What If The Only Way Out Is To Die?

Ten months later…

It’s winter here. Although I wouldn’t call it a winter, average temperature stays near 59 degrees and there’s no point in even dreaming about snow. At least I don’t have to feel cold.

I can’t believe I’ve stayed here, with aunt Esther and her family, for ten months already. I’m still keeping to myself as much as I can, I don’t want to get close to anyone new. And since now, I’ve managed to keep to myself pretty good. Of course if you leave out Nickolas, my aunt’s twenty year old son. He just can’t leave me alone, no matter how mean I am towards him. Couple of months ago I gave up and I can say we have become good friends. He’s always trying to drag me out with him, to meet his friends, but I find an excuse every possible time.

I am satisfied being alone here. At least I don’t have to worry about someone using me or hurting me. Or that I would hurt someone.

I decided to stay here to the end of my school. I don’t want to switch schools again in the middle of studies. I’m gonna graduate Sunny Beach High School and then I will decide what to do with my life. I have to admit that going back to Creinston doesn’t feel so tempting anymore.

Aunt Esther was happy I decided to stay. Of course I have to do my share of house work and cooking but it’s a small price for a nice place to stay.

“Okay class, leave your homework at my desk and starting tomorrow I will accept those essays,” a teacher says tiredly, standing at the front of the class. Everyone bustles up and almost run out of the classroom, leaving their papers at teacher’s desk. Holding mine, I follow others, staying out of the way from those who seem to be in awful hurry.

“Reece! Your homework please,” the teacher says to a boy in front of me, ruining his attempt to sneak out without notice.

“It’s a bit impossible. You see the problem is that on my way to school I was ambushed by a gang of penguins and they ate my homework,” Reece tries to explain, causing few laughs from people who are still in the room.

“And you live in Antarctica now? I already know how lazy you are. Next time think something I can at least try to believe. I want your homework on my desk tomorrow morning,” teacher huffs, frowning at the boy in front of her.

“But what if the penguins attack again?” Reece can’t stop picking.

“Then you better hope they’ll eat you too,” the teacher says, gathering our papers and stuffing them to her bag.

“Hey, Alyssa, wait up,” Reece calls to me when I’m almost at the door. I think I already know what he’s going to say.

“We’re going to hang at the beach with Grant and the gang, you have to come too,” he tells me, jumping from one leg to other.

“Sorry, I can’t today, I have plans already,” I apologize like always. Only exception is that this time I really do have plans.

“Ugh, you always have some plans. Next time I’m just gonna kidnap you and won’t listen any of your excuses,” he mutters, disappointment evident in his voice.

“We’ll see about it next time then. See ya,” I wave goodbye and hurry out of the building.

I have waited this day for so long and I’m not going to let anything ruin my plans. Why today? Because it’s my birthday today. Yep, I’m officially eighteen now. Only Sam and Cindy know about it and I’m planning on leaving it this way. I wanna spend it on my own and I’m planning to buy myself a present I have wanted for years.

I’m standing at the parking lot, two hours later. I left more than half of my hair to the beauty salon. Instead of long dark brown hair, I now have short, black hair that reach barely to my chin. The best part is bright blue stripes, making my new haircut a lot more interesting. When the hairdresser heard that it’s my birthday, she insisted on applying a make up too. She refused to let me leave without it. I had to admit that she’s good. I almost didn’t recognize myself from the mirror when she was finished. Instead of me, there was some mysterious sexy creature looking back at me. This was the first part of my present to myself.

The second part stands proudly next to me. Something I’ve been dreaming more than five years. A black Yamaha R1. I inherited a pretty nice amount of money from my parents and since I’m eighteen now, I finally have an access to it. It came out that my parents had much better income than I imagined. At least what I got was pretty awesome amount. And thanks to this I was able to buy this beauty to myself.

It’s been over a year since I last rode a motorcycle. I’m not even totally sure I can do this. Every weekend my dad and I went riding with dirt bikes and I miss him so much. This is something that will always remind me of him. Motocross was a hobby he love the most. Last time we rode together was only two days before his death. A tear runs down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. I take my new helmet, black with an electric blue tribal on the side. Same symbol is at the back of my new biking jacket too.

Taking a deep breath, I climb on my new vehicle, and turn the ignition on. The motor under me growls lowly and I’m filled with familiar feeling, the need for speed and wind rushing by. All my fears and doubts are gone in an instant. Excitedly I drive out from the parking lot and head to the highway.

Hours later I stop at my aunt’s house. Nick and Ricky are coming out just as I turn off my bikes engine. Seeing me, they both stop at the stairs. Ignoring them, I slide off and stand with my back to them, taking my helmet off. My freshly colored hair wave in the wind and I can hear some approving whistles behind me. My clothing makes it all even worse. All this time I’ve been here, I’ve been wearing baggy clothes, at least two sizes too big and no make up at all, to avoid attention. But today I have black skinny jeans and short jacket. Riding with baggy pants is just not comfortable.

“Who’s that hot chick? Your new girlfriend?” I can hear Ricky’s low voice.

“I have no idea,” Nick says back, dazed. It seems that none of them have recognized me yet. It’s almost sad to disappoint them. I can’t keep a small smirk from curving my lips as I turn around and walk to the door, not saying anything to the boys. Both are looking at me with mouths open. I’m amazed that their tongues are not dripping out already, you know, like in cartoons.

“Alyssa?” Nickolas asks, staring at me unbelievably.

“Hey Nick,” I greet him shortly while opening the front door.

“Damn, girl. You do know that hiding an ass like that with those hideous clothes of yours is a crime?” Ricky shouts at me, just as I close the door at his face. I knew he would gather himself quickly and find something crispy to say to me. It’s been like this from the day Nick introduced us. We are like a cat and a dog, always barking at each other. He’s the one to start most of the time ‘tho. I would peacefully stay in my room but every time he’s over, he will find a way to get on my nerves.

I’m taking my sandwich out of the grill, wearing my most comfortable sweats, when I can hear voices from the hall. It seems like Nick and Ricky are arguing about something. Great, I got to be in peace for almost an hour. Maybe I should go out again, before they manage to ruin my evening.

“Hey, Alyssa,” Nick greets me, walking to the fridge.

“Hey,” I say absentmindedly, concentrating more on finding a clean glass from the cabinet over the sink.

“Where did you get that awesome bike?” he asks, leaning against the counter.

“I bought it.”

“For real?” he looks at me, doubt in his eyes. I only nod my head. Ricky also walks into the kitchen.

“When are you taking me for a ride?” Nick smiles excitedly.

“As soon as you can find a helmet for yourself,” seeing him excited makes me smile a little too.

“What about me?” Ricky pleads, intertwining to our conversation.

“Hmm, let me think. How about never,” I mutter, passing him as far as this small kitchen allows.

“Why not?” he won’t let it be.

“Because I don’t do waste transport,” I say, keeping my voice regular.

“What does waste transport have to do with it?” he can’t get the meaning behind my words. From the corner of my eye, I can see how Nick tries hard to keep from laughing. To him, mine and Ricky’s constant banter is always funny.

“Nick, could you please step off Mr. Half-Baked wires, maybe then he will get what I said,” I smirk, reaching for the can of juice. Nick of course loses all his control and starts laughing. Ricky looks at him with interest and leans against the counter, not turning his eyes from us. It seems to me that there’s a short circuit in Ricky’s brains today, his face looks like a questioning mark, more with every second. A very confused questioning mark.

“I’ll explain it to you later,” Nick says to his friend. He comes next to me, and casts a hungry look inside the fridge again. Secretly, he winks his eye at me, letting me know that I have a chance to get out before Ricky realizes that I just called him garbage. It’s too good chance to give it up, so I fill my glass with juice and grab my sandwich. I can only make two steps.

“Oh, thanks honey! How did you know I was hungry?” Ricky says, taking the plate from my hand and walking out of the kitchen. “By the way, get rid of these hideous clothes. You look like a scarecrow,” he yells from the living room.

Standing in the middle of the kitchen, I close my eyes and turn my face to the ceiling. Taking some deep breaths, I do my best to not explode with anger. I know better than to go after him, it would only end badly for me. I tried it once, but he’s much stronger than me and I ended up on the floor, face down and he was sitting at my back, uncomfortably close. I’d rather not try that again. After calming down a bit, I empty my glass of juice and head to my room, to get my wallet and my helmet. My tolerance for Ricky has reached its limit. Just when I reach the last steps of the stair, I can hear Ricky’s angry voice from the living room.

“What?...Fuck, Alyssa, you’re so gonna pay for this,” he yells and I can’t stop my legs from moving faster.

After changing my clothes again, I try to sneak down the stairs. Passing the living room, I see both of the guys sitting at the couch, watching some game from the TV. Carefully I step away.

“And where are you going?” Ricky ruins my attempt to leave. He has an interested look in his eyes and it seems that his threat from earlier is long forgotten.

“To kill myself,” I mention while starting to move again.

“What?” He’s confused. Probably trying to figure out should he believe me or not. To be honest, I don’t give a damn what he thinks.

“You do know that I hate you?” I ask, stopping again for a moment, looking at him with all the hate I feel inside.

“Yeah. So?” he gives me his usual answer. God, why did I have to even acknowledge him? Sometimes it feels that I really do hate him. I don’t take lightly such feelings like hate, unless someone has given me a good reason for it. Only few have managed it so far. But Ricky hasn’t done anything really bad to me, he just knows how to push my buttons. And he does this every fucking day. My life would be so much easier without him.

Sighing again, I walk to the hall. Maybe a long peaceful ride and a couple of hours by the sea can calm me down enough.