The Trouble of Taboo

I hesitated, my hand on the handle of his door, I’d never even considered skipping class before but right now it seemed the right thing to do. I turned around to leave and bumped straight into someone. I looked up and realised I’d just collided with the one person I wanted to get far away from.
“Where are you going?” He asked me, his voice harsher than normal, but his eyes shining with confusion. I looked away from his eyes but instead was drawn to his lips and how soft they had been upon mine; I felt my eyes starting to moisten.
“Um, I uh, need to go... somewhere.” I told him, all excuses flying from mind as I hastily try to think of something to say, but nothing came to me. I sighed and leant against the door.
“You need to turn around and go into the classroom, truanting is not something I expected of you Paige.” Great, now he was disappointed in me, I shook my head.
“I don’t, I just needed to, um get away.” I finished sighing again, he pushed open the door behind me and moved his body closer to mine so I was forced to move inside the classroom just to get away from an uncomfortable situation. I move in and go and sit in my seat, looking around wondering why no one else was here. I looked up at the clock, it was still break time, and I had ten minutes of being here alone with him. “Can I go finish my break please?” I asked him, my voice stony, as I try to remove all emotion from it.
“No, you cannot.” He replied simply, I looked up at him. He’s sitting at his desk not looking at me.
“Why not? You can’t keep me here!” I said my voice rose slightly and wavered because of it, I couldn’t stay in the room with just him for ten whole minutes, I’d go mental.
“If I have reason to doubt you’ll come back to my lesson I can.” He said simply, looking at his laptop screen, which I was pretty sure, was blank, he looked so hot just sat there, tension lines around his eyes making him look pensive and more attractive to me. I got up and walked towards his desk, he closed the lid to his laptop and I smiled despite myself. “Can I help you Paige?” He asked me and I smiled leaning closer to him, I could see him gulping as I leaned in, my face in front of his turned to the side so it didn’t look like I could see him, but I saw his eyes widen and the desire in them as he scanned over my neck.
“No.” I said simply, turning my face to look at him, “I just wanted my book” I continued, picked my book up off his desk and walked away, swaying my hips as I did, knowing he was looking at my retreating figure. I sat down and looked at him smiling slightly. “Are you okay Neil?” I asked him and saw his eyes snap up to mine as I said his name.
Neil’s POV
She was leaning closer to me, I looked over her neck, I wanted nothing more than to put my lips against them and trail kisses down it.
“No.” She told me, her voice washing over me, I felt like I was being hypnotised by everything about her, her voice, her figure her already familiar smell of flowers. “I just wanted my book” She continued and then walked away, I watched her retreating form, not being able to pull my eyes up from her ass as it swayed, I could feel my trousers tightening slightly. “Are you okay Neil?” She asked me, and at the sound of her sweet voice saying my name I looked up into her eyes, the deep blue almost seemed to be swirling as she looked at me, a smile on her face brightening them even more, her whole face seemed to glow.
“I’m... fine.” I told her, trying to keep my voice empty of all the raw emotion I was feeling for her right now. She looked at me, her smile of triumph and teasing softening a bit, her eyes glowing even more. “Are you okay Paige?” I asked her, not noticing that I was standing up and walking towards her until I reached her side, my eyes fixated onto hers and not even thinking. She nodded up at me and I smiled, she looked so innocent and goddess like. I leaned closer in to her and felt a spark as our lips connected, I pulled her up from her seat and closer to me. It felt like she was the air that my lungs needed, she was my drug and I needed her to live. I felt her face soften as she kissed me back, her arms going around my waist. I had never felt so happy, I had her in my arms and that’s all I wanted, but then my fiancés face came into my mind and I pulled back. Paige looked down at the floor, her arms going limp beside her. I put my finger under her chin and lifted her face to look at me, but her eyes wouldn’t meet mine. “Paige?” I said, her eyes finally dragged their way up to mine. I was shocked to see the amount of emotion in her eyes, confusion, desire, sadness.
“Go on.” I heard her whisper, I looked at her confused. “Tell me it was a big mistake and you regret it, and it can’t happen.” Her eyes fell to look at the floor again, tears falling from them freely, I felt my heart shatter, I was doing this to her.
“It wasn’t a mistake and I don’t regret it, but I...” She looked up at me, waiting expectantly. I wiped the tears away from her face. “I have a fiancé.” I told her as my heart shattered. Her eyes gave away her pain as I muttered the last few words. She moved away from me, her arms snaking around herself. I held back my tears, hiding my emotions away from her. She stood there looking at me, pain and disgust in her eyes, I moved forward to hold her in my arms, but she moved away. She grabbed her bag and ran out of the classroom. I was about to go after her, but the bell went and students started to file in. I saw Ali look around the room for Paige and then looked at me confused, I shrugged pretending I didn’t know anything and moved on to teach the class, my mind worrying about Paige, but all I could do was mark her as attending the class.
Paige’s POV
