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After I left Acey and Garrett at the coffee shop in a hurry, I sat in my car fighting off the tears that threatened to fall. How dare he? I wondered over and over before I picked up my phone, scrolled down to J and called Josh. I brought the phone to my ear, biting my lower lip so hard I could taste blood. “Fuck,” I whispered once Josh answered the phone.

“Cori?” His voice sounded deep and confused, I almost melted. But then I remembered I’m severely angry with him.

“You are such a dick.”

“Excuse me?” I rolled my eyes, I made a nasally noise and switched ears.

“You fucking heard me. You. Are. Such. A. Dick.” I seethed into the phone, starting my car and putting the A/C on full blast. Sweat started forming on my skin as I sat in the car, getting angry and my blood boiling. Josh made a noise on the other end like he closed a door. I waited impatiently for him to say something—anything.

“How am I a ‘dick’?” He asked with a mock at the end, as if he didn’t believe he was a dick. Of course he is! He fucking