Make Amends

Logan rolled over and smiled at the boy lying next to her. He was on his back, shirtless. His mouth was slightly open and he was emitting a light snore. She slept better with Kennedy in her bed, but the second she awoke her head began hurting and she felt nauseas.

“Hi, baby,” Kennedy greeted her.

“Hey,” she smiled, kissing his cheek.

“Your breath smells so bad,” he laughed, scrunching up his nose.

She giggled, blushing, “Sorry.”

Logan stood up carefully and once the room stopped spinning she made her way to the bathroom and brushed her teeth. Kennedy walked past her and started the shower. He undressed and climbed in.

“Would you like to join me?”

She laughed as she put her toothbrush away, “I wish.”

“I know,” he sighed, “I mean… it’s got to be so hard for you to resist this body.”

She shook her head, “It’s the biggest struggle of my life.”

“Seriously, just come shower with me,” he said, his head still peeking out from behind the curtain.

“No,” she laughed,

“I promise no funny business,” he said.

She kissed his lips softly and whispered against them, “I can’t.”

Logan walked away from him teasingly, shutting the door behind her. She walked out into the kitchen and started making breakfast. Garrett strolled out of his room in boxers and a tee, his hair a mess.

“Are you making enough for Amy?”

“Yes, dear,” she laughed.

“Did you and Kennedy do the dirty last night?

She rolled her eyes, “We’re not allowed. Doctor’s orders.”

“I heard moaning coming in there from last night?” he questioned.

Logan shrugged, turning her back on him to hide her face. She didn’t want to tell him that she was having nightmares every night, dreams of her death, getting sick, waking up in stressful sweats.

Kennedy woke her up every time her movements and groans woke him up. He held her tight and for the first few nights his arms around her kept the dreams away, but it wasn’t working so well anymore.

After they ate, Kennedy took Logan back to the hospital. The Maine was leaving in two hours on a flight to Texas to scout locations for a music video. They were going to be gone for two days.

They sat in one of the rooms in the cancer unit, just a few doors down from Mr. Brock’s office.

Penny walked in with a smile on her wrinkled cheeks and it was then that Logan really noticed the older woman. Her pale eyes held so many years and it showed in the lines on her forehead. Her lips, when not in a smile and only sitting naturally, were turned downwards.

How could this woman endure so much heartache? She worked exclusively in the cancer unit of this research hospital, where the patients stayed a long time. Where she became attached to the patients and their families, and where those patients most often died.

Logan admired her courage and wished for her strength.

“Hey there kid,” she said, looking up from the clip board in her hands. “How was the vacation?”

“Much needed,” Logan replied.

“Well hopefully we can make it a more permanent sabbatical,” Penny said. “I’m going to take your vitals and such. And then I’ll take some blood. It’ll be processed in a few days.”

“Okie doke,” Logan shrugged as Penny wrapped the blood pressure band around her arm.

Penny did everything she needed and just as she finished Dr. Brock entered. His emotions were unmoving as he read over Penny’s most recent comments. “Well, blood pressure is a little high but not worth keeping you over.”

Logan looked into the eyes of the older man. He was in good shape and Kennedy used to tell her the reason was that he ran five miles every morning before work. Rain or shine, he always made that run. And now Logan knew that it was probably the only time he could clear his head.

His eyes matched Kennedy’s, except they were a darker green. His face was stern and she assumed he had always been that way. She wondered what he must have been like as a teenager, and what made him so detached. He was so smart and distinguished, a true scholar and world renowned for his work in cancer research.

But Logan knew his weakness, and he was sitting right next to her. His only child was his pride, even though he didn’t show it. Logan wished that somehow she could give Kennedy that chance to be proud of a son, or that she could even give Dr. Brock a grandson.

She would never stop owing him, even in death.

Finally he looked up at her, “How do you feel?”

“Fine,” Logan said simply.

“Scale of 1 to 10?”

She pursed her lips, “Solid six.”

He put the back of his hand against her cheek, his cold hand making her flushed face feel wonderful. “No fever. When was the last time you threw up?”

“This morning,” Logan told him honestly.

“That’s good. It means your body is cleansing,” Penny said once she realized Dr. Brock would not.

Kennedy squeezed her knee and sent her an encouraging smile.

“Okay,” Kennedy’s dad said, shoving his hands into his trouser pockets and taking off his reading glasses. “Your blood test will be back in three days so we’ll see how it goes.”

“So I get to go home?”

“Unless you want to stay here and hang out with me, but that’s up to you,” he said.

She smiled and then kissed the top of Kennedy’s head, “I think I’m good.”

“Can I speak to Logan alone?” Dr. Brock asked, not like anyone really had a choice. Once they were alone he sat down next to her on the bed and she turned, curling her feet underneath her.

He leaned back on his palms and Logan realized she had never seen him look so relaxed, or perplexed.

“What’s up?” she asked, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

“You know what those blood tests are going to say, don’t you?”

Logan took in a deep breath, “I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me I’m dying.”

“Your friends do, though,” he said.

“I’m just trying to enjoy it. Is that so wrong?” she asked.

“Not at all,” he said with a wave of his hand, “In fact, it’s perfect. I really look up to you for that.”

“Well, thanks,” Logan said, unsure.

“I’m going to take care of you, Logan,” he told her earnestly. “I don’t want to see Kennedy in that pain again.”

Tears were in her eyes, “Thank you.”

She fell into him, wrapping her arms around him like a little girl does her father. He kept his arms wide opened, shocked by the sudden movement, before he returned the embrace and patted her back slowly.

