Morte et Dabo

When Danny starts to quote Dedication, James can’t help but start sobbing quietly, and quickly walks off the stage. My eyes dart over to him, I start to panic, and run off stage to go find him. He’s leaning against the wall, his hands over his face, shoulder’s shaking.

I bite my lip and walk up behind the tall, skinny drummer, and put an arm on the bare, muscular shoulder gently. “Hey man. It’s alright.” I say softly, rubbing gentle circles on the smooth skin.

James chokes back a sob and shakes his head violently. “No it fuckin’ isn’t. It never was and it never will be.” He hisses, jerking his shoulder away from me. Hurt stabs at my chest, but I shake it off. “You wouldn’t understand. Just… just go away.” He mutters, quickly wiping at his eyes and walking away.

That fucking hurts.

I glare and stalk over to him, shove him onto the couch and stand above him, arms crossed.

“What?” James snaps; eyes still glossy. He’s so bipolar, I swear. At one time, I want to punch the living daylights out of him, but then the next two minutes he’s the most innocent thing and I just want to hold him and tell him everything will be okay.

“That hurt James. And you fucking know it. All I want to do is help you, and I can’t even do that. Why won’t you let me?”

“Because it’s complicated. I don’t… I don’t want your help. Okay? Can we just leave it at that?” he pleads, looking up at me with those big, brown eyes.

I huff and sit down beside him, putting a hand on his knee. He looks down at it with a sad smile before reaching out to take my hand in his. He plays with my fingers for a moment before squeezing my hand. He sniffs quietly and looks up at me.

James has always been the part of the group that’s the sensible one. The one that wouldn’t do anything stupid. The one that’s serious and doesn’t make dumb decisions. I trust him with my life, but this is the one thing that I don’t trust him with. He isn’t okay, and I’m not going to leave it like that. He needs help. And I want to be the one to give it to him.

“Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong? Why every time we try and dedicate that, you start to cry? I just want to be here for you James. Why won’t you let me?”

He’s still playing with my fingers and I give him an encouraging squeeze.

He pauses and then opens his mouth. “Cam… she died. She died seven years ago, and I can’t just leave it at that. She was so sick. I still remember her in the hospital bed, just... waiting to die. She was so sick she couldn’t even speak, open her eyes, grip my hand. And then she passed away. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. I still miss her. I still want her. And every time Danny says that, I do think about her smile. I do think about her laugh. And I don’t want to let that go. I don’t want to let her go. I still love her.” He finishes, barely audible, but it’s still there.

My heart wrenches in my chest.

I reach up and touch his cheek gently with my free hand. His eyes are so sad; so tired. Almost like he’s sick of doing this. He’s sick of living. He leans into my hand, closing his eyes. I smile. “James. I’m almost positive she wouldn’t want you hung up on this. She’s in a better place now. Sure she still loves you, but she wants you to be happy. She wants you to move on. Don’t you think?”

His eyes stay shut and then he turns his face to nuzzle the palm of my hand gently. His nose brushes my fingers and I sigh. “Don’t you want to move on too?”

James opens his eyes slowly. “I… I do. But I-I… I don’t know how to.” He whispers, eyes brimming with tears again.

Please don’t cry again. Don’t you dare fucking cry. I can’t stand it if you do. I love you too much to see you so… broken. Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to yourself.

My hand falls from his face and back onto his lap. He whimpers softly and shifts closers. My arm instinctively goes around his waist and his head falls on my shoulder.

“Show me how.” He whispers, pressing a soft kiss on the side of my neck, and then up to my jawbone, to my cheek, and then to my ear. “Make me forget.”

I push him away so that he’s away from my face, but not far enough so that he’s separated from me. “I don’t want you to forget her, James. I never want you to forget her. I just want you to be able to move on. I love you too much to see you like this every day. I want to be able to see you smile, laugh, frown, like a normal human being. I don’t want to see you miserable, broken, in a state of depression. I don’t want you to forget, but I want you to move on… Move on with me. Do you understand?” I ask gently.

He nodded and I wrapped my arms around his tiny waist, rocking his body back and forth. He cried softly again, but this time he cried because he was free. He wasn’t trapped in a never ending maze of depression, shaking and miserable. He was at peace again, and that’s all I ever wanted.

You'll never really find those perfect words, something more than just, goodbye. It's hard to remember the good times when there was just so much heartache, and they deserve more than that. They deserve more than just one single moment of sadness, so just remember, when there's enough love in our hearts to burst like a fuckin' supernova, then there's sure as hells enough love in our heart, to spark that famous smile. We all lose someone at some point in our lives, but don't ever let go of that smile. Hold on forever, because that's our final dedication.
~ Dedication - Asking Alexandria