What If The Only Way Out Is To Die?

Tomorrow is February fourth. It’s so hard to believe that it’s already been a year when it feels like it all happened only last month. It’s weird, going back home, although it doesn’t feel like home anymore. These streets are making my skin crawl. I thought I’d be happy to be back here but all I feel is a need to get away again. It seems that Cindy was right when she told it would be good for me to leave this town.

“Where to I turn now?” Nick asks, bringing me out from my thoughts.

“Um, left,” I tell him, changing suddenly our destination. I’m not ready to go home yet.

It’s my parents’ death anniversary tomorrow, I have no idea how I’ll survive it. I’m glad Nick game with me. I can’t say the same about Ricky ‘tho. These two are so inseparable I can’t help but sometimes think they are more than just friends.

“Didn’t you live in an apartment building?” Nick inquires when I tell him to stop in front of a small house in a quiet neighborhood.

“Cindy lives here. Come on,” I jump out of the car and run to the door, not bothering to wait after guys. I can’t wait to see Cin’s surprised face. She doesn’t know I’m here.

After ringing the doorbell, I shift impatiently, waiting for someone to open up. Exactly nineteen seconds later, Cindy appears, supporting a curious look. Recognizing me, it quickly turns to amazement.

“Lyssa,” Cindy whispers almost inaudibly. She closes her eyes and shakes her head.

“Hi, Cin,” I squeal, smiling genuinely after a long time. Gosh how I’ve missed this girl.

“Alyssa? I’m not imagining all this, am I? You’re really here?” she screams, launching herself at me and squeezing the air out of me.

Holding on to each other, we jump excitedly up and down. We can’t continue it for long, there’s a cough sounding behind my back. Unwillingly I let go of Cindy and turn around.

“Cindy, this is my cousin, Nick,” I introduce them and wait ‘til they shake hands.

“And this other guy is his hopelessly in love follower, Ricky,” I smirk. Ricky’s eyes glint with fire but he won’t say anything. I will probably pay later for mocking him like that.

“What are you doing here?” Cindy turns to me again, taking my hand in hers.

“You know why I’m here,” my smile fading a bit but I won’t let it disappear completely. Nothing will ruin my joy of seeing my best friend after all these months.

“Shit. Right, I’m sorry honey,” Cindy hugs me again, before pulling me inside. “Hey, are you guys coming or do you need a written invitation?” she shouts, seeing that they are still standing outside. Nick and Ricky step inside and follow us to Cin’s room.

Next few hours pass quickly and it’s almost midnight already. Unwillingly I leave my friend and we head to mine and Sam’s apartment, to the place that was my home for ten years.

I can’t stop my heart going crazy when we enter the apartment. It was hard for me, living here after my parents died. But now, when I’ve been away for so long, it feels hundred times worse. Everything is exactly like I remember but it’s eerily silent and empty here. There’s no warmness that you usually feel when coming home. Somehow only feeling I have is fear.

Nick drops his bag on the floor and walks to the living room. Looking at his retreating back, my eyes fall on the kitchen door on the other side of the living room. I see my mom, stopping at the doorway, drying her hands on a towel and asking me how my day was. Closing my eyes, I try to shut out the pain inside me. It’s only memories. She’ll never come to greet me and ask how my day went.

Taking a deep breath, I step towards the living room. Looking at the couch, I see another picture from the past, I see my dad, watching some series, so lost in that he even won’t notice me before I go and nudge him. The pain inside me grows so big I can’t take it anymore. I need to get out. With tears in my eyes, I run to the door, slamming into Ricky just before I reach it.

“What’s wrong?” he asks immediately, his voice full of concern.

“I can’t do this. Please let me go,” I force myself past him and run out of the door. Just before I reach the stairs, someone grabs me firmly from my hand.

“Alyssa, stop. I can’t let you run away upset like that,” he pulls me closer. I can feel panic rise inside. I just need to get away.

“Please let go, Ricky. I need to be alone,” I tell him, pulling my hand free. Tears are blurring my sight and I almost stumble down the stairs but I don’t stop, I keep on running. I don’t care where I’m running, I don’t bother to apologize to people I bump in to. I just run until I can’t breathe anymore.

Finally I collapse onto some park bench, pulling my legs up and squeezing myself in to tight ball. Every thought, every picture and memory I’ve rejected in these last months are attacking me at once and I can’t but cry. I’m not able to throw them out of my mind anymore. I miss my parents, I need them. I need my mom, who’d stroke my head and tell me everything will be good.

“Alyssa!” Someone calls my name, his voice distant and muffled, like coming through a cotton ball. I don’t care enough to replay. I just want to sleep.

“Lys? Baby you’re soaked. Come on, I’ll get you home and we’ll warm you up.” This voice still keeps speaking, now sounding a bit clearer. Slowly waking up, I realize it’s raining and my whole body starts to shiver with cold. Someone’s warm hands wipe my face but I still don’t have the strength to open my eyes.

I’m being lift up, in to warm embrace and I recognize the smell that surrounds me. Of course it’s Ricky and judging by the movement, he’s taking me somewhere.

“Where are you taking me?” I mutter. My voice sounds so hoarse half of my words get lost.

“Home. You’re freezing,” he says to my surprise. Wait, home?

“No! I can’t go back there,” I start to struggle weakly. There’s no way I could go back home.

“Okay, calm down. I’m taking you somewhere else then. Somewhere warm,” Ricky tries to soothe me, holding me tightly against his chest. Amazingly it’s enough to my overwhelmed mind, all the panic disappears instantly. Feeling terribly tired, I lean my head against his shoulder, falling back to sleep in seconds.

“Lys? Baby wake up. Alyssa?” Someone shakes my shoulder. I don’t wanna wake up. I’m feeling to cold to be up. And I’m too tired to even open my eyes. Ignoring the sounds around me and the fact that I’m still being moved, I try to fall back to the saving darkness. I almost manage to do this but sudden pain all over my skin wakes me up again, making me growl. I try to push myself away from Ricky but my arms are too weak.

“What is it?” he asks worriedly.

“Hurts,” I mumble, laying my fists on his chest and make another weak try to escape.

“Where?”

“Everywhere”, I whisper, giving up my ineffective attempt to struggle away.

“Is the water too hot?” he asks and does something that makes some of the pain disappear.

“More,” I mutter, realizing that Ricky has dragged me to the shower. I don’t understand why ‘tho.

Water temperature drops even more and instead of hurting me, it feels blissfully warm. I lean my head on Ricky’s shoulder and drift off again, not even realizing that my cheek rests on bare skin.