I ran, I bolted from the classroom, and made it to the toilets just as the bell went, just before anyone could see me or the tears streaming down my face. How could he kiss me, when he has a fiancé! He’s as bad as my father! I hissed, thinking about him made me think about my bruises and just how much pain running away had caused. I locked myself in a toilet stall, put the lid down and sat on it. I needed an escape, a way out, and there was only one way I could think of to do that. I reached into the front pocket of my bag and found a small case. I pulled it out and opened it, inside was my most treasured collection, my blades, all sorts of blades, ones taken off of pocket knives, ones taken from razors, all sorts of blades to keep me in control of something.
I gently stroked the blades and picked out my favourite blade, it was from a small pocket knife that had had a skeleton in a coffin on it; the blade was the sharpest one I had, and the smallest, it had been my first blade. It was a pocket knife that I had stolen from my father when I was younger, intrigued by the design and wanting it close in case he tried something, but then I was always too scared to use it on him. I played with it within my fingers, being careful, I couldn’t make a mistake and give away what I did to give myself some control over my life. I sighed, I felt calmer already but I needed to feel it, the pleasure, the control of it, I moved the blade towards my left wrist and pressed it into the skin dragging it along the skin, watching as the blood started spilling out of it. I did it again and again, until I felt that the stream of blood was going steady. I put my blade away, back into the case and closed it, putting the case back into my bag. I looked at the blood streaming out and smiled, it felt so good, it was something I had done and something I had control over.
After a few minutes I decided I could go back to my lesson now, and not be to upset or bad. I grabbed some tissue and wiped away the blood, moving out of the stall to wash it with water until the blood had stopped running. I pulled a bandage out of my bag and wrapped it around my wrist, pulling my sleeve over it and grabbing my bag. I flushed away all the evidence and left the toilets, heading back to Neil’s room.
I paused outside the door, made sure my sleeves were pulled down over my wrists and pushed the door open. “Sorry, Mr P. I was feeling a bit sick.” I told him, not once looking at him as I walked into the classroom and took my seat by Ali, smiling as she looked at me confused. I could feel Neil staring at me, trying to figure out how I had gone from storming out of his classroom to coming back in smiling and cheerful.
“That’s fine Paige.” I heard him whisper as I pulled out my book and opened it to a new page, copying down what I had missed and then turned to him waiting for him to continue with the lesson.
“Mr P?” One of the snobby girls near the front asked, getting his attention. I felt my stomach turn at someone else calling him Mr P, that was my name for him in school, he was mine not hers. I stared daggers into the back of her head, as she looked up at Mr P, flicking her hair and leaning forward. I looked down at my desk, wanting to really throw up. Maybe coming back had been a bad idea, but no I needed to learn, I’d be in real trouble if I started failing my lessons.
“Yes anyway...” I heard Neil say and then continued on with the lesson, I tried to pay attention I really did, I was automatically copying the notes from the board down, but everything he said went in one ear and out of the other as I tried not to think about him kissing me, about him pulling me close and wiping away my tears. I shook my head trying to get rid of the thoughts and looked back at Neil to try and show I was interested in what he was saying, but as I looked up at him and caught his eyes my mind flashed back to feeling his arms around me, and that’s how the rest of the lesson went on.
The bell went and I packed up quickly trying to be the first one out so there was no risk of me being left alone with him. “Paige. Can you stay behind please?” I heard his voice flow over me, and although I wanted to be angry and hurt at him, his voice still made my heart flutter. I nodded and sat back down sighing internally. I hugged and waved at Ali as she left, letting her know I’d be okay.
Once everyone had left, I heard him move closer to me and my body went rigid with tension, I couldn’t let him kiss me again; he was taken, engaged in fact. “Yes?” I asked him, my voice empty of any emotion.
“Are you okay?” He asked me and I nodded, not trusting my voice to stay steady if I replied verbally. I could feel his gaze on me, and that his hand was about to pull my chin up, but before he could I looked up so he didn’t have to touch me. His hand dropped as I looked up at him, I knew my eyes were giving away everything but I was determined not to react to anything. “I am... sorry.” He said and I smiled up at him.
“It’s okay. We can be friends Mr P.” I told him and he smiled a bit but then frowned as I said his name, “What?” I asked him, the concern I felt for him filling my voice.
“You called me Mr P.” He said, I nodded and smiled wryly.
“Well that is your name,” I told him, and he laughed. My heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest at the sound, his laughter was smooth and the loveliest thing I had ever heard. I wanted to wrap it around me all day.
“You normally call me Neil, when we’re alone.” His voice showing his disappointment, I smiled at him.
“It’s for the best, huni.” I told him and then picked up my stuff. “No worries.” I told him, knowing he was worried about if I was going to be okay. I hugged him briefly, and then walked out of the door. Could we actually just be friends? I had a feeling there was going to be a lot of trips to the bathroom, but hay if it made things more comfortable for Neil, that’s all that mattered to me. He was my life now, I laughed at myself, now I sounded like I should be in a corny Twilight movie or something. I smiled, maybe things wouldn’t be so bad after all.I hesitated, my hand on the handle of his door. I’d never even considered skipping class before but right now it seemed the right thing to do. I turned around to leave and bumped straight into someone. I looked up and realised I’d just collided with the one person I wanted to get far away from.

