These Butterflies

“What?” The question escapes my lips before I can process what’s going on.

“I couldn’t do it anymore.” The tremble in his voice only becomes more evident. “I couldn’t watch you hurting anymore.”

“But you said she means the worlds to you.” I say, confused.

“It’s simple, Lani.” Tears in his eyes make his eyes glisten against the light from the lamp on the bed stand a few feet away. “You mean so much more than the world to me. I’d do anything for you.”

He quickly approaches me, and presses his lips to mine. I don’t know what to think but I can’t resist moving my lips with his. I instinctively wrap my arms around his neck. I get dizzy from the lack of air but refuse to pull away. I don’t want this to end. He’s the one that eventually separates from me. He presses his forehead against mine and takes a moment to gasp for air. That one moment without the taste of his lips gives me a chance to think rationally. He’s about return to my mouth but I turn away and he accidently kisses the end of my jawbone instead.

“What’s wrong?” he asks breathlessly, moving his forehead back to mine.

“Don’t do this because you feel sorry for me,” I say nervously. The last thing I want is for him to do this out of guilt.

“That’s not what this is,” he says. “I was making everything so complicated. Seeing you cry tonight was too much. I could see the sadness in your eyes. I couldn’t take it anymore, knowing that I was the reason you were in so much pain.”

“But I’m just a mess right now,” I begin to explain. “I’ve kept this a secret for so long. I don’t want you to give up your happiness just because of this.”

My gaze falls but he puts his hands on both sides of my face and makes me look at him. “I could never be happy watching you be miserable, Lani. You’re my everything.”

“You’re upset,” I tell him. “You… love Melissa.” I take in a deep breath. I’m almost trying to convince myself of what I’m saying and I force the next words through my teeth, “You want to be with her.” He’s offering me everything I’ve ever wanted and I’m pushing him away. I’m trying to convince him that everything I’ve been dying for him to get away from is what he needs. I may be selfish, but I can’t get myself to take away what he and I both know is right for him. “I can do it,” I tell him. “It’s hard, but I can survive watching you be with someone else.”

He shakes his head. “Everything is so messed up,” he says, sadness filling his eyes again. “You may be strong enough but I’m not. I can’t put you through this anymore. I know it’s hurting you, but it’s killing me.”

“You’re not in love with me,” I remind him. “I can’t make you feel what Kate or Melissa can make you feel.”

He looks into my eyes. “You don’t have to. The kiss you gave me in the cabin wasn’t like anything I’ve ever experienced before. You have so much more to offer. I only pushed you away because I was scared.”

“Scared of what?”

He takes a few moments. “I was scared because… because nothing has ever felt so right.”

“You told me you weren’t in love with me. If you really felt this way, why would you tell me that?”

“Because I’m stupid and I’m too afraid to admit my own feelings. I feel nothing but love for you and I don’t know what to do about it anymore. I just want to make up for all the times I pushed you away.”

I gulp. Even though it’s a big risk, I decide to challenge him one last time. I want to believe he’s not just doing this for me and that he wants me like I want him. I need to hear him say it. “But I’m your sister. We have the same flesh and blood.”

My words make him nervous, and that scares me. I shouldn’t have said anything. That was so stupid of me. “I don’t care. I love you,” he says suddenly. I stare at him in amazement and I forget how to speak, but that doesn’t matter because he doesn’t give me a chance to respond.

He leans in again and kisses me on the lips as he pushes me on my back onto my bed. He remains on top of me. Soft, sweet pecks trail down my jaw. It almost feels innocent. He moves his lips down to my neck and sucks lightly, causing the rhythm of my breaths to become unsteady. I run my hands up his toned back and hook my arms around his shoulders, sliding my fingers into his hair. When he goes back to kissing me on the lips, his tongue explores the inside of my mouth. With every minute that passes, his mouth presses harder against mine, like he wants more. He uses one hand to swiftly unbutton his shirt while the other supports his weight so it’s not all on me. He continues to undress himself and aids me as I begin to do the same. When he unzips my jeans, that’s when I realize how nervous I am. He doesn’t seem to notice as he kicks the pair off the bed.

He presses his body back to mine and groans softly as something hard pushes against my thigh. My breath gets caught in my throat. His hands are on my waist and slowly slide lower. Then I realize something. I’m not nervous, I’m scared. He’s done this before, but I haven’t. I'm not ready. I almost want to ask him to slow down, maybe even to stop completely, but I’m afraid he’ll just change his mind and I’ll never get this chance again.

Before I know it, we’re both undressed. I’m not sure how it got to this point. He cradles the back of my head with his hand but hesitates to continue. He lets out a shaky breath, trying to gain control of his actions. He eventually stops kissing me and presses his forehead to mine, scanning my eyes with the kind, brown pair of his own.

I start thinking. How did we both get here? We’re both so miserable right now, and it’s my fault. That doesn’t seem to concern Alex though. He just wants me to be okay. Our hearts are so connected and all we want is to make the other happy. Our bond is so wonderfully overwhelming that we feel so secure around one another. I’ve never felt so close to anyone. I realize I shouldn’t be scared. It’s Alex. I love him and he loves me. My body aches for more of him, and I want to show him that I’m willing to give him my body and soul because he’s worth it. I put my hands behind his head and pull him into a kiss letting him know that it’s okay. He responds almost immediately. And I’m thankful my first time was with him because for a night, I was a part of him and he was a part of me.