them,

“We’ve got a verse, Jake can do the honour of singing it, though.” Alex chuckled as Jake removed his head off of my shoulder.

“Why do I have to sing it?” He whined.

“Because you sing back up so therefore you have the best voice, duh.” She retaliated proudly as he sighed, knowing she’d won the argument.

He rolled his eyes as he began to sing.

“Baby we don't have to say goodnight

I just stop the tape and press rewind

Not anyone or anything but you

Could ever change these feelings

Let's be all of the things they said we couldn't be

Let's take a chance, let's make it right

You're the only thing keeping me going tonight” He smiled as he stopped singing. I grinned in response and clapped as he pretended to bow.

“And now we’re stuck.” Logan laughed.

I nodded as I began to drum my fingers against my knee as I contemplated. I’d discovered that’d become a habit of mine over a short period of time.

“I’ve got it!” I exclaimed.

“Lets hear it!” Alex cheered as she began to clap.

I bit my lip. “It sounds a bit weird though.”

“Taylor I don’t give a shit, just sing!” She demanded. I flipped her off playfully and opened my mouth to sing.

“Yeah I would do things that you couldn't say no to

Couldn't say no to

Just hold on tight, I'll treat you right

I promise I'll get you home safe tonight” I sang as I bit my lip, waiting for a response.

“They fit perfectly for the chorus. Don’t you see what I mean?! You come up with the perfect lyrics for our songs, that’s all I’m saying” Alex shrugged as Jake and Logan nodded in response.

“I think I’ve got a vague idea for the next verse, too.” I mumbled as Alex took it upon herself to pounce on me.

“Sing it! Sing it! SING IT!” She exclaimed.

“And I don't know about you

But I am so into the things we do

It's a broken heart that scares me

You have nothing to fear, I'll stay with you my dear

It's a broken heart that scares me” I sang once more before I spoke again.

“And that could possibly lead into the chorus again.” I suggested.

Alex nodded before her face suddenly lit up as she looked at Jake and I in turn.

“I’ve got the perfect idea!”

I raised an eyebrow. “Should I be worried?”

She laughed and flipped me off. “Not at all, but I think you and Jake should sing it together.”

“Sounds good to me, if you’re up for it?” Jake questioned, glancing at me.

“Sure, why not? I’ve got nothing to lose.” I grinned as he stuck his hand up for a high-five, which I accepted.

“How are we going to go about this, though?” He asked as I shrugged.

“Lets just experiment then we can make changes if necessary.” I said as he nodded in agreement.

Taylor. Jake. Both.

“Baby we don't have to say goodnight

I just stop the tape and press rewind

Not anyone or anything but you

Could ever change these feelings

Let's be all of the things they said we couldn't be

Let's take a chance, let's make it right

You're the only thing keeping me going tonight

Yeah I would do things that you couldn't say no to

Couldn't say no to

Just hold on tight, I'll treat you right

I promise I'll get you home safe tonight

I contemplated as Logan began to drum a possible drum beat on his thigh, and believe me when I say I don’t know how it happened, but a range of lyrics suddenly popped into my head that I felt fit with the current ones of the song. I smiled as Jake began to sing the lyrics that I’d only come up with mere moments before.

And I don't know about you

But I am so into the things we do

It's a broken heart that scares me

You have nothing to fear, I'll stay with you my dear

It's a broken heart that scares me I sang as Jake winked at me before singing once again.

Yeah I would do things that you couldn't say no to

Couldn't say no to

Just hold on tight, I'll treat you right

I promise I'll get you home safe tonight

I grinned as I ushered for him to sing again.

Yeah I would do things that you couldn't say no to

Couldn't say no to

Just hold on tight, I'll treat you right

I promise I'll get you home safe tonight

I just can't stand to be myself

You could be anyone else

We've got all night to see

If this is meant to be

Just let go, leave your drama in the backseat

Just let go, just let go of it

You make this so damn easy!

I chuckled as I glanced at Alex who began to clap along.

Yeah I would do things that you couldn't say no to

Just hold on tight, I'll treat you right

I promise I'll get you home safe tonight

Yeah I would do things that you couldn't say no to

Couldn't say no to

Just hold on tight, I'll treat you right

I promise I'll get you home

Yeah I would do things that you couldn't say no to

Couldn't say no to

Just hold on tight, I'll treat you right

I promise I'll get you home safe tonight! I sang as Alex and Logan began to cheer.

“That was fucking awesome!” Jake grinned, pulling me into a hug.

“Holy shit, we’re using that song!” Alex exclaimed as she began to scribble down the lyrics in the notebook that I’d found the previously day.