“Where are you headed?” He asked me, his voice harsher than normal, but his eyes shining with confusion. I looked away from his eyes but instead was drawn to his lips and how soft they had been upon mine; I felt my eyes starting to moisten.

“Um, I uh, need to go... somewhere.” I told him, all excuses flying from mind as I hastily tried to think of something to say, but nothing came to me. I sighed and leant against the door.

“You need to turn around and go into the classroom. Truanting is not something I expected of you Paige.” Great, now he was disappointed in me. I shook my head.

“I don’t, I just needed to, um get away.” I finished sighing again. He pushed open the door behind me and moved his body closer so that I was forced to move inside the classroom just to get away from an uncomfortable situation. I moved in and went and sat in my seat. I looked around wondering why no one else was here. I looked up at the clock, it was still break time and I had ten minutes of being here alone with him. “Can I go finish my break please?” I asked him, my voice stony, as I tried to remove all emotion from it.

“No, you cannot.” He replied simply. I looked up at him. He was sitting at his desk not looking at me.

“Why not? You can’t keep me here!” I said my voice rose slightly and wavered because of it. I couldn’t stay in the room with just him for ten whole minutes; I’d go mental.

“I can if I have reason to doubt that you will come back to my lesson.” He said simply, looking at his laptop screen, which I was pretty sure was blank. He looked so hot just sat there and the tension lines around his eyes were making him look pensive and even more attractive to me. I got up and walked towards his desk, he closed the lid of his laptop and I smiled despite myself. “Can I help you Paige?” He asked me and I smiled leaning closer to him. I could see him gulping as I leaned in, my face in front of his turned to the side so it didn’t look like I could see him, but I saw his eyes widen and the desire in them as he scanned over my neck.

