The Diary of Jane

I could hear someone breathing heavily into my ear. I winced, thinking it was Benjamin that just lied next to me with his arms wrapped around me. Him, that made me feel safe. Him, that kissed my lips, because he knew I liked it when he kissed me. Him, that said ”I love you” with real emotions in his words, and made me believe them. Somehow.

When I opened my eyes, the world crashed down upon me. Every morning, the same thing happened. I couldn't wake up without thinking about how lucky I was that Benjamin loved and cared for me, and then reality would just hit me in the face, and slap me so hard that it made me numb. Every single fucking time.
I couldn't cry. I was so worn out and tired of crying. I was so sick of my pathetic tears that I didn't even bother anymore. It just hurt more when I cried, if it was even possible to hurt so much. I closed my eyes again, but then I heard someone breath again. I thought it was just an illusion that my mind made up, but this time it sounded real.
I turned myself around in the bed, to meet his eyes. Him, that made my life a hell. Him, who made me hate myself. Him, that had left me alone for a long time now, Him... My father.

I struggled to get out of his grip, but he was too strong.

”Let me go!” My voice was weak and rasp, I hadn't used it for other than sobbing in a long time.

My dad just laughed at me and held me with his strong arms around mine. He sat up in the bed, forcing me to sit up with him. I felt dizzy. I had lost so much weight that it felt like his arms was crushing all of my bones and twisted them around.

”I said; Let me go!” I repeated and bit his arm.

This time he did not laugh.

”What the fuck did you just do?” He growled and pulled me even closer.

This time it really felt like something inside me was breaking, but I didn't let it show. The pain was barebal, what wasn't was the fact that my dad was naked and that I was just in my underwear.

* * * * *

I had shouted, bitten, and kicked so much that my muscles ached. My dad smiled as he zipped his pants and gave me a small kiss on the cheek. I didn't even turn away, I just waited for him to leave. I just waited and waited. My mind registered every fucking thing he just did to me slowly, but there was some place in my mind that couldn't understand. I just couldn't believe that he had done such a thing to his own daughter.
Deep down, I had always had hope for my dad. I had hoped that he would change, or at least do me a favour and get out of my life.
He had abused me before, but I never thought he would go this far. But he just gone this far, and I couldn't do anything but just taking it all in, my whole body aching while the room just wouldn't stop spinning.
Around and around and around in circles. Up and down, to the sides and sometimes in a perfect circle. I watched it a long time. I registered all the little deitals about my room that I hadn't seen for the long time I had just laid here.

There was a rose in my window, that I'd gotten from Rebecca. It was dead, just like everything else felt. This just couldn't be living. There was a dead bird in the flowers on the outside of my window, it had crashed into my window and died. D-I-E-D. Had I just died? The spinning room had slowed down a little bit.
My wardrobe had been emptied, too. And the matress that Fran used to sleep on...

Fran.

The thought her made my stomach turn, and my heart ache. She had been my everything, and now I hadn't responsed to her calls in a long time. She was nothing to me, but still I felt bad. She was my little fucking sister. I could barely remember how she looked.

My dad had violated me for the last time, I thought.