Fall Out Girl

Dedicated to Melissa Lynn Cali and Gary "Pops" Roper

I looked into the double room. I had been here, in the funeral home, for a good three hours and I still couldn’t make my way into the first room. Every time I convinced myself that I was strong and that I would go in there, my foot would pause over the threshold, then I would run back to the reception area and plaster myself against the wall. I even tried going in there with my eyes closed- it doesn’t work.

Pat looked at me with pitiful eyes as he came over and wrapped his arms around my small
frame. I buried my head into his shoulder. He just held me tighter as my body shook with sobs. I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. See, this is why I loved having a twin. He just got me. He knew exactly what I needed at these kind of times. I’m sure that some other siblings have a connection like this, but it isn’t as strong as the love I have for my brother. I knew that, no matter what, he would always be here for me- even when we’re hundreds of miles apart, he would always be there for me. I didn’t notice him edging us over to the threshold until my foot bumped into the raised floor. I freaked out and buried myself further into his arms.

“Shh, Emmy-Wemmy, it’s ok. We’re just going to go in the first part. He’s not in here.”

“I-I can’t” I mumbled into his nice dress shirt. Despite what most people in our town think, yes, my brother can pull off the dressed up look when he applies himself.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be by your side the entire time. I won’t ever leave you.” He whispered calmly into my ear.

“Ok.” He smiled down at me and we scooted into the room, my body still buried in his. God, I felt like a rape victim, clinging onto him like I was. It hurt to see him so sentimental. Once we had gotten about a third of the way into the room, Pat stopped our movement.

I looked at what I could in the small room. There were a bunch of flower arrangements lining the walls, all saying practically the same thing: RIP Parker Lewis. All of them overlapped the others in some sort of crazy design- there wasn’t any space left. There was a sad song playing from somewhere behind me. I tried to find the source, but didn’t have any luck. Pat, seeing my predicament, slowly turned me around. He turned me, too, so that my back was against him. I guess he didn’t want me to see the next room quite yet. I quickly located the source of the noise- a small TV with a slide show of pictures and video was continuously playing on it. I smiled as a few “Baby Parker” images came up. The next one after that was of our first high school football game together in ninth grade. We were both painted up and making funny faces to the camera.

I broke down at the next one. It was the video his mom took the day before the game. That was the last time we had an actual conversation. I quickly spun and crashed my face into the crook of his neck. Pat just held me tight and rubbed my back.

“It’s ok. It’s ok. You’re fine. I love you, Emmy. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” He kept saying that in my ear. I was glad for his patient, laid back personality. I would have gone nuts by now if I was in his position. I felt another body press against my back. Whoever it was wrapped their arms around both Pat and I. I quickly caught the scent of my mother and relaxed. Slowly, she pulled me out of my twin’s arm and into hers.

I looked at her. Her eyes were red and puffy. They had bags under them. She looked so much older than she really was. Already, her dark red hair was turning grey. After taking in her disheveled appearance, I looked back into her eyes. They spoke the words that couldn’t be said. I knew that she was thinking how she would be dealing if it were Pat or I in that coffin the next room. Would she be as strong as Darla and Jim? I knew that, if I were in her shoes, I would be completely shattered and on the floor with no hope of recovery.

I let her pull me into another embrace as Pat hugged me from behind. He nuzzled himself into my right shoulder blade. I could feel the few tears that were staining my shirt. We stayed like that for the longest time. Celine Dion’s “Because You Loved Me” lightly flowed around us on repeat as the slide show continued on the screen. I pulled away from both of them after the third round of the song came on. I gave them a reassuring smile, their faces confused.
Still smiling, I threw my head up and walked into where my deceased boyfriend of two years lay in eternal sleep. Upon seeing me, Darla forced a smile and held her arm out to me. I embraced her quickly. They would have made great In-Laws. Pulling away, I nodded at Jim before he pulled me into a paternal hug. I had to stay strong. Parker wouldn’t have wanted me crying. I gave them a light smile before turning my attention to the casket.

They had clearly put powder and blush on him, but it wasn’t over done. If anything, it made him even more gorgeous. I brushed a strand of his brown hair out of his face and smiled at the memory of it always aggravating him. I had to plead with him to keep it since he looked so adorable fighting with it. Only the front half was open so I couldn’t see all of what he was wearing, but I imagined it to be his favorite pair of jeans and his light blue polo shirt. I lightly grazed my fingers over his cold, lifeless face, remembering the warmth that those same patches of flesh held.

I took the ring that he gave me at out one year- when we first said those three little words- and kissed it. “I’ll never forget you. And this ring will insure that.” I told his body. I put the ring back on my finger and kissed his cheek. “There will always be a special place for you in my heart. Watch over me and guide my heart in the right direction. I loved you more than words could describe.” I wiped away my tears and shot the Lewis’ a small smile before exiting the room. I wandered around the small funeral home before finding myself in the chapel. Sighing, I sat in one of the back pews and stared off into space. I played with my ring, twirling it around my finger, sliding it on and off…the works.

“Hey, Beautiful, what’s life like being lonely? Oh, god, I sounded like a pervert. I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, Pete.” I greeted monotonously as he plopped right next to me, ignoring the last part he said.

“Your brother’s looking for you.”

“He worries too much.”

“He’s just being a good brother.”

I didn’t respond. I looked at my hands and fiddled with the ring on my finger again.

“Some party, eh?” I was a little touched that he was trying to lighten the mood.

“Oh, yea, don’t you know that I’m the afterlife of the party?”

“Heh, that sounds kinda cool.”

Awkward Silence.

“So, how are you holding up? Are you going to make it to the show tomorrow night?”

I snapped my head up. “What are you doing here, Pete? You hardly knew him!”

“And? That means shit to me. Listen, he was a great guy. He was always nice to me and didn’t give me any shit. Besides, he had your love so he must’ve been something special.”

“Thanks, Pete.”

He grabbed my hands, stopping me from playing with my ring. I looked into his eyes. They were warm and didn’t hold their usual mysterious gleam. “Why don’t you tell me more about him? What did you love the most about him? What couldn’t you stand, but would never tell him that it irked you so much? When did you realize that you were in love with him?”
I put a very small, almost unnoticeable smile on my face and began to tell Pete most of Parker’s and my crazy adventures. By the end, we were crying from laughing so hard. It was exactly what I needed.