“No.” I said simply, turning my face to look at him, “I just wanted my book,” I continued, picked my book up off his desk and walked away, swaying my hips as I did knowing he was looking at my retreating figure. I sat down and looked at him smiling slightly. “Are you okay Neil?” I asked him and saw his eyes snap up to mine as I said his name.

Neil’s POV

She was leaning closer to me, I looked over her neck, I wanted nothing more than to put my lips against them and trail kisses down it.

“No.” She told me, her voice washed over me. I felt like everything about here hypnotised me: her voice, her figure, her already familiar smell of flowers. “I just wanted my book” She continued and then walked away. I could not help but watch her retreating form. I was not able to pull my eyes up from her derriere as it swayed. I could feel my trousers starting to tighten. “Are you okay Neil?” She questioned and at the sound of her angelic voice speaking my name I looked up into her eyes; the deep blue seemed to be swirling as she looked at me with a smile on her face, which brightened them more so, her whole face seemed to be incandescent.

“I am... fine.” I answered, trying to keep my voice empty of all the raw emotion I was experiencing. She looked at me, her smile of triumph and teasing softened a bit, causing her eyes to glimmer even more. “How are you, Paige?” I asked her, not noticing that I was standing up and walking towards her until I reached her side. My eyes fixated onto hers; I was not even thinking. She nodded up at me and I smiled, she looked so innocent and goddess like. I leaned closer to her and experience a spark as our lips connected. I gently pulled her up from her seat and closer to me. It felt like she was the very air that my lungs needed and without her I would cease to exist. I felt her face soften as she kissed me back, her arms snaking around my waist. I had never felt so euphoric. I had her in my embrace and that was all I wanted. But then my fiancé’s face came into my mind and I retreated. Paige looked down at the floor, her arms going limp beside her. I placed my finger underneath her chin and lifted her face but her eyes refused to engage with mine. “Paige?” I whispered and her eyes slowly dragged their way up to mine. I was astounded to see the amount of emotion in her eyes: confusion, desire and sadness.

“Go on.” I heard her whisper. I looked at her confused. “Tell me it was a big mistake and you regret it, and it can’t happen.” Her eyes dropped to the floor again; tears were falling freely. I felt my heart shatter. I was the cause of this.

“It was not a mistake and I certainly do not regret it, but I...” She looked up at me, waiting expectantly. I wiped the tears away from her face. “I have a fiancé.” I told her as my heart shattered all over again. Her eyes gave away her pain as I muttered the last few words. She retreated and her arms encircled her. I fought off my tears, hiding my emotions from her. She stood there glaring at me with pain and disgust in her eyes. I moved to embrace her, but she retreated. She snatched up her bag and fled the classroom. I was about to follow when the bell went and the students started to file in. I saw Ali scan the room for Paige and looked at me confused. I shrugged pretending I knew nothing and commenced teaching the class. My mind was frantic about Paige but all I could do was mark her as attending.

Paige’s POV

I ran. I bolted from the classroom and made it to the toilets just as the bell went, just before anyone could see me or the tears streaming down my face. How could he kiss me, when he has a fiancé! He’s as bad as my father! I hissed, thinking about him made me think about my bruises and just how much pain running away had caused. I locked myself in a toilet stall, put the lid down and sat on it. I needed an escape, a way out, and there was only one way I could think of. I reached into the front pocket of my bag and found a small case. I pulled it out and opened it. Inside was my most treasured collection: my blades, all sorts of blades; ones taken off pocketknives; ones taken from razors; all sorts of blades to keep me in control.

I gently stroked the blades and picked out my favourite blade. It was from a small pocketknife, which had, had a skeleton in a coffin on it. The blade was the sharpest one I had, and the smallest, it had been my first blade. It was a pocket knife that I had stolen from my father when I was younger, intrigued by the design and wanting it close in case he tried something, but then I was always too scared to use it on him. I played with it within my fingers, being careful; I couldn’t make a mistake and give away what I did to give myself some control over my life. I sighed. I felt calmer already but I needed to feel it, the pleasure, the control of it. I moved the blade towards my left wrist and pressed it against it, dragging it along the skin, watching as the blood started spilling out of it. I did it again and again, until I felt that the stream of blood was going steady. I put my blade away, back into the case and closed it, putting the case back into my bag. I looked at the blood streaming out and smiled, it felt so good. It was something I had done and something I had control over.

