This Is How I Disappear

We drop Juliah and Tess off at the florist, and I get in the front seat next to Gerard. I know he has something to say, but for the first time he’s actually keeping his mouth shut, making me both curious and uncomfortable. I guess he could feel the tension in the backseat too, the awkwardness between me and Tess, and my desperate need for her to fully forgive me. I just want us to start over, not having to worry about what’s happened in the past. I may not love her just yet, but I care about her deeply, she makes me feel like I can do anything, like I’m worth something, worth loving. I would be stupid to let that go.

“What’s on your mind?” Gerard asks me after a few minutes of complete silence.

“Nothing. I’m just really… confused, I guess”

“About what? Tess? Dude, you just have to go for it, stop dwelling on it and make a move already”

“I have made a move! And I’m not really confused about her, I’m just debating on whether to actually go further with what I’m feeling or not”

“Frankie. I’ve known you for a long time now. As I’ve said before you’re like a brother to me, and I really want you to enjoy life and be happy. If Tess makes you feel, I don’t know, appreciated, you should make sure she knows that. Do what’s right, kid” Sometimes it feels like Gerard always has the right answer, like he knows exactly what to do and each time he gives me a speech, he makes it sound so simple. But he’s totally right though, I should stop being so goddamn insecure. I know she loves me, and there’s definitely a possibility that I’m capable of actually returning that love, making her feel as special as she makes me feel. And she deserves that, she really does. I’ve been leading her on now without really giving her anything to hold on to, no reason to stick around whatsoever, and if I don’t give her a reason soon, she’s gone. I would never survive that, right now it feels like I can’t live without her.

“Frankie? We’re here. Get your ass out of the car”

“Oh, right. Sorry” I say, still thinking about what to say to Tess to make her feel special. I’m not really good with girls; I have never been the Don Juan I’ve always wanted to be. But maybe it’s enough to just be… me?
We walk into the store and start looking at the ‘perfect’ tux, but to be honest; they all look the same to me, so I don’t get what the whole fuzz is about.

“What do you think about this one?” Gee says and holds a black tux in front of him.

“Uhm, it’s nice, I guess”

“What about the color? Should I go with something else than black?”

“Do they even have other colors than black?” I ask and look around, cause all the tuxes look black to me.

“Of course! They have navy blue-ish, and I think they have grey somewhere”

“Dude, just go with that one” I say, slightly irritated and bored.

“Okay, okay. But weren’t you gonna buy a tux as well? Or are you wearing your old one?”

“Nah, I need a new one. The other is filled with bad memories, and your wedding is a symbol of a new beginning or something”

“That’s the spirit! So what kind of tux do you want?” he says, reminding me of that guy Carson in the gay-show-thing.

“I don’t know, you pick one for me”

“Frank…”

“Just. Pick. One!”

We pay and walk out of the store with two, and in my opinion identical, tuxes, gently laying them down in the backseat of the car before we get in and head to the florist. This is it; the florist is both the perfect time and place to say something to Tess. I mean, we’re going to be surrounded by flowers, and chicks love flowers.

“Hey, my beautiful” Gerard says when we meet up with Juliah and Tess at the florist, wrapping his arms around his pregnant bride.

“Hey! So, we need your opinion on something, should we go with roses or lilies?”

“I don’t know, what’s the typical wedding-flower?” Gerard asks, obviously as clueless as me.

“I don’t know, and I don’t care. I want one of these, so give me your opinion. Frankie?”

“Don’t ask me, I don’t know anything about flowers” I say, and Juliah gives me the death stare, forcing me to pick one. “Fine! Lilies?”

“Great! I’m lucky just to get the flowers now on such short notice. If a certain someone was a little more interested in getting flowers, we’d ordered them weeks ago!”

“Honey, we started planning the wedding 4 weeks ago, give me a break” Gerard says with a goofy smile on his face.

“Yeah, yeah, let’s just get out of here, I’m craving ice cream”

“Hey, Tess” I say and walk up next to her. “I kinda want to talk to you”

“What’s going on?”

“Oh, nothing, I just wanted to tell you something” God, I’m so nervous I’m shaking. “So, I didn’t mean what I said when I said ‘I love you’ back the other night, which I think you know, but that doesn’t mean there’s not a possibility I will feel something more for you later. Cause I {i]really like you, Tess, and I don’t want to screw up my chance to be happy. You make me happy, and you’re generally just an amazing person, I’d be stupid to let that go. I guess what I’m saying is; if you’ll still have me, I’m yours” I say, looking at her and waiting for a reply. But she doesn’t. She just looks at me with confused eyes, like I took her by surprise. And to be honest; I guess I did.
“Could you please just say something?” This is seriously torture, and if she doesn’t say something soon I swear I’m going to pass out!

“I don’t really know what to say, I didn’t really see this coming, I mean… Wow”

“Is that a good ‘wow’ or a bad ‘wow’” My body feels numb, what if it was too late? Too cheesy? Too weird?

“A good ‘wow’, definitely a good ‘wow’” She replies and I feel so relieved I can’t even describe it.

“Okay, so what do we do now?”

“I don’t know, kiss or something?”

I giggle. “Come here, you!” I say and pull her closer to me. “God, you’re amazing”.