These Butterflies

Alex doesn’t know Connor walked me home last night.

I ignored him when he asked why I wasn’t answering my phone and why I got home so late. I said I was tired, and then I went upstairs to my room. And while he thought I was sleeping, I was crying some more.

I did eventually find sleep, but woke up soon afterwards. I haven’t fallen unconscious since. I continue to stare at the ceiling until the alarm clock on my bedside table goes off. My mother comes into my bedroom a few minutes later. She knocks on the open door and says, “Family breakfast in twenty minutes.”

“Okay,” I say and she closes the door. I let out a heavy sigh before getting dressed and heading downstairs.

When I sit, I begin looking down at nothing in particular and all of the voices surrounding me all sound the same. He’s sitting right across from me, and I’m doing everything I can to avoid eye contact. I don’t even look up until I feel his feet tap mine. When I see his face, his eyes widen slightly in awareness and it’s as if they’re asking me what’s on my mind. My mother says my name before I get a chance to ignore his concerns once again.

“Yes Mom?”

“What do you think?”

I look at Alex, hoping that he’ll give me a hint like he always does. But his face is blank. I look back. “…About what?”

She notices I wasn’t paying attention, but that’s never unusual with Alex or I and it doesn’t seem to bother her. “About going camping this weekend as a family. Your father is going to be free for a few days.”

“Oh… that sounds great,” I say. At first I feel indifferent to the situation. But the more I think about it, the better it sounds to me. Going would give me some time and an excuse to seclude myself and clear my thoughts. Alex spends most of his time with Dad at the lake, so it’s not like I’m going to be forced to lie to him about my feelings. And even if we do stumble into each other’s paths, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe it can finally just be him and me. Melissa wouldn’t be there either, and that is what makes the idea the most alluring. I find myself becoming very satisfied with our current plans. Until Alex decides to add something.

“Would it be alright if I invite Melissa?”

“She’s not family,” I respond too quickly and his eyes snap towards me. I promised myself I wouldn’t speak to him unless it was unavoidable, but I couldn’t keep quiet. Even though I tell myself it’s better not to talk to Alex, I know that deep inside, I’m craving to hear what he has to say. I hate not speaking with him. With her there, it will ruin everything.

“I know, but I think it would be great if she can spend time with our family. I know she loves you guys. And you all like her too, right?”

“Of course. She’s a wonderful girl,” our mother responds.

“Very sweet,” our father adds.

I don’t say a word.

“So can she?”

“I don’t see why not,” my dad says.

But I do. I can think of a million reasons why she shouldn’t go.