Status: Completed
Psyche
8
Alexandria stands awkwardly at the door, hands clasped in front of her and shoulders stiff. When Girlie answers the door; Alexandria gives a small smile to the woman and meekly says, “Hi, Jamie asked me over . . .” Girlie’s about to say something, only to have Jamie appear at her side and tug Alexandria in, saying he wants her there. Girlie makes a clicking noise with her mouth but doesn’t say anything. Alexandria waits until her and Jamie are in his room before she brings him into her arms. Her arms tighten around his shoulders and he hugs her waist.
“I can’t even --,” she starts jerkily. “Everything’s going to be fine, Jamie, I swear. But you
need to tell Girlie.”
“I know.”
“I mean it. It’s not safe for you to be around him. You need to tell her,” she says. He pulls away from her and steps back.
“I know, okay? I can only do so much in one day. I just got out of the hospital, I’m going to some mental place soon – she’s already overwhelmed.”
“But Jamie ---“
“I’m tired.”
“If you don’t then I will ‘cause I don’t want you ending up in a hospital again. I want you to be safe. It’s important.” She hugs herself, and it’s weird looking at her now while she’s pale and somber, her body hunched over like she’s old. He thinks this is the first time he’s seen her not look bright and happy.
It’s all because of him.
He closes the distance and hugs her again. “I’ll tell her. I swear,” he promises. He means it. He will.
“Tell her soon. Today or tomorrow.”
“I will.”
”God, Jamie, I wish I would’ve known before,” she sobs, and he squeezes tighter. They stand there for a bit longer, before Alexandria says she has to go. They go downstairs and stand at the door, Alexandria holding Jamie’s hand.
“I’ll call you later,” she says, and then makes a weird noise in her throat like there’s something else she needs to say. “Have you talked to Jean yet?”
The question stung. He looks away and hopes she doesn’t notice the discomfort.
“No.”
“I told him you were in the hospital.”
“Yeah.”
Alexandria smiles meekly and kisses Jamie on his cheek. “Call me if you need anything.” He nods, and she hugs him once more before leaving.
She waves goodbye from the car, and Jamie lingers in the door before retreating.
*****
Jamie asks Girlie about his mom during dinner. He’s not up for eating, but he doesn’t want Girlie to worry, so he eats for her sake.
“Did my mom really not want me?” he asks, and the fork Girlie is holding almost falls out of her hand before she places it on the table.
“What? No, she loved you in every way possible,” she says, voice rising, almost offended that he would think that. “She did. But . . . she got into too much trouble, and she just wasn’t fit – wasn’t ready -- to be a mom. She knew that. When Lea gave you to me, she told me it was probably the only good decision she ever made in her life.” A sad smile appears on her face, and she looks past Jamie as if remembering a fond memory. Too soon the smile slowly vanishes, and she continues on to say, “But she loved you. She used to visit you a lot when you were younger.”
“Did she think I was a freak?”
“No. Why are you asking this? She saw you as a normal baby, no matter what anyone said. I
don’t know what else to say. Whatever you’re thinking --- it’s wrong. ”
“I just wanted to know.”
“Lea always loved you. She saw you as a normal child. She didn’t just reject you. Don’t forget that.”
He doesn’t say anymore after that. If his mom was still alive, and he lived with her, maybe Zack wouldn’t have been able to get to him. Or if he did, maybe his mom would’ve taken notice and helped Jamie. Maybe she would’ve been like Girlie.
He wants to feel happy that his mom loved him, but it seems too fake, not honest enough. If she loved him, she would’ve cleaned up, and then maybe Jamie wouldn’t be in this mess. If she loved him, she wouldn’t have let this happen.
(If Girlie loved him she wouldn’t had let this happen.)
Maybe he’s being too selfish.
Somehow he can’t find it in himself to hate her. He doesn’t love her. He doesn’t care about her at all, though he’ll still wonder how better, how worse, or how unchanging his life would've been if she was here. He questions if Jean feels like this when he thinks about his dad, or if Alexandria does about her mom.
Jamie finishes his dinner quickly and excuses himself to bed.
“I can’t even --,” she starts jerkily. “Everything’s going to be fine, Jamie, I swear. But you
need to tell Girlie.”
“I know.”
“I mean it. It’s not safe for you to be around him. You need to tell her,” she says. He pulls away from her and steps back.
“I know, okay? I can only do so much in one day. I just got out of the hospital, I’m going to some mental place soon – she’s already overwhelmed.”
“But Jamie ---“
“I’m tired.”
“If you don’t then I will ‘cause I don’t want you ending up in a hospital again. I want you to be safe. It’s important.” She hugs herself, and it’s weird looking at her now while she’s pale and somber, her body hunched over like she’s old. He thinks this is the first time he’s seen her not look bright and happy.
It’s all because of him.
He closes the distance and hugs her again. “I’ll tell her. I swear,” he promises. He means it. He will.
“Tell her soon. Today or tomorrow.”
“I will.”
”God, Jamie, I wish I would’ve known before,” she sobs, and he squeezes tighter. They stand there for a bit longer, before Alexandria says she has to go. They go downstairs and stand at the door, Alexandria holding Jamie’s hand.
“I’ll call you later,” she says, and then makes a weird noise in her throat like there’s something else she needs to say. “Have you talked to Jean yet?”
The question stung. He looks away and hopes she doesn’t notice the discomfort.
“No.”
“I told him you were in the hospital.”
“Yeah.”
Alexandria smiles meekly and kisses Jamie on his cheek. “Call me if you need anything.” He nods, and she hugs him once more before leaving.
She waves goodbye from the car, and Jamie lingers in the door before retreating.
*****
Jamie asks Girlie about his mom during dinner. He’s not up for eating, but he doesn’t want Girlie to worry, so he eats for her sake.
“Did my mom really not want me?” he asks, and the fork Girlie is holding almost falls out of her hand before she places it on the table.
“What? No, she loved you in every way possible,” she says, voice rising, almost offended that he would think that. “She did. But . . . she got into too much trouble, and she just wasn’t fit – wasn’t ready -- to be a mom. She knew that. When Lea gave you to me, she told me it was probably the only good decision she ever made in her life.” A sad smile appears on her face, and she looks past Jamie as if remembering a fond memory. Too soon the smile slowly vanishes, and she continues on to say, “But she loved you. She used to visit you a lot when you were younger.”
“Did she think I was a freak?”
“No. Why are you asking this? She saw you as a normal baby, no matter what anyone said. I
don’t know what else to say. Whatever you’re thinking --- it’s wrong. ”
“I just wanted to know.”
“Lea always loved you. She saw you as a normal child. She didn’t just reject you. Don’t forget that.”
He doesn’t say anymore after that. If his mom was still alive, and he lived with her, maybe Zack wouldn’t have been able to get to him. Or if he did, maybe his mom would’ve taken notice and helped Jamie. Maybe she would’ve been like Girlie.
He wants to feel happy that his mom loved him, but it seems too fake, not honest enough. If she loved him, she would’ve cleaned up, and then maybe Jamie wouldn’t be in this mess. If she loved him, she wouldn’t have let this happen.
(If Girlie loved him she wouldn’t had let this happen.)
Maybe he’s being too selfish.
Somehow he can’t find it in himself to hate her. He doesn’t love her. He doesn’t care about her at all, though he’ll still wonder how better, how worse, or how unchanging his life would've been if she was here. He questions if Jean feels like this when he thinks about his dad, or if Alexandria does about her mom.
Jamie finishes his dinner quickly and excuses himself to bed.