It Was Always You

The incessant beeping of the heart monitor is almost enough to drive Jack crazy. It’s a good thing – a really good thing, of course. It just means that Joey is still breathing. Still alive. Still here. But it’s fucking annoying. Jack can’t even try and deny that. But he won’t say it out loud. Alex will just glare at him and tell him he’s selfish or something along those lines. He’s been in a terrible mood this past week or so. He has every right to be, of course, but still.

Joey’s cold, the same one he’s had for the past week and a half, seems to be getting the best of him. The doctor’s said that it would happen – he’d catch something as common as a cold and suddenly his health would just start going downhill and there wouldn’t be anything they could do to stop it. And Jack thinks he’s accepted it. For the most part. When Doctor Bates told him and Alex that it would be best to have him admitted into the hospital, in order to give him the best care they possibly could, he agreed without hesitation. Alex was a bit more…opposed to the idea. But Jack managed to convince him.

When he was further diagnosed at the hospital, they were told that Joey’s cold developed into Rheumatic fever. Jack listened carefully while the doctor spoke about what would happen next – high fevers, joint pain, skin rashes, heart problems. Joey’s immune system, as hard as it’ll try to defend him, just can’t do it anymore.

“Jack?”

Alex’s voice is harsh and shoves Jack out of his thoughts. He snaps his head up, eyes landing on Alex’s form, slumped in one of the uncomfortable chairs next to Joey’s bed. Jack smiles, acknowledging the call of his name.

“I think I’m going to head down to the cafeteria and get a coffee or a soda or something,” Alex says softly this time, pushing himself up and out of the chair that he’s been sitting in for the past twelve hours. “Do you want me to get you something?”

Jack shrugs, stretches his arms out in front of him. He hears his bones pop as he does so and he winces at the sound. “A coffee would be nice, actually.”

Alex nods, “Okay. I’ll be back soon, then. You’ll be okay on your own?”

Looking over at his son, seeing that he’s stirring from his sleep, Jack nods. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Once Alex is gone from the room, Jack sinks back into his chair. That was the first time all day that Alex has spoken to him in a slightly friendly tone. Jack knows it’s just because he’s so stressed and so nervous, but still. It’s put Jack on edge and now that he’s out of the room, he will take the opportunity to relax.

But Joey is still waking up, shifting around in the sheets that are probably terribly uncomfortable. Jack frowns, reaches out and puts his hand on his shoulder in an attempt to let him know that he’s there. He doesn’t want his son waking up in a hospital room not knowing where he is or what’s going on. He wants him to feel safe. As safe as possible.

“Dad?”

Joey’s voice is rough and scratchy – unused. He’s been asleep for the past few hours. He sits up in the hospital bed, rubbing at his eyes and frowning when he sees that Alex’s chair is now empty, unlike the way it was before he fell asleep.

“Where’d Daddy go?”

“He’ll be back soon,” Jack assures him, “He just went to go get some coffee.”

“Okay.” The eight year old remains quiet for a few moments, breathing deeply and trying to wake up completely. Finally, he looks back over at Jack and asks, “Are we a family again?”

Jack’s breath gets caught in his throat. He wasn’t expecting that question, wasn’t expecting anything along those lines. He blinks a few times more than necessary, clears his throat and responds, “What do you mean?”

“You, me and Daddy? Like before we moved to Florida?”

Joey looks so small and fragile in the hospital bed that Jack can’t bring himself to say anything other than, “Of course we are.”

“What about Zack? Is he gonna live with us too?”

“I…well, no. I mean…Do you like Zack?” Jack questions.

Joey nods, leans his head back against his pillow and smiles. “Yeah. He’s fun. He’d be a cool big brother.”

Jack’s heart clenches in his chest. It hurts too much. This is all getting to be too overwhelming. All Joey wants is for him and Alex to be together again. Like they used to be. Like they should still be. To him, Zack is just a friend of Jack’s and he’s doing nothing to interfere with Alex and Jack’s relationship. He wants things to go back to normal – as normal as they can be before he passes away. And Jack realizes, he wants that too. He wants Alex. He wants his husband back.

“Why did you and Daddy stop living together?” Joey asks, interrupting Jack’s thoughts again.

Jack sighs. He can’t ignore the questions. But he can kind of avoid it. “You know that me and Daddy love you, right? We love you so much –”

“And you love each other?”

Joey’s eyes are wide and expectant, staring at his father. Jack feels the tears pricking at his eyes and he puts his head in his hands, sighing deeply. “Yeah, buddy. We love each other. So much. And I’m sorry that we ever let you doubt that.”

-&-

Later that night, Jack is in Joey’s room, digging through piles of clean laundry to find a few pairs of clothes to bring to him in the hospital. There’s a huge weight in his shoulders, he feels. Joey’s never coming home to this house again. He’s going to have to stay in the hospital until his illness gets the best of him. He’ll never sleep in this bed, never walk through the door again. Jack’s succumbed to breaking down into tears quite a few times since he’s come to that realization. But he’s trying to stay strong. He can’t go back to the hospital looking like a wreck. He doesn’t want to look weak in front of Alex and Joey.

But as he’s moving one pile of clothes aside, he knocks over a stack of construction paper, all colored on with crayons and markers and it’s obvious that Joey drew on them not too long ago. He groans and bends down, gathering them all up. One catches his eye, though. It’s a white piece of paper, and at the top it reads ‘Family’ in sloppy purple crayon. Underneath that, there are three stick figures, labeled with names. ‘Dad’. ‘Daddy’. ‘Joey’. Something wet hits the paper, making some of the letters smudge slightly and Jack realizes that he’s crying.

All of the other papers have relatively the same things. Joey’s drawings of their ‘family’. Jack’s fingers crumple them slightly, his grip too tight and he has to sit down on the edge of Joey’s bed. His head is spinning, the room is spinning. His thoughts are a jumbled mess – except for one. One that stands out from the others. One that is so obviously the right choice.

Joey wants them to be a family. He wants his parents to be together like they used to be. And Jack can’t keep lying to himself anymore. He wants it too. He wants to be there for Alex completely, one hundred percent. He’s been keeping it hidden, ignoring it and pretending the desire to be with him again wasn’t there. But he’ll acknowledge it, now. He wants it.