I Can't Remember That Was Us

“Matt I’m sorry I fell asleep on you last night… You want breakfast?” I asked, walking into the kitchen. I had woken up in my bed, so he must have carried me there. Matt was sitting there, he had sort of a conflicted look on his face.

“Why didn’t you tell me I was going to be a dad?” he asked me. His words stunned me and his choice of words made me feel even worse.

“Wow, how’d you find out? I wasn’t expecting you to find out so quickly.” I asked, looking at him.

“I saw the ultrasound pictures.” He stated, pointing at the photo album in front of him on the table. He was pointing at the ultrasound picture.

“Matt, I was going to-“ I started before he interrupted me.

“Yeah, but you didn’t. I’ve been staring at this all night. My kid…Is it even mine?” He asked, looking into my probably unfamiliar eyes.

“Of course it’s yours! You’re the only person I’ve ever been with.” I told him truthfully. Sure, I’ve kissed other people, but he’s the only one I’ve ever been sexually active with. I looked into his tired eyes and immediately felt horrible.

“Wow…I’m sorry, I just didn’t know… I don’t remember. It’s fucking killing me! … Is it a boy or a girl?” he asked, his eyes softening.

“They can’t tell yet.” I said, sitting down in front of him.

“Did I know before this happened?” he asked me, looking away.

“Yes.” I answered shortly. He nodded and got up.

“Matt…don’t be mad-“ he interrupted me.

“Too late.” He replied walking out of the house. I didn’t even know what to do once he was gone. I sat down at the table and put my face In my hands. I don’t even know if he knows his way around the place. He has his phone though, just in case he has to call me to pick him up. I don’t know why I didn’t tell him. I should have just fucking told him. I’m SO stupid. I didn’t know who else to call, so I called Jimmy.

“Hayleigh! What’s the word?” he asked me, he was obviously asking me if Matt remembered anything. He was probably going to hate me because of what I’m about to tell him.

“The word is, I failed to mention to Matt that I’m having his baby, but he found out, so he got sort of pissed and he left…” I explained to him quickly.

“Where did he go?” he asked me after staying silent for a moment.

“I don’t know…I called you because I thought that maybe you could find him. I would totally do it, but you know, I’m sort of pregnant.”

“Maybe I would know where he went if he still had his memory, but honestly, memory-less, I don’t know where he went… I can still look, though.” He told me with a sigh.

“Awesome… I just hope that he didn’t do anything crazy. If you find him, just tell him that I’m sorry. I’ll explain things when I see him again…if he’ll give me a chance.”

“I’ll tell him, Hays… If I find him… but don’t worry yourself, at least you know he’s alive.” He told me… a very bad way to comfort me.

“Okay, bye Jim.” I told him, hanging up my phone.

Matt’s POV

Where the fuck am I? I don’t even remember how to find my way around this place. It almost made me wonder if I ever really knew. Why couldn’t Hayleigh just tell me that I was going to have a kid? Just because I don’t fucking remember getting her pregnant doesn’t mean that I can’t handle the truth. After all that I’ve been through, doesn’t she think that I deserve to know at least that. Hayleigh is such an untrustworthy person. I don’t even know how I’m married to her. It makes me wonder if I was unhappy before all of this happened. Was I going to divorce her? Was I just going to stay unhappy for the rest of my life? Or was I madly in love with her? Maybe I was happy, but I don’t see how. Hayleigh is beautiful, yes, but that wouldn’t be enough to keep me with her, would it? It’s bad that I don’t even know myself. What if who I was then and who I am now are two completely different people? I was madly in love with her then and now I can’t stand her. I don’t know, maybe I should just talk to Hayleigh about our relationship. I can’t tell her that I am repulsed by her personality now, that would just break her heart. I can tell by the way she looks at me that she is madly in love with me. I just wish that this would have never happened or that I could just remember all of this shit. I don’t want to hurt anyone, that’s not why I’m here. I’m here because I want to remember my life and how it worked. Who I loved and who I didn’t. I should at least give Hayleigh a chance. Maybe she’s just hiding herself from me because she is afraid of the same thing that I am. That I’ve changed. It’s just so hard because I’m around all of these people that I’m supposed to love and feel comfortable around and I don’t recognize any of them. I feel completely alone. I need to feel something familiar. I’m just so alone.

“Matt!” I heard a voice yell from afar. Or not. I turn around and see Jimmy’s face. I recognized him, yeah- because I saw him yesterday. He just wasn’t familiar. I don’t know if he’s a close friend or just someone that I know. I don’t even know if he’s someone that I would come to with my problems. I sighed and turned back around on the park bench as I waited for him to approach me.

“Matt! Why the hell did you run away?” He asked me, panting as he took a seat beside of me. I shrugged before answering him.

“I don’t really know…I was confused and angry.” I told him, not looking him in the eye.

“About what?” he pried on. I sighed once more.

“Dude, if you keep sighing you’re going to pass out.” he stated, smiling at me. I shook my head and tried not to sigh again.

“Hayleigh is pregnant and she didn’t tell me. No one told me. I’m the fucking father and I’m the last one to know!” I ranted to unfamiliar Jimmy. I sighed once again, finally looking him in the eye. He just nodded at me, taking everything in.

“I know it fucking sucks, man. I know…I mean, I can’t know exactly how you feel because I’ve never had amnesia…but I’ve took so many fucking drugs that I couldn’t remember what the fuck I did…guess that doesn’t compare. What I’m trying to say is it is hard for you and it’s hard for everyone. Hayleigh didn’t tell you because she didn’t want to just spring it on you. I mean, you have amnesia; you just found out that you’re married to a woman who you can’t remember. She just didn’t want to overwhelm you.” He explained to me, using his hands to speak. I guess I can understand that. Jimmy does seem like the person who I’d go to with all of my problems.

“Jimmy…I feel kind of weird just coming out and saying this, but…did I come to you a lot?? With my problems, I mean.” I asked him, clasping my hands together.

“Trust me, dude. The only coming you did to me was with problems.” He told me jokingly. I chuckled a bit at his answer.

“Thanks, man.” I thanked him, reaching my hand out to him. Jimmy and I were already becoming friends. All over again. He shook my hand, pulling me into a (manly) hug.

“Hayleigh told me to tell you that she’s sorry and that she will explain everything to you when you come back…If you’ll let her.” He told me.

“I’ll let her. But, first, help me find my way home because I don’t know where the fuck I am.”