“Thank you,” she said again before she pulled away.

He nodded his head and then tilted his head towards the door, “Go enjoy the next three days.”

The phrase sounded ominous and scared her half to death. Three days. Two of which she would spend without Kennedy. That would probably be all she had until she was once again stuck in the hospital fighting for her life, a fight that not even she believed she would win.

And what made it worse were all the people in her life that believed she would. But maybe false hope was best. That way they could justify it when she died; at least they never gave up, they would say. At least she never did.

“I think you’re going to get through this,” Kennedy said with a simple smile as they drove along.

“Why?” she asked bluntly.

He shrugged, “Just a gut feeling.”

“Kennedy…” she said cautiously, her voice already catching in her throat. “If I don’t-”

“Stop,” he said slowly, dragging out the first letter of the word. “Just don’t say anything.”

She nodded her head and when they came to a red light he kissed her cheek lovingly, “I love you.”

“I love you more,” Logan replied, bringing a smile to his lips.

But that smile didn’t complete her the way she hoped, not like the way it used to. And that’s when she knew she was entering one of her moods where not even the person that lifted her the highest could rescue her. She said a silent prayer that it would go away quickly.

Kennedy stopped the car and Logan looked up, “Why are we here?”

“You just seemed like you were in the kind of mood where you wanted to see Eric,” he said.

Logan smiled at him, “I love you so much.”

He smiled too as he climbed out of the car and wrapped her in a hug, “I’ll see you when we get back, okay. Call me if anything happens.”

“I will, baby,” she kissed his lips sweetly, “Have fun.”

“I’ll try,” he said before hugging her once more and then getting in his car.

Logan knocked on Eric’s door and he answered. “Hey ugly!” he greeted, picking her up off the ground in a full hug.

He set her down but she kept her fingers latched to the back of his shirt. He wrapped his arms around her again with a chuckle, “Rough day?”

She noticed she was crying into his shoulder, “I just really wanted a hug.”

He laughed and when she finally allowed him to pull away he tussled her thin hair. “What’s up, buttercup?”

They sat down on the couch, “Can I be honest with you?”

“Always,” he shrugged.

“It’s going to hurt,” she said but quickly continued so he wouldn’t object. “I’m going back to the hospital in three days.”

“So? That doesn’t mean anything,” he shrugged.

“I’m dying, Eric. It’s more real than ever,” she said.

“What? But you’ve been doing so much better,” he protested.

“That’s because I’m not going through chemo. It doesn’t mean the cancer isn’t spreading and with nothing to stop it that’s more than probable,” Logan said.

He stayed silent for a while. His arm was stretched across the back of the couch while he stared in front of him. Logan was playing with the hem on her shorts.

“Well,” he finally spoke, “What are we going to do with the next three days?”

Her lips spread into a smile. She interlaced her fingers with the hand that was stretched across the couch, and used it as leverage to lay down, resting her head in his lap. “I can’t tell Kennedy. And I know I shouldn’t lie to him but I just can’t bring myself to it.”

“That’s okay, Lo,” he comforted.

They lay there for a while in silence before Logan spoke up. “Let’s go outside.”

They went outside and walked to the park apart of Eric’s community. They got on the swing set and swayed back and forth.

“Won’t this make you dizzy?” he asked.

She stayed silent, her thoughts consuming her. The sun was blasting her exposed skin and she felt horrible. Her breakfast threatened to make an appearance every time a breeze rolled through. She dragged her feet along the ground and came to a halting stop. She could vaguely hear Halvo calling to her.

And that’s when she realized that she couldn’t enjoy the next three days. Not with the way she felt, not with the impending gloom she would soon suffer.

She pressed her weight on her tip toes and walked backwards with the swing still around her. “Remember when we were little and we used to make it a competition to see who could jump the farthest from the swing?”

“And I always beat you? Yeah,” he replied.

She took in a gulp of air, “Let’s do it.”

“That can’t be good for you, Logan,” Halvo said.

“I don’t want to wait three days to start dying, Eric,” she cried. “Do you know how insane that sounds?”

“So what you’re just going to put yourself in the hospital voluntarily?” he asked.

She lifted up her feet and began swinging, “Yes.”

He stood up and grabbed the chains of her swing, “No, Logan. I have three days with you. Three. I’m not losing you.”

“I’m lost, Eric. I’ve lost myself to this disease and the last thing I am going to let it do is take the way it kills me, too. Let me do this,” she begged, crying. “Please.”

He was crying now. He dropped his hands from the chains and pulled her head against his torso. Her tears left marks on his shirt and once he pulled away she put his hands on the side of her face.

“Always one for the dramatics, huh?” he laughed, wiping away her tears with his thumbs.

“Just trying to go out in style,” she smiled.

He kissed her forehead, lingering there for a while. “I’ll catch you.”

She nodded her head and once he was a good distance away she began swinging. With every sway forwards the world around her became blurred. She could no longer hear the sounds of the children playing nearby. She couldn’t make out any distinctions in the scenery.

Higher.

The wind on her face blew her sparse hair back. Tears streamed down her face. Nothing mattered now except her happiness, and this was about as close as she was going to get.

Faster.

She wouldn’t stop until her body made her. Her vision began to be spotted with black; her heartbeat grew loud in her ears. She said one more prayer for all of her family, all of her friends, and even for herself.

And as she swayed backwards for the last time she threw all of her weight forward and jumped beautifully through the air. A smile was on her face as she landed. She rolled on the grass and sprawled out and just as she felt Eric’s arms around her limp body, she drifted off into some kind of deep sleep, a smile still on her face.