We Change, We Wait

“John, you’ve said sorry before. I get it. But I don’t think he could ever forgive you, I mean I could try, but him, it’s hard to tell” she sighed, whilst fiddling with the ring on her finger.

“Are you still with Kenny?” I blurted out, biting my lip in nervousness.

She nodded her head “Yeah, we got married a couple of years after you left” she smiled. “He’s at work at the moment, god knows how he’s going to react when he sees you here, John” she added.

Whatever was left of my heart, shattered along with any hope of getting my family back.

“You know, I always thought you would end up with Kenny” I attempted to laugh to make the mood a little better, leaning back into the couch, bending my right leg and placing on top of the left, I could meet Chris’ eyes, so settled with the design on the coffee table.

“How did you figure that one out?” she asked softly.

“He was your best friend, Chris. It was obvious it was going to happen eventually” I sighed. “You both deserve each other” I added forcing the words from my mouth.

Chris got up and sat down in the space beside me, turning her body in an angle in which she could see me properly.

“You know John, that little boy is not so little anymore, he looks like you more and more everyday, he’s into his music, plays guitar, sings, writes. He’s you, John. Since that day you left, he always thought you were going to come back for him, always saying that he knew you wouldn’t forget about him. John you broke his heart, leaving that day you completely destroyed everything you had. You don’t need to explain to me, but to him” she spoke confidentially, pointing up stairs. “ Go and get you’re son back, John” she added with a smile.

I smiled softly at her, before getting up from the couch and heading up the stairs to right all the wrongs in my son and I lives. I guess the door, on the far left was his, covered in posters and signs. He’s defiantly my kid, I smiled to myself. I knocked softly two times, before hearing a muffled come in. I opened the door, to find John sat on his bed, guitar in his lap and notebook in front of him. He looked up, with hurtful eyes.

“What do you want?” he sneered.

“To explain, if you’ll let me?” I replied softly.

He took a while to think about it, until he nodded his head.

“Go ahead”

I looked around the room, before sitting down in his computer chair, facing where he was sat.

“I’m just going to cut to the chase, seeing as you’re older now. John I want you to know, I never left to make either of you suffer, I left because it was best for everyone. I could never be the father you needed, nor could I be the husband for you mother. We were in love, yes, but the truth it, we were completely wrong for each other, and it started to affect us both. I knew if I stayed around, it would have caused problems for you, I didn’t want that. I wanted you to have the best life going for you, which I can tell has. Leaving you on Christmas, pretty much destroyed me too, I started drinking, doing drugs, I completely messed myself up because of the guilt I was in, the guilt of leave you and your mother. I checked into rehab, gradually getting better, but not fully. There was one thing missing, do you know what that was?..” he shook his head, tears stinging at his eyes “ you and your mother. You were both what completed me in so many ways, letting you go was the stupidest thing I had ever done in my life. Looking at you John, I see myself in you. Just don’t make the same mistakes as I, do your old man a favour and treat everything in your life right.” I breathed heavily, my voice beginning to crack.

Soft sobs escaped from John, I moved and sat beside him pulling him to a hug, which he accepted and hugged back, tightly. A smile formed on my lips, knowing maybe that there was some chance we could actually be okay with each other.

“You know dad, I never ever had a day go by that I didn’t think about you. You’re my pa, and we all make mistakes, I hope you understand that it can’t go back to normal straight away, but it would mean a lot if we could hang out sometimes, do the things that we didn’t before. What we both missed out on. I mean Kennedy tried his hardest to fill your place, but it just didn’t seem right, I just wanted you” he spoke truthfully, rubbing the tears from his eyes.

“Can I borrow your guitar for a second, I wrote something that I want you to hear”

He nodded, a smiled on his face as he passed me his acoustic. I tuned it as best as I could before beginning to play…

She'll let it slide
All the things that I
Have running through my mind
Will all be gone in time
Remember son
All the things you've done
And all the things you lost
And all the things you won

We're just trying to find some color in this
black and white world

Tell me everything(will be alright)
Walk this way with me(into the light)
If you can let it slide
Baby just for the night
Just know that everyone feels broken sometimes

Should have taken time
Things will be just fine
To bite the hand that feeds
Coz nothings ever mine
And just wait your turn
And always try to learn
To love the ones that don't show love in return

We're just trying to find some color in this
black and white world

Tell me everything(will be alright)
Walk this way with me(into the light)
If you can let it slide
Baby just for the night
Just know that everyone feels broken sometimes

When you walking backwards
Don't be afraid to close your eyes
Coz the truth is darling
That everything will be alright (alright)

Tell me everything(tell me everything)
Walk this way with me(Just tell me anything)
If you can let it slide
Baby just for the night
Just know that everyone feels broken sometimes (2x)

Oh yeah, everyone feels weak sometimes
Yeah we all feel fucked up sometimes

Once I had finished the song, I was not only being watched by John, but also Chris who was stood in the doorway, with that smile of hers plastered on her face.

“I wrote this for both of you shortly after I left, lyrics are much easier to use to put a message across” I smiled.