Stay

Lillie did so well at work today; she wasn't jumpy or nervous. I don't think it really had anything to do with me being there. We only lightly chatted throughout the day because I was so absorbed in my sketches. I'd also written a couple of songs, but I'm not ready to show Lillie those yet. I usually only show her completed songs, not the rough, jotted-down-on-the-nearest-scrap-of-paper stuff. I carefully park my car in my tiny space. My only complaint about this building was that the parking spaces were insanely small. If I was still fat like I was in high school, there's no way I could get out of my car.

"So are we going to watch it in your apartment, or mine?" Lillie asks, grabbing my attention.

"Uuuh, hold on," I grunt. I'm trying to squeeze myself out of my car. Lil's lucky she's so tiny, she just slips right out. "Ugh, stupid tiny parking spaces. Okay, um, well I don't really care. I don't really have much food in my place, just some cereal I think."

Lillie laughs and says, "Okay, mine it is then. I think I have popcorn." She seems so happy and relaxed, and I can't help but wonder if today is just a fluke, if tomorrow she'll call me when she gets up because she can't decide what to wear and she's crying. I know she's had a couple of flashbacks today. It just seems too good to be true, even though she's been getting a lot better recently. I walk next to her across the parking lot and grab her back off of her shoulder to carry it for her. She smiles at me and my stomach drops. God, I have got to get over this. If I told her how I felt, it would send her to an institution right now.

"What are you thinking about?" she asks me.

"I'm thinking that you had such an awesome day today. I'm proud of you," I say to her, and I hope she buys it.

"I feel pretty awesome," she replies. "So when are you guys going to start recording again?" She's unlocking the door as she asks me this, and gets frustrated with it and kicks the door. Sometimes her key doesn't work easily.

"I think they want us there on May fifteenth, so about three weeks from now. Actually, there's something I wanted to talk to you about," I say. About three weeks ago, our manager, David, called me and told me that Warped Tour wanted us for this summer. He knows about Lillie, so I told him that I absolutely had to put her first right now, and he understood. I did talk to the guys about it, and they said they really wanted to go. We'd had a whole year off, which was really nice, except for what happened to Lillie. It is a great opportunity for us, so Ray suggested we bring Lillie. I was skeptical at first, but after today, and this past week (for the most part, anyway), I think she could do it.

"What's up?" she asks like she would have before anything happened to her. She slips the DVD into her player and plops down on the couch. I walk into the kitchen to find drinks and because I'm afraid of what her reaction is going to be. I know she's going to want us to go, but I'm nervous.

I grab two cokes out of the refrigerator. "So, a few weeks ago, David, our manager, you remember him, right?" She nods, grabbing a coke from my hand. "Well, he called me a few weeks ago. He was calling because...Warped Tour wants us for this summer." I look at her, trying to get her reaction.

"That's-" I cut her off, even though she's trying really hard to sound excited.

"I talked to the guys already, and Ray suggested that we bring you with us. I know it would be okay, and all the guys want you to go, and so do I." My words come out more rushed than I originally intended. I sound like a ten year old kid trying to convince his mom to buy him something. Her mouth drops into an "O" and she just blinks at me. "If you came with us, you wouldn't have to be here by yourself and we could find something for you to do. You could sell merch for us or something. What do you say, Lil?" I carefully place my hand over hers - I don't want to startle her, and I don't want her to know that I'll probably cry about it later if she doesn't go. Maybe not.

"I...I don't know, Gerard, that's so awesome for you guys. I don't want you to have to take care of me while you're being a rock star," she says, pressing the play button so the movie will start.

"You know I'm gonna worry about you way more if you don't go," I tell her, and it's the truth. I would do nothing but worry about her the whole time.

"Wow...Um...Yeah, I guess, I'll...go." She smiles. "It will be fun right? Late night Guitar Hero battles on the bus?"

"Yeah! And just hanging out, and you'll get to see some of the other bands that you used to like," I tell her. I want to hug her so badly. She leans into the back of the couch and pulls her feet up to her chest, eyes fixing to the TV screen. I follow suit and get comfortable.

About halfway through the movie, Lil leans over and puts her head in my lap. I wait for her to get comfortable and then I start gently pulling my fingers through her long dark hair. It's extremely long now, she hasn't cut it since before that night. Before too long, I hear soft snores coming from her. I stay perfectly still - I don't want to wake her up and I want to finish the movie. It's lame, but it is one of my favorites. At one point, Lil rolls over and her face is somewhat in my crotch and stomach. It's slightly uncomfortable for me - I am a guy and I am in love with her. She mumbles a little bit, and I get a little nervous. I don't want her to have another nightmare. Ever.

"Gerd...mmff," I hear. I look down at her, but she's still asleep. As soon as the movie ends, I slide out from under her head and pick her up. I take her into her bedroom and put her on her bed. When I turn to go turn the TV off and leave, she says, "Will you stay tonight?"

I look back at her, "Are you afraid?" She shakes her head "no."

"No, I just want you to stay tonight, please?" she asks.

"Okay, let me just go turn everything off out there and lock up," I say. My stomach is doing somersaults and I want to do a victory dance. I feel that way every time she asks me to stay, even when she does admit to being scared. After the day she's had today though, maybe she isn't scared. I quickly turn everything off and lock the door. When I get back into her bedroom, she's changed into a tank top and shorts. She looks so tiny, so skinny. She reminds me so much of the first day we met. She pats the spot on the bed right next to her as I take my jeans off. It feels like high school again. Our mothers didn't mind us spending the night together because we'd known each other for so long and we were so close.

"You had such a great day today, Lil," I tell her as I lie down.

"Thanks, Gerard." She smiles at me and rolls over. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." I can't help wishing that she would start calling me "Gee" again...