Frontwards

Saturday 2nd March, 2006.

And what type of wedding would this be without a decent bachelor/bachelorette party?

Actually, I thought it would probably be fine to go without but my friends apparently had other ideas. Which is how I found myself being dragged out of my warm and cosy bed at 10am and out into the cold rainy morning and then into Alice’s car before I could even ask what was going on.

“We’re going to a day spa,” Alice announced as I sleepily buckled myself in. I had barely had the time to get dressed so I was wearing a pair of fat person jeans but still with my Snoopy pyjama top.

“We thought we had to do something, since you can’t drink,” Kate added, and there was definite resentment in her tone. Kate loves a good drink or nine. “We were going to just go out tonight without you but it seemed counter-productive.”

I blinked slowly as I processed this. “How thoughtful,” I mumbled as we pulled away from the drive.

First we picked Linda up from her place, which I think I gave reasonably accurate directions to, considering I had barely been conscious for five minutes. And then Alice drove us into some town that I had never seen before (hardly surprising since I’d lived in New Jersey for all of two months) and then we were outside this big fancy spa building.

As soon as we walked in they handed us champagne. Never mind the fact that it was about half ten in the morning and I am pregnant. But of course the others made no secret of gulping it down. Animals.

“Hello,” Linda smiled at the quite fit male receptionist. “We’ve made reservations for a bridal party under the name Iero.”

The hunky receptionist winked at her and I thought she might melt. He glanced down at his desk. “Yeah, I’ve got you right here,” he grinned, and even I went a little weak at the knees at his gorgeousness. “Who’s the lucky lady?”

I raised my hand. “That would be me,” I said, taking a step forward.

He gave me the biggest smile and I thought his face might crack in half. “Well congratulations, beautiful,” he purred. He then looked back to the others. “Ladies, if you’d like to follow my colleague over there, I’d just like to steal the bride for a moment.”

The other three waltzed off in the trail of a very tall and skinny woman while I stood dumbstruck in the lobby. Part of me wondered if this was all some clever ruse and this hot receptionist was in fact a stripper. I wouldn’t be too surprised if Kate had organised this, but I did think better of Linda.

“And what name is it, princess?” he was asking as he came out from behind the desk. He was even sexier the closer he got to me. I was getting quite flustered.

“Daisy,” I managed to squeak, though heaven knows how.

“What a beautiful name. Lovely to meet you, Daisy. I’m Kieran.” Kieran seemed to suit him. “If you’d just like to follow me, Daisy.”

Oh good lord where are we going?

He led me through a room with a massive swimming pool and hot tub, and into a small office. It was looking more and more like the introduction to a cheap porno by the second.

“I’ve just brought you here alone for a moment while we discuss which treatments you would like today,” he said, handing me a couple of folders. I calmed down a little bit. I may even have breathed a sigh of relief. As hunky as Kieran was, I was in no mood to be engaging in sexual activity and besides which I am a married woman! Well, almost. I dreaded to think what Frank would have said if he’d seen me just now.

After a quick look through my options (I was pretty eager to get away from Kieran if I’m honest with you) I chose a Swedish massage, Indian scalp massage, manicure and pedicure. Kieran informed me that my bridesmaids would get one treatment each along with either a manicure or pedicure, we would have full useage of the pool, sauna and hot tubs, and we would break for lunch between 12 and 2. Which all sounded very well and good to me but I hadn’t brought a swimming costume, had I?
Kieran chuckled and told me not to worry because my friends had bought one for me. Which was good. For a terrible moment I thought I might have to be naked all day and for someone like me that is quite scary.

So he took me back to the others and showed us to the changing rooms and we went straight for the hot tub.

“You know,” I said, as I settled down into the bubbles. “This was a pretty good idea.”

Alice nodded. “Yeah, it was. Good old Sexy Kieran was a bit of a bonus as well.”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I didn’t say anything because I was very aware that Frank’s mum was with us and I didn’t want it getting back to him that I thought I was about to get bent over a desk.

“Really?” Kate scrunched up her face. “I don’t think he was so hot.”

“That’s because he didn’t have long hair and a vagina,” I replied, and then I remembered Linda again and shut up.

“Hey,” Kate said defensively. “I can still appreciate the male form. I’m just saying that he was a little bit caveman-like and creepy.”

Alice shook her head. “Oooh no. He was yummy.”

“I would,” Linda piped up. And I had thought she was a classy lady. Shocking behaviour.



We went our separate ways for our massages and regrouped for lunch. It was all English tea and sandwiches which I suppose they thought was quite quaint and fancy but what I really wanted was a steak. Of course I didn’t say this. I just nibbled delicately at tiny little cakes because hey, it was free after all.

“I’m sure my Swedish massage was given by a Japanese sadist,” Alice was saying. “The woman nearly ripped my skin off.”

Linda laughed. “Really? I had a foot massage from this gorgeous tiny little woman. She was like a pixie.”

My own experiences had been most pleasant. In fact I almost fell asleep while I was having my head rubbed. It was amazing. My hair was now paying the price, looking like an angry bird’s nest, but what can you do? It was so worth it.

Kate remained silent. I had a horrible feeling that she had seduced her masseuse, much like in the porn films. There is just something about this place and having strangers rub your flesh that seems quite erotic, I suppose. Particularly when you are a raving lesbian.

But we had a nice lunch nonetheless, and then a couple more hours in the sauna before our nail treatments (I went for red, mais oui) and then it was hometime.

I couldn’t wait to see Frank. It felt like I hadn’t spent any time with him for ages, which I suppose is silly considering I will get to spend the rest of my life with him, but there you go. I missed being around him all the time.

So as soon as we were home - a little after 5pm; such crazy party gals we are - I announced that I would be taking a short nap and gave Frank a look so that he knew this meant he was coming with me. We just lay in bed together chatting for a while. I told him all about our day (missing out quite a lot of detail when it came to the receptionist, admittedly) and he told me all about his. Apparently the guys had taken him go-karting because he insisted against a traditional ‘let’s go out and get wasted’ bachelor party. I told him he was silly and that just because I couldn’t celebrate by getting hammered it didn’t mean he couldn’t. He told me he’d rather spend the evening with me.

Sometimes he is just too cute.