When It Became Over Powering
The Jitters
He started a whole routine for the last couple of weeks. Wake up, shower, go to coffee shop, go home, eat leftovers or order takeout. All of which were what seemed to him as his life shaping up to be even a little remotely better. He became so use to ignoring everything around him that even the people closest to him talking were just zoned out. It seemed like nothing mattered to him but himself. He has been so preoccupied with himself that even the friendliest hello from the blond at the bookstore meant nothing. He tells himself he wants friends but can never bring himself to call anyone or make new friends. He only leaves his house to go to the book store and that is it. He was losing who he really was. Nothing was what he wanted, but in some strange way it was better than him going out every night with a new girl and getting fucked up.
****
Ryan sits crossed legged in the same old leather chair at the coffee shop he has been in for weeks. He holds his phone in his lap with both his hands on it. He keeps scrolling through his contacts wanting so desperately for someone to either call, or for him to have the courage to call someone. Alex, Z and Brianna constantly try to get in contact with him but he never answered. They were the reason he became who he is now. The three of them are what made him hate himself.
He loves having Alex and Z in his life but right now is not the best time. He needs help. Whenever he lets the voices around him break through the wall he has built up from the outside world, his whole body shakes. The thought of being around people scares him. The thought of getting better worries him.
He loses hold of the barrier between him and the real world. Voices fill his head. Some familiar but yet he cannot name the people the voices are coming from. He has been getting lost in himself that he doesn't even know whether what is happening is really happening or just some kind of trick his mind is playing on him.
"He doesn't look to good." "What should we do?" "Say hi?" "He hates us, remember?" "I don't care. I care about him."
A hand lands on Ryan's shoulder making him jump out of his seat. His hands begin to shake and his nerves take the better of him. He looks up to meet the chocolate brown eyes he has been missing for some time. "Ryan, is everything alright? Me and Spence saw you and you don't look too good," Brendon's soothing voice fills Ryan's ears.
Ryan swallows hard and looks over Brendon's shoulder to see Spencer standing a few feet away. Ryan looks to the ground and clenches his phone tightly. "I'm fine. I have to go," he says through his teeth and pushes past Brendon and storms off toward the front of the store.
He is lost. He wants to go back and explain himself to Brendon and Spencer. He knows that even after everything they have been through, the two would listen to him. He needed them right now but there is something pulling him away from them. He wants all his old friends back into his life. He just wants to be his old self.
****
Ryan sits crossed legged in the same old leather chair at the coffee shop he has been in for weeks. He holds his phone in his lap with both his hands on it. He keeps scrolling through his contacts wanting so desperately for someone to either call, or for him to have the courage to call someone. Alex, Z and Brianna constantly try to get in contact with him but he never answered. They were the reason he became who he is now. The three of them are what made him hate himself.
He loves having Alex and Z in his life but right now is not the best time. He needs help. Whenever he lets the voices around him break through the wall he has built up from the outside world, his whole body shakes. The thought of being around people scares him. The thought of getting better worries him.
He loses hold of the barrier between him and the real world. Voices fill his head. Some familiar but yet he cannot name the people the voices are coming from. He has been getting lost in himself that he doesn't even know whether what is happening is really happening or just some kind of trick his mind is playing on him.
"He doesn't look to good." "What should we do?" "Say hi?" "He hates us, remember?" "I don't care. I care about him."
A hand lands on Ryan's shoulder making him jump out of his seat. His hands begin to shake and his nerves take the better of him. He looks up to meet the chocolate brown eyes he has been missing for some time. "Ryan, is everything alright? Me and Spence saw you and you don't look too good," Brendon's soothing voice fills Ryan's ears.
Ryan swallows hard and looks over Brendon's shoulder to see Spencer standing a few feet away. Ryan looks to the ground and clenches his phone tightly. "I'm fine. I have to go," he says through his teeth and pushes past Brendon and storms off toward the front of the store.
He is lost. He wants to go back and explain himself to Brendon and Spencer. He knows that even after everything they have been through, the two would listen to him. He needed them right now but there is something pulling him away from them. He wants all his old friends back into his life. He just wants to be his old self.