The Kind Of Reckless

We started off in Madrid, Spain, for the tour. The schedule was to loop around Europe, into Asia and India, and come back around to Germany, Italy, and other countries in that general area. England would be our last stop in the two months we’d be over here.
In those two months, I spent most all of my time with Kendall and Big Time Rush. We did just about everything together. And Kendall and I…
Well, I figured a lot out that I could never have guessed. About him and myself.

****

We arrive in Paris a little after noon. Kendall and I walk off the plane holding hands, just a bit in front of Justin. The last two months have flown by so fast with my mind so preoccupied by Kendall, that his feelings and how he has been doing has completely avoided my mind.
Carlos says something to Kendall, who laughs and looks over at me to see if I was too. I smile at him and he smiles back, kissing the top of my head.
We arrive at the hotel a little while later.
“So, I have to leave you for a little, Carlos and James want to take me somewhere. I have no idea what they have up their sleeves, but I’m really curious now.” He shrugs nonchalantly.
“Of course.” I smile. “I’ll just bother Logan or something.”
Kendall chuckles, but presses his soft lips to mine before leaving me in my room.
I walk around the room, taking in all the details of the wallpaper, the way the curtains are hanging, the laps. Everything.
I never quite understood what happened, when it came to my feeling for Kendall, after we had sex. I was…jumbled, to say the least.
I mean, it’s not like I don’t remember every detail perfectly from that night. I was drunk, but not to the point of not remembering.
But after I just wanted to avoid him as much as possible—which is not very easy, seeing as he was staying at my house.
”Tore.” Kendall calls after me as I bound up the stairs away from him.
I bite my lip and turn around to face him at the bottom of the stairs.
“Hey, Ken.” I fake a smile and turn to continue walking.
“No, wait!”
My breath catches in my throat and I turn to look at him again.
“I think we need to talk about what happened between us.” He whispers, going up the stairs slowly, but stopping two before the one I was standing on.
“Nothing happened. Just a mistake.”
His face drops a little.
“I don’t think it was a mistake.”
“Kendall, I’m…I’m still in love with Justin.” I lower my head.
“Yeah? And he left you. But I’ve been here. I’m in love with you.”
I guess his feelings never did really change.
But my feelings? I know I used to once love Kendall. At first like a brother, then…something more.
And now?
I can honestly say that I never stopped feeling how I was feeling.
And after the past three months together, no worries, problems, fights, or anything, I don’t know if I would give it up.
A knock on the door pulls me out of wandering around the room.
When the door swings open, I was not expecting to see Justin standing there.
He walks right past me into the room, and I close the door nervously, and walk into the area with the beds.
“What do you want, Justin?” I ask, sitting down on the bed.
He looks at me like I’m crazy before walking over to me, grabbing my face in his hands and crushing his lips to mine in a hungry frenzy. Those fireworks I’ve tried so hard to forget explode in my mind as I start kissing him back, closing my eyes as my hands make their way to the back of his neck, pulling Justin closer to me.
We lay back onto the bed, his waist between my legs as he presses his body as close to mine as he can. His tongue enters my mouth in a duel with my own. My hand holds his face gently, remembering the softness of his skin.
I wrap my legs around him and he presses himself closer to me, feeling him grow beneath his shorts.
He sucks on my lip, then trails kisses along my jaw line, down my neck, and to my collarbone, and back up again.
“Justin…” I gasp.
“Shhh.” He mutters against my lips.
His hand slips up my shirt and to the back. With ease he undoes my bra and his hand is fondling my breast.
He lets go of me completely to take off my shirt and toss my bra to the side. He slips out of my legs, taking his shirt off as well.
My lip trembles. I know where this is going.
I stop him from kissing me again, pushing him off of me and putting my bra back on, and then my shirt after that.
“You broke up with me. Remember? And now I have Kendall. And you have Selena.” I don’t face him as I say this, because it brings tears to my eyes.
“But I can’t stand this any longer. I want you, and only you. Forever and always, remember? I want to marry you. Today. Tonight. I want it to be us for the rest of our lives, just like we promised.”
My tears start falling as I turn around to face him.
“Can’t you see that I’m happy with Kendall? I don’t have to hide. I’m not worried about him getting mad at me for something I can’t change. I’m not worried about getting mobbed everywhere I go with him. He makes everything fun, happy. I’m always happy with him. Justin, I’m in love with him.
“But you? You make everything so hard. I can’t be seen with you without getting death threats. We can’t date publically. When I’m with you I’m always afraid that something’s going to happen, or you’re going to leave again. I can’t have that. I can’t feel like that all the time. Justin, I’m still in love with you, but I don’t know what to do.
“I miss how it used to be, Jay. Before you left and became famous. Before I became famous. When it was just the two of us down by the lake resting against our oak tree. But even if you and Selena ‘break up’ and we get back together and go public about it—which I doubt you’ll go for, I’ll just seem like a rebound girl. I don’t want that. I want—“
Justin cuts me off by grabbing my face and kissing me again, my tears wetting his fingers and I feel his tears on my face as well.
Normally, I would have kissed him back, and taken him back. I would have gone with what he wanted. But I know what I need right now, and it’s not him.
I push Justin away, not too hard, but enough for him to stop kissing me and take a step back.
He’s not what I need.
Kendall is.
I think.