What If The Only Way Out Is To Die?

I sigh as I stand up. I need to wash my face before Sam gets here. Looking down at myself I see an unfamiliar t-shirt that’s too big for me and I’m also wearing some boys boxers and white sport socks, at least five sizes too big.

“Why am I wearing your clothes?” I turn to Ricky. What am I missing here?

“Because your clothes were soaked and only my bag was still in the car. Nick took your bag up yesterday, remember?” Ricky sits on the bed and leans back on his elbows.

Oh fuck. I can’t remember anything about changing my clothes. That means he must have done it. Which means he saw me naked. Not that I’m embarrassed or anything, but there’s parts on my body that I’d rather keep away from others eyes.

“Don’t worry, Nick is bringing your bag with him,” he tells me, seeing my worried frown. “Can I ask something?”

“What?” I sigh, already guessing where this is going. I can see that interest, burning in his eyes.

“How did you got those scars?” he asks, not turning his gaze from me.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” I turn and flee to the bathroom. Maybe some day I’m ready to talk about it, but not yet.

Half an hour later I emerge from the bathroom wearing only a fluffy white towel around my body. My clothes need a wash and I don’t have anything else to wear here. Without looking at Ricky, I sit on the edge of the bed and stare at the TV that’s on, without really seeing it. I don’t even notice when he gets up and walks away.

Something landing on my head gets me out from my bubble. Pulling it away, I see it’s a hoodie. Holding it up, I look at the boy on the other side of the room. He’s crouching down next to his bag and digs through it. Without acknowledging me, he throws me some shorts and a pair of socks.

“Since when did you become so gracious?” I ask, surprised a bit. I’m still not used to this good side of him. Sam should be here any moment, I could just wait a few more minutes for my own clothes.

“I don’t wanna test your brother’s nerves right now. What do you think how he’d react, finding you in a room, practically half naked, with a guy older than you?” Ricky mutters, slouching back on the bed and keeping his eyes away from me.

I didn’t think about that. To be honest, I really don’t wanna know how Sam would react.

“Thanks,” I skip back to the bathroom and quickly pull on these a bit too big clothes.

Just when my butt touches the bed once again, a firm knock sounds from the door. Ricky jumps up before I can do it and goes to see who it is. Stepping aside, he lets my brother in.

Sam hasn’t changed a bit, he looks exactly like he did all those months ago when I last saw him. He sets the McDonalds bag on the bed and suddenly I’m surrounded by his strong, muscular arms.

“I’m sorry, Lyssa. I didn’t mean to yell at you,” he whispers, holding me tightly against his chest.

I hug him back, feeling like crying again. I haven’t even realised how much I’ve missed him. Finally he pushes me away but keeps his hands on my shoulders.

“Shit! I forgot your bag in the car,” he says after taking in my appearance.

“I can go get it,” Ricky offers, still standing away from us.

“Oh, thanks. White Prius, not far from the entrance,” Sam throws his keys at him.

Of course Ricky successfully catches them before walking quickly out of the room. I guess he felt a bit awkward just standing there.

“Come on, eat, before this horrible thing gets cold,” Sam picks up the food bag and holds it out to me.

I accept it without arguing and sit on the bed. Sam sits next to me as I go through the contents in the bag. I start with the burger, fries can wait til I’m finished with this. That is if I still want them after I’m done with this.

“How long are you staying?” I ask after swallowing down my first bite.

“I need to go back tomorrow,” Sam tells me, watching as I drink my Coke, downing almost half of it at once. All that crying last night must have really dehydrated me.

“I barely got these few days off,” he tries to explain, apologetic tone in his voice.

“You’ve barely been home after I moved to aunt Esther’s, aren’t you?” I half ask, half mention.

Sam keeps staring at the floor in front of him, not saying a word. I can feel sadness radiating from him.

“You know, you could sell the apartment if you want. Apparently I can’t stand being there and you won’t be happy there either. Besides, I think it’s time for you to start your own family with some awesomely crazy woman, and for that you’re gonna need a place to live,” I try to hide the smile, playing on my lips, by leaning my head on his shoulder.

“You really sure about it? But where would you be living when you finish school?” Sam takes my hand. He seems really surprised by my offer.

“Don’t worry about me. I kind of already talked with aunt Esther about staying with her for the summer. She didn’t seem to mind. And I’m planning to go to college in the fall. So I don’t have to worry about where to live for several years ahead,” I try to explain. I don’t want him to feel guilty about leaving me without a place to live. “And to be really honest, I’m not sure I even wanna move back here,” I add more quietly, taking another bite from the burger I already forgot I had.

“Well, I did thought about it but I didn’t wanna hurt you. I was afraid that when I’d bring it up, you would think that I’ve forgotten mom and dad,” Sam sounds strained. This has been harder to him than he lets out.

“I know you haven’t. And I haven’t either. We’ll always love them and w’ll always miss them. And sure, it’s our childhood home, but think about it, even if our parents would still be alive, we would’ve moved out sooner or later and found ourselves our own homes. And without them, that place doesn’t feel like home anymore,” I try to hold back my tears. I can cry later.

“But what will we do with all their things?” Sam sighs heavily, lifting his heavy arm over my shoulders.

“We could have someone pack it all up and store the boxes somewhere. So when we are both finally ready, we could sort through them and decide what to do,” I say, hugging his waist.

"You know how much I love you, right?" Sam asks, pulling me back to his arms again.

"I know Sammy, as I love you," I answer, leaning my forehead against his neck for support. My head already starts to ache, a few more hours and I'm as good as dead.

"I'll better finish eating and take a few pills, then we can go" I mumble, and stretching myself up I attack my unfinished burger. I have no appetite anymore but I know that the next time I'm able to eat again will probably come at least 24 hours from now and my body needs as much nutrients as possible.

"Do you have a relationship with this boy?" Sam asks suddenly, causing me to choke on my lemonade.

"Hell no! Why do you think that?" I ask, after a short coughing fit, looking at my brother with a shocked face.

"I just want to be sure if I can trust him to be in the same room with my baby sister," he looks at me, searching my face for any trace of lies.

"Come on Sam, can’t you trust ME a little now. He’s not my type, we are just friends, nothing more. Besides, Ricky is Niko's best friend, I don’t think he would make a move on me," I explain, not even bothering to hide my laughter. Me and Ricky? That’s just ridiculous.

"Okay," Sam accepts my response. I finish my meal and Sam hands me two white painkillers, throwing the rest of the box on the bedside table.

Ricky comes back with my bag and I quickly change into some warm clothes. The moment I’m ready, all three of us head out of the door and towards the cemetery. Even Niko and Ricky brought some flowers and a candle, to pay their respect. After setting them on the grave, they go back to our car, leaving me and Sam alone. I’ve managed to stay strong ‘til now, but when Sam lays his hand over my shoulders, I break down finally. I miss my parents so bad. It’s all so damn unfair.