After a few minutes, I decided I could go back to my lesson now, and not be too upset or angry. I grabbed some tissue and wiped away the blood, moving out of the stall to wash it with water until the blood had stopped running. I pulled a bandage out of my bag and wrapped it around my wrist, pulling my sleeve over it and grabbing my bag. I flushed away all the evidence and left the toilets, heading back to Neil’s room.

I paused outside the door, made sure my sleeves were pulled down over my wrists and pushed the door open. “Sorry, Mr P. I was feeling a bit sick.” I told him, not once looking at him as I walked into the classroom and took my seat by Ali, smiling as she looked at me confused. I could feel Neil staring at me, trying to figure out how I had gone from storming out of his classroom to coming back in smiling and cheerful.

“That is fine, Paige.” I heard him whisper as I pulled out my book and opened it to a new page, copied down what I had missed and then turned to him waiting for him to continue with the lesson.

“Mr P?” One of the snobby girls near the front asked, getting his attention. I felt my stomach turn at someone else calling him Mr P, which was my name for him in school, he was mine not hers. I stared daggers into the back of her head, as she looked up at Mr P, flicking her hair and leaning forward. I looked down at my desk, wanting to really throw up. Maybe coming back had been a bad idea, but no I needed to learn, I’d be in real trouble if I started failing my lessons.

“Yes anyway...” I heard Neil say and continue on with the lesson. I tried to pay attention I really did, I was automatically copying the notes from the board down, but everything he said went in one ear and out of the other as I tried not to think about him kissing me, about him pulling me close and wiping away my tears. I shook my head trying to get rid of the thoughts and looked back at Neil to try and show I was interested in what he was saying, but as I looked up at him and caught his eyes my mind flashed back to feeling his arms around me, and that’s how the rest of the lesson went on.

The bell went and I packed up quickly trying to be the first one out so that there was no risk of me being left alone with him. “Paige. Can you stay behind please?” I heard his voice flow over me and, although I wanted to be angry and hurt at him, his voice still made my heart flutter. I nodded and sat back down sighing internally. I hugged and waved at Ali as she left, letting her know I’d be okay.

Once everyone had left, I heard him move closer to me and my body went rigid with tension. I couldn’t let him kiss me again; he was taken, engaged in fact. “Yes?” I asked him, my voice empty of any emotion.

“I wanted to ensure that you are well?” He asked me and I nodded, not trusting my voice to stay steady if I replied verbally. I could feel his gaze on me and that his hand was about to pull my chin up, but before he could I looked up so he didn’t have to touch me. His hand dropped as I looked up at him, I knew my eyes were giving away everything but I was determined not to react to anything. “I would like to... apologise.” He said and I smiled up at him.

“It’s okay. We can be friends Mr P.” I told him and he smiled a bit but then frowned as I said his name, “What?” I asked him, the concern I felt for him filling my voice.

“You referred to me as Mr P.” He said, I nodded and smiled wryly.

“Well that is your name,” I told him, and he laughed. My heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest at the sound, his laughter was smooth and the loveliest thing I had ever heard. I wanted to wrap it around me all day.

“I had noticed you tend to refer to me as Neil, when we are alone I mean.” His voice showing his disappointment, I smiled at him.

“It’s for the best, Mr P.” I told him and then picked up my stuff. “No worries.” I smiled and walked out of the door. Could we actually just be friends? I had a feeling there was going to be a lot of trips to the bathroom, but if it made things more comfortable for Neil, that’s all that mattered to me. He was everything to me, I laughed at myself, now I sounded like I should be in a corny romcom. I smiled hoping things wouldn’t be so bad after all.