If Looks Could Kill, I'd Be Dead

Theta

"Sash, I don’t want to go back to school.” I roll over and face him. We’re lying on our backs in the grass in Sascha’s backyard. He rolls over and faces me as well.

“I know, sweetie.” He props his head up on his elbow and looks down at me. “I know.” I sigh, looking up at his beautiful blue eyes. “But, this is our senior year, babe! We still need to go to college together. You know, party it up.” He giggles. I swat his shoulder.

“I just wish we could skip high school and go straight to college. I’m sick of this town. Nothing… interesting ever happens here.” I reply, looking away from his mesmerizing eyes.

“Yeah…” he frowns, but then grins. “We have big city dreams, but we’ll make it. Don’t worry. We will.”

“Okay.” I smile up at his pretty face and scooch over to him. I wrap my arms around his unusually skinny body and bury my face in his chest. He kisses the top of my head.

“We’ll make it babe, I promise.” He says in my hair.



Sascha Lewis is my best friend. No, actually, we aren’t the cliché best friends that will fall in love. Why? Because Sascha is gay.

I used to have the biggest crush on him. In fact, I was practically in love with him when I was sixteen. Sascha was turning seventeen; I never even knew he was gay until his seventeenth birthday party. I mean, sure he was a bit… feminine, per se but he didn’t come right out and say that he was gay. I guess I should have figured because he had never had a girlfriend, although many pretty girls have showed interest in him.

Sascha was a beautiful person, inside and out. He was such a sweetheart, so kind and loving, and a bit touchy-feely. He had long, shoulder length black hair with a thick blonde strip in the bangs and both of his ears were pierced. God, he even had his belly button pierced. He had full pink lips that contrasted with his rather pale skin and bright, shining baby blue eyes.

Okay, so he was extremely gay, just still in the closet. I was just blinded by my feelings for him. So what? You can't blame me. He's the perfect guy, if only he was straight.

Sascha’s birthday was in July and mine was in October. The party was held on a warm summer night in his extensive backyard. There were paper lanterns strung between trees and near the pool and hot tub. Music was blaring from the radio and people were dancing.

I decided that on that night, I’d kiss Sascha. I was going to kiss my best friend. This was before I knew that he liked guys. I ignored all of the thoughts that the kiss would ruin our friendship, nothing would be the same, et cetera. Everyone was outside and I couldn’t find Sascha. I assumed that he was somewhere in the house, and sure enough he was in the kitchen. He was getting some more soda from the refrigerator.

“Hey, Sash.” I say, butterflies in my stomach, my heart beating out of my chest.

“Theta!” he sets the soda down and comes over to me, giving me a quick hug. “How’s the party so far?” I pull away and look into his bright eyes. My eyes dart to his smiling lips, his perfectly straight, white teeth showing in a smile. His smile fades a little and he gives me a strange look. Instead of answering his question, I pull his face to mine and kiss him.

The kiss wasn’t at all like I expected it to be. My expectations were pretty damn high. I wanted the earth to move; I was expecting some earth-shattering, euphoric, and exhilarating kiss… but instead, it was just Sascha and I, our lips touching. Not even a single spark whatsoever. The shock registers in his eyes after a second. He removes his hands from my waist and starts to pull away.

Even though I didn't feel any spark, I sure felt the embarrassment, confusion, and rejection wash over me like a wave because he didn’t kiss me back. And, I feel disappointment because the kiss didn’t feel… right. It didn't go at all like I wanted it to.

I feel the tears prickle my eyes as he says, “Um… what was that?” I can’t even look at him or I’ll start to cry, so instead, I start to walk away.

I’m going home. I just completely ruined our friendship. Stupid, I cannot believe that you did that. I scold myself.

He takes a hold of my arm. “Wait, Theta…” He turns me around and bends down so that he can look into my eyes. He’s a good five foot ten and I’m five foot two. “Please, talk to me. I just want to know why you kissed me.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” I say, dejected and frustrated. “I like you, okay? But clearly you don’t feel the same way.” I almost shout, tears falling down my cheeks. I dislike having a best friend that's a boy. No matter what happens, you will have feelings for your best friend of the opposite gender at one time or another in your life, or vice versa. The only problem? It's almost always one sided.

He stays silent and looks away. I make an exasperated groan and start to walk away again, feeling like a fool.

“I do like you, Theta.” I whip around and look at him. “Er, I would like you…”

“Huh?” I don’t know what he’s talking about. Yet I do. I know what's coming, I just don't want to believe it. He meets my eyes, bewilderment clear in his face.

“I… I thought you knew.”

“Knew what?!”

“That I’m gay.” Whoa. I hold onto the counter so that I don’t fall over.

“You… you like guys?”

“Well, yeah. I thought it was obvious. I thought you knew.” I ruminate what has just happened here. Sascha is… gay.

I knew it all along. I mean, the way he’d always check out other guys when they walked by, like I did. The way he never complained about going clothes shopping with me, like most other guys would. The way he was a thespian. The way he sometimes even bought girl’s clothes when we went shopping; I didn't find it strange at the time, because I'd buy a boy's t shirt or hoodie on occasion. Huh... Why the hell did I not see this before? I was so blinded for my feelings for him that I disregarded everything. I didn’t want to believe that he was, but subconsciously, I knew. I’ve known all along.

“Wow. I was so stupid.” I laugh. I laugh so hard that tears are forming in my eyes again.

“Why are you laughing?” He’s looking at me like I grew an extra foot or something.

“I-I...” I take a deep breath. "Oh, God. Sascha, I’m so sorry. I was being... just dumb!" I laugh again. "I hope this doesn’t ruin our friendship. Phew…” I fan my face with my hand, a smile still sitting stupidly on my face. A grin spreads across his face, too.

“Theta… Are you sure we’re good?" he looks at me uncertainly. "Like, do you still… have feelings for me? Or...”

“God, no!” I laugh. “This changes everything, I mean… I didn’t even feel anything in your kiss. I expected it to be this fantastic kiss that made the earth stand still… But it wasn’t.” I look up at him. He’s grinning.

“Oh, good. Because I didn’t feel anything at all either.” I laugh.

“Oh, Sascha. I’m sorry. I hope this doesn’t make things awkward between us.” I automatically go in for a hug, wrapping my arms around my best friend.

“No! Of course not, just look at us.” He has his arms wrapped around me still in a loose embrace.

“True.” I shrug and hug his thin waist to me.

“But hey. If I were into girls…” he looks at me seriously. “I’d definitely be in to you.” He slaps my ass jokingly.

“Sascha!” I swat his hand and place it back on my waist. I'm just glad this didn't ruin our friendship.



“Whoa, Theta.” Sascha is shaking me. “Where did you go?” I laugh, reminiscing.

“Oh, I was just thinking…” I giggle. “Remember last year when I tried to kiss you?” Sascha chuckles.

“Oh my God. That was so sad!” he says, but he’s laughing. “I felt so terrible!” he rubs my arm comfortingly.

“It’s okay!” I laugh a little. “Really, that was so dumb. I still can’t believe I kissed you like that.”

“Just remember! If I was into girls…” he winks at me and pokes me in the tummy. I squeak and say,

“Sacha!” We have an intense poke war in the grass. It’s over in minutes; we’re both breathless and giddy.

For the rest of the day, we just lie around in his backyard, side by side. Tomorrow is the first day of senior year and then we’ll be off to college. One year, and then we’ll be gone. Done with the same old, same old. Done with these boring suburbs. I’m excited just thinking about it; Sascha and I have big city dreams, and we will fulfill our ambitions.