Here We Go Again

I found myself slowly coming into consciousness the next morning. I was still groggy and half-asleep when I heard a thud, and was jolted awake. I rolled onto my back. I heard someone mumble something, and my eyes slowly opened. My eyes focused, and Taylor stared back at me from his place by the closet, a sheepish look on his face.

"I didn't mean to wake you."

I was suddenly hit with memories of the night before and a smile made its way to my face. I smirked before rolling onto my side, grabbing onto a pillow, and closing my eyes again. "You were never the stealthiest guy in the world," I teased. I heard him laugh and I smiled.

"I have practice," he informed me. I listened to him move around for a bit, before I felt the bed sink beside me. I opened my eyes and stared up at Taylor. His hand lifted to gently push my hair behind my ear and over my shoulder. I closed my eyes. "I'll be back by lunch. You should go back to sleep."

I nodded, my eyes still closed. I cuddled further into the blankets and pillows. My lips turned up even farther as I felt him press a kiss to the side of my cheek.

"Love you," I mumbled.

I could almost hear Taylor smiling as he replied, "Love you, too."

***

I only managed to sleep for another hour before I woke again. I lay there for a bit, my eyes wandering around Taylor's room. The picture of us I had given him for Christmas. His clothes. Watches on the dresser. His aftershave and cologne.

My heart broke as reality hit me again.

I can't go through this again.

But I had to.

The thought of not being with him... Being without him again... I couldn't do it.

What was I supposed to do?

I finally got up and grabbed a cold piece of pizza from the fridge to eat for 'breakfast'. I glanced at the clock; 11:36. Taylor and Jordan would be home around 12:00. I sighed and headed into the living room.

Nothing was on TV, and so I decided to pick a movie from the shelf on the wall. As I stood there, staring at the vast array of titles, I couldn't say I registered any of them in my brain. I felt sick, and all I wanted to do was cry.

I heard footsteps before a key entered the lock. I didn't hear talking, and so I assumed Jordan wasn't with him. I held my breath as he came around the corner.

"Hey."

Immediately, I knew he was smiling. I could tell by the tone of his voice.

I tried to put on a smile as I turned to him quickly. "Hey," I said as brightly as I could. I didn't give him a chance to read my eyes before I turned my back to him again.

"What are you doing?"

I listened as he threw his jacket on the couch before his footsteps neared me.

"Just picking a movie."

His arms encircled my waist, and his face nuzzled into my neck. I closed my eyes, leaning back against him. His chest was pressed against my back, and my hands lifted up to cover his around my stomach.

"This ones good," he said, his breath hitting my neck, as he removed a hand from my waist to grab a DVD. He held it up so I could look at it. Ironman. I nodded, and he placed the DVD case on top of the fireplace. He pressed a kiss to my jaw before gently spinning me around. He surprised me by pulling me into his chest for a hug. "Hi," he mumbled into my hair.

My arms lifted up to wrap around his neck and I felt the tears begin to surface. I pulled him as close to me as I could, trying not to cry into him like I had the night before.

He pulled his face back, not wasting any time in pressing a soft kiss to my lips.

I gave into the feeling of his lips against mine before I gently pulled away. I avoided his eyes as I began quietly, "Taylor..."

He was silent for a moment. "What?" He looked down at me, concern filling his eyes.

"We can't... We can't just go back to how we were," I whispered. He removed his hands from my waist and took a step back. He was silent, and I looked up to search his eyes.

"Why not?" he finally asked.

I immediately knew by the tone of his voice that I had hurt him. "Taylor, I meant what I said last night. Every word," I promised quietly. He crossed his arms, and I sighed, looking down at the floor. "But it didn't work last time." I paused, my lip trembling. "What's going to make it different this time?" My voice cracked, and I bit down on my lip, hard.

I was caught by surprise as Taylor's hand slipped into mine. I looked up at him and he pulled me into him again. He rubbed my back, and I let a few tears fall from my eyes. After a moment, he led me over to the couch, pulling me down beside him. His arm wrapped around my waist, and I pulled my knees up to my chest, curling into him.

It was quiet between us. Neither of us knew what to say.

After what seemed like hours, I took a deep breath and whispered, "I'm afraid."

"I know." Taylor was silent for a moment, and his thumb drew circles gently on my side. "What do you want to do?"

I sighed heavily. "I don't know." I looked down and played with a thread in my pajama pants. "I mean..." I took a deep breath before repeating, "How is this going to work if it didn't before?"

It was Taylor's turn to sigh. I glanced up at him as he rubbed his hand across his face.

"I don't know," he replied. I could tell he was getting even more frustrated. He sighed again before shifting his arm so that it was hanging over my shoulder. He pulled me into his chest, resting his chin on my head and saying, "I just know that I don't want to live without you again."