“We need to write some music for this, I need my drum kit!” Logan whined.

“I say we go back and write some music for this right now, agreed?” Jake said looking from Alex, to Logan, to me.

I laughed as I pushed my hair out of my face. “I’m not a music writer, you don’t need me to write music.”

“No, but regardless of if you join our band or not you are singing that song.” He stated as I rolled my eyes playfully before nodding.

I bit my lip as I remembered the text.

We both know where your heart lies.

We made our way back to where the buses were located shortly after as Logan was itching to get back to his beloved Drum Kit and who were we to deprive the kid? Ha. Regardless of the fact we hadn’t been gone more than two hours, when we arrived back we were met with the sight of Taking Back Sunday plus Lidia and Charlie as well as Hit The Lights plus Hayden and A Rocket To The Moon all stood around outside the buses wrapped up in conversations about what I assumed at first were about how their day’s experiences, or activities, went.

“Taylor,” Matt shouted as he ran the short distance over to me quickly, “In paintballing I shot Adam where it hurts.” He stated proudly.

I couldn’t help it, I began laughing hysterically. When I say ‘laughing hysterically’ I mean I was on the grass clutching my sides as I tried to catch my breath, I’m sure to no-one else it wouldn’t have been so funny, but oh boy, was I amused.

“I take it you told her what happened?” Lidia grinned as she appeared beside Matt, looking down at me.

I breathed in deeply and stood up in order to compose myself before speaking, “Oh, you bet he told me,” I grinned as I looked over at Adam who was wrapped up talking to Justin before shouting, “Yo, Adam! I guess you can’t have kids now.”

His head snapped in my direction before shooting me a cold glare, “Shut up Taylor, no-one asked you.”

I shrugged innocently before sending him a smirk. “Matt, you’ve made my day.” I sighed happily as I wrapped my arms around him.

“I thought I would. Hey listen, I need to talk to you about something.” He stated, sending me an all-knowing look.

My heart sank a little, I had no idea what it was about, but I figured it couldn’t be good.

“We’ll leave you to it.” Alex said as she shot me a smile before dragging Jake and Logan with her as Lidia followed behind them before going to speak to Collin and Hayden.

“Walk with me.” He said simply as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders before pulling me off towards the vast space of grass that led away from the buses.

“Matt you’re making me feel like I’ve assassinated someone or something,” I said slowly as he didn’t speak for a moment but began to drum his fingers against my shoulder without saying a word.

As we began to walk further and further away from the buses it began to get too much as whenever I said something to Matt he‘d just drum his fingers against my shoulder a little harder and it began to irritate me highly. “Matt!” I snapped as I pushed his arm of my shoulder, grabbing him by the arm and spinning him around to face me, “What’s wrong?”

“When were you going to tell me? If ever?” He questioned, looking at me intently.

I raised an eyebrow as I tried to process what the hell he was questioning me about.

“I don’t-” I began but he cut me off by speaking once more, “About you and Adam, when were you going to tell me?”

I sighed as I sat down before crossing my legs as he mimicked my actions, “There is no “me and Adam” there never has been, I don’t know what he’s told you, but-”

“You broke his heart?” He questioned, rather than stated.

“Oh, that.” I scoffed, “Look, I don’t know if you were aware he had feelings for me but I most certainly wasn’t until the morning I left to go back to England, he told me he loved me then tried to shut me up with his god damn mouth,” I sighed before continuing, “But it’s in the past, it doesn’t mean anything anymore, he’s just using it as something to try and justify his hate for me.”

“He doesn’t hate you,” He chuckled as he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, “He just dislikes you.”

“Like there’s a difference in his books.” I mumbled, pushing my hair out of my face.

“So are you going to tell me exactly what happened?” He asked, drumming his fingers against his knee.

I shrugged, “There’s nothing much to tell, I’ve pretty much just said the whole back story.”

“You had feelings for him too though.” He stated.

I chuckled awkwardly as I tried to shrug it off, “That’s irrelevant.”

“You don’t need to admit it Taylor, I think it’s safe to say I know you better than you know yourself, so all I have to ask you is,” He took a breath before looking at me intently, “Why did you leave?”

I inhaled sharply as I felt my heart rate increase, did I really want to tell him the truth? In all honestly I was surprised he didn’t know, although I was even more surprised that Adam had managed to keep his mouth shut about something that he could’ve just blurted out at any point after I’d left and at any point during the four years.

“I want the truth.” He demanded before I sighed, not saying a word.

Was I really going to tell him? Half of me wanted to as it’d been a long time since it all happened and I never kept anything from Matt, and when I say never I meant never, since we were little kids we’d tell each other everything no matter how random or how personal, and I began to feel guilt was over me.

“Just keep in mind this was four years ago, okay?” I sighed as he opened his mouth to speak but I cut him off again, “Don’t ask questions, just listen.”

So I told him, I told him everything about that night, from Cindy’s psycho brother holding a knife to my neck, to Adam finding me in the alley, to how I’d made him promise to not utter a word, to how I’d made the decision to leave and how Adam had told me he loved me.

Matt sat there, wide-eyed through the whole thing, not moving once, hell, I even thought he’d stopped breathing as he just sat there, not uttering a word, even when I was done.

“Matt? Are you okay?” I questioned as I began to chew my bottom lip, waiting for any sign of movement or words from him.

“I-How could you not tell me? We tell each other everything Taylor, how could you not fucking tell me!” He shouted as he stood up.

“Because I knew you’d react like this! It’s been four years Matt,” I sighed as I stood up, grabbing both his hands in mine tightly despite him trying to pull away, “Just let it go.”

He studied me before sighing deeply, his eyes glancing at my neck as I let go of his hands as he reached out and touched the faint scar across my neck with his fingertips.

“I’ll let it go. I’m just angry you didn’t tell me.” He sighed sadly as he dropped his hand down to his side.

“I know, I wouldn’t expect anything else, I’m sorry.” I apologised as I entwined my fingers with his.

“I know you are, it’s okay, Taylor. I just wish I could’ve been there to protect you.” He said as he pressed his lips to my forehead gently before pulling me along back in the direction we came from and back towards the buses.

“I’m quite surprised though, Adam never keeps his mouth shut about anything, infact I would’ve thought he’d be even more keen to tell something that you’d told him to keep to himself to the world,” He chuckled half heartedly as he began to swing our entwined hands back and forth. Ever since we’d been little kids we’d gotten into the habit of holding hands whenever one of us felt angry or down, it was a reassurance kind of thing.

“You’re telling me, although I suppose it’s down to the fact that it was his own psycho slut of a girlfriend at the time who had arranged the whole thing.” I shrugged as he nodded in response.

Neither of us uttered a word after that as we walked the short distance back in a comfortable silence. I’d felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders as I’d finally told him the truth about everything and I knew I’d never have to worry about keeping it a secret any longer, well from him, anyway. I knew he wouldn’t tell anyone, he never did, with anything.

“So, I think we need to hang out soon, Rubano. Properly.” Matt smiled as we disconnected our hands.

“I agree, Rubano. I’ve missed you.” I said as I hugged him sideways, “I’m sorry I’ve not been around all that much recently what with everything that’s been going on.” I apologised.

“It’s fine Taylor, there’s no need to apologise. We need to all hang out at some point too, everyone misses you, well, almost everyone.” He laughed as we reached the buses with everyone stood outside once more.

“I agree, I miss you all too. Well, almost everyone.” I smirked as he ruffled my hair.

“Where did you go?! How dare you leave me!” Fred whined as he wrapped his arms around me as I mimicked his actions.

“I’m feeling the love, Freddie boy.”

“Oh you did not just call me-” I heard him say as I glanced over at Adam who was leaning against their bus by himself.

“I’ll be right back, just continue ranting to yourself by imagining I’m here.” I winked as Fred glared at me before throwing his arms up in the air dramatically and ranting again.

I made my way over to Adam slowly and awkwardly shoved my hands in my hoodie pockets as he turned his head to face me before shoving his cell back in his pocket.

“What do you want, Taylor?” He asked as he rolled his eyes.

“I just wanted to say thank you.” I mumbled.

He stared at me for a moment, a blank expression playing its way across his face, “For what?”

“For not telling Matt, or anyone, about…you know.” I said awkwardly.

“It wasn’t my secret to tell. Not that it’s much of a secret, more of a mistake.”

I raised an eyebrow, “A mistake?”

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” He scoffed.

“Which part are we talking about here, exactly?”

“What part do you think I’m talking about?”

“Adam would you stop being so god damn awkward?!” I exclaimed as I ran a hand through my hair.

“It was all a mistake, the Cindy thing, the Alley thing, the me kissing you thing, more to the point the whole me telling you I loved you thing.” He said coldly.

I scoffed, “You wouldn’t be saying that if I’d stayed.”

“Don’t delude yourself, like I said, it was a mistake.” He said before pushing past me roughly and making his way over to the others.

I rolled my eyes as I leaned back against their bus. Unbelievable.