Four Years

Rachel's POV

April 9th, 2009. 4:43 AM. Portland, OR.

Hotels. I loved them. I flopped down on the fluffy hotel bed and snuggled deep into it. I wrapped the comforter around my body, making myself into a little Rachel burrito. 

I giggled as Jack stepped into my room. He stared at me from the doorway, "What is going on here? Where's Pete?"

"I'm a burrito!" I laughed loudly. "He's outside getting my stuff!"

"Well...you're a burrito I'd like to fuck," He said, sitting down on the bed next to me.

I felt my cheeks grow insanely hot. Did Jack just say that? I needed to get out of my little blanket.

Jack just grinned and unwrapped me, "Hello."

"Hi, Jack," I whispered, matching his grin. Why was I acting like this? I wasn't supposed to be like this to Jack. I was supposed to hate him. I needed to hate him.

"You look very pretty, Rae. I missed you lots," He whispered, closing the gap between us. Soon, I felt his lips on mine. I wanted to rip myself away from him, but I couldn't. He was addictive.

His motherfucking spell was over me.

Finally, I got my brain to work. I shoved Jack off of me and slapped him hard across the face. "Get the fuck out of here," I spat at him. 

He covered the red hand print on his face with his hand, sadness in his eyes. He walked out of the room wordlessly. I sat on the bed, pulling my knees up to my chest. I stared at the door. I wanted Pete to just walk through and come hug me. Not ask any questions. Just come wrap his arms around me and comfort me, keep me warm.

Sure enough, Pete strolled through the door, carrying two of my bags, along with one of his. He set them down by the door, and looked up at me. His smile fell right off his face when he noticed the tears welling up in my eyes.

He rushed over to me and wrapped his arms around me like I wished he would. He crawled onto the bed, still holding me, and just pet my hair back away from my face. 

We didn't say anything. I don't think I really needed to say anything to him. I think he already knew. Well, not everything that happened. Just...he knew that All Time Low was a mistake. He knew I was upset about seeing Jack and Alex yesterday.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Pete finally asked softly, laying back on to the pillows with me. 

I shook my head softly before burying it into his chest. I silently cried into him while he played with my hair. I kinda felt bad about soaking Pete's shirt with my fucking tears, but at the same time, I felt a level of comfort about soaking his shirt. He didn't care. All he cared about was making me feel better. And if that was letting me use his shirt to cry into, then so be it.

Eventually, my crying stopped and I just fell asleep.

***
8:36 AM

I woke up to Pete snoring lightly and the sun creeping through the curtains on to my face. I sat up and rubbed my eyes a bit. I looked around the room and noticed my clothes and my shoes were thrown into a pile on the floor. 

Weird. I don't remember changing at all last night.

I looked down and noticed I was wearing a pair of Pete's shorts and one of my tank tops. Pete must've changed my clothes for me last night. How sweet.

I slowly got out of the bed, careful not to disturb Pete, and slipped my Vans on. I went through Pete's bag and pulled out his Stay Gold hoodie. I giggled to myself. This hoodie was so old, yet he still had it with him.

I grabbed the keycard and my wallet, slipping them into the pockets. I left the room, ready to get myself some food. I saw a nice little Dunkin Donuts on the way here last night. I had a craving for an everything bagel with loads of cream cheese and a hot chocolate. Yum.

As I walked down the hall, I heard a door click open, then click shut. My curiosity got the best of me. I turned around and noticed Alex with a similar outfit to mine on. Only, he had some flip-flops on, his hoodie was white and he had his hood up. I couldn't help but to laugh loudly. 

His head snapped up to see me. He apprehensively smiled at me and waved. I smiled softly at him and waved him over. 

He walked down the hall to me, smiling the entire time, "H-hey, Rae."

"Morning, Alex. Do you wanna go get some Dunkin Donuts with me?" I asked softly, walking with him down the hallway.

"I would love to," He smiled, pressing the elevator down button. We waited in silence. This was awkward. Very, very awkward.

So, you may be wondering why I wasn't ignoring Alex or rolling my eyes at every little thing he does. Well, I did a lot of thinking last night. My meeting with Alex replayed over and over in my head. I figured I was too harsh on him. 

All he did was love me. He was my best friend. I loved the friendship that we had. It was just our relationship that I didn't love. Things got weird we when dated. It just ruined our friendship. I decided that this tour, I was going to rekindle our friendship. 

And, I also decided that I was going to hate Jack for the rest of my life. He was the one I should be mad at, not Alex. All Jack did was use me for sex. It was obvious he still wanted to use me. The sweet talk, the smiles, the everything. Jack was all about sex with me. 

The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. The lobby was surprisingly busy. People were all over. 

Alex and I stepped out of the elevator and shuffled across the lobby, out to the sidewalk out front. 

"So, uh, Rae...hi," Alex laughed, breaking the silence that consumed us. "What made you decide to be, uh - "

"Nice?" I laughed as he nodded a little slowly. "I don't know. I figured I was too harsh on you. I could've been way nicer. So...I wanna get back everything we've lost, Lex."

"Really? Thanks, Rae," He smiled warmly at me. "So, um, why did Jack come back to the room last night with a red handprint on his face?"

"Ahhh, see, the fucker kissed me, that's why," I said, glaring at nothing in particular. 

"No, he didn't," He gasped. We sounded like teenage girls. It was crazy. I just nodded my head. "Jack is such a little douche. I told him not to try anything, and he goes and kisses you. What an asshole. I'm sorry."

I chuckled, "It's fin - no, it's actually not. I sat in my room and cried myself to sleep while Pete held me."

"Pete seems like a good boyfriend," Alex mumbled, holding the door to the Dunkin Donuts open for me. 

"Thanks. And he is. He's so sweet and caring. It's really nice when you have someone you can go to with anything, you know?" I smiled. 

"Yeah, Lisa's a pretty solid support for me. She's been there for me for a lot," He said, staring up at the menu, not even looking at me.  

I felt something in my stomach. It felt like someone punched me. Did I hear him correctly? Did he say Lisa? Ugh. I hated her. 

"Lisa, huh?" I squeaked out. 

"Yup. Now, what do you want to eat?" He asked, stepping up to the counter. 

"Everything bagel with cream cheese and a small hot chocolate," I said to the cashier. 

"Make that two," Alex smiled, putting down a twenty. 

"Alex - "

"No, shut up, I'm buying," He laughed, cutting me off. He took back his change and stepped to the side, waiting for our stuff. 

"Lisa?" I breathed out again, only this time a lot harsher. I couldn't get over this. She was the one who drove us apart. How the hell could he date her?

"What's the big deal? Lisa's really sweet," He shrugged, grabbing the two bags and two hot chocolates. He handed one of each to me. "Why are you stuck on this?"

"Lisa, Alex. Motherfucking Lisa. She drove us apart, dude. How could you be dating her?" I asked, sitting down at one of the tables. 

"Uh...you drove us apart? And, plus, Lisa kinda helped me past you," He shrugged, sipping his hot chocolate. "I could be doing the same thing to you, you know. Like, Pete? Really? Pete?"

I rolled my eyes, "Completely different. Pete didn't drive us apart."

"But you dated him as soon as you got to Chicago. Admit it," He said, taking a bite out of his bagel. 

"Alex, it's totally different," I sighed, ripping off a piece of my bagel. I wasn't that hungry anymore. 

"Someone's jealous," Alex teased, poking my side. Usually, I would flinch and giggle and swat a hand away from my side, but not today. I just sat there. 

"Am not," I muttered, eating a tiny bit of my bagel. 

"Sorry, Rae," He said, picking up on my discomfort. "So, important question that I need to know the answer to..."

"Where's the kid?" I sighed, wiping my hands on my napkin. I looked up at Alex as he nodded. I took a deep breath in, "Alex, this isn't easy to talk about. At all."

"Did you give it up for adoption?" He asked quietly. 

"I wish that happened instead of what really happened," I whispered, my voice cracking. I was ready to break down crying. "Alex, in July 2005, I lost Josh."

"Wh-what?" He choked out. 

"I went to visit Pete at Warped, and I found out that Pete had been cheating on me the entire tour. Well, we fought. Big time. Like, really bad. We - "

"He didn't push you did he?" He gasped. 

I stared at him like he was fucking stupid, "No! God, Pete wouldn't hurt me like that! Anyways - I broke up with him, telling him I hated him and all that shit. I was bawling. I couldn't handle it. I loved Pete."

I couldn't continue. The tears were now streaming down my face completely. It hurt so badly remembering how it felt to just...shut down completely.

Alex rushed to my side of the table and wrapped his arms around me, comforting me. "It's alright, Rae. You don't have to tell me anymore," He whispered, rubbing my back. 

"No, no, you deserve to know..." I sniffled, pulling away from him a bit. People were staring at us. This was awkward. "So, after shutting down emotionally, I ran off the bus, still crying. I ended up falling down the stairs. I lost Josh later in the hospital. They couldn't save him..."

"Rachel, oh my God, I had no fucking idea. I'm so sorry," He said softly, his voice cracking a bit. I looked up at him. He had tears in his eyes. 

"Let's get out of here, people are staring," I laughed lightly, wiping the tears out of my eyes. 

He chuckled and wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve. We grabbed our stuff and left in complete silence. 

Silence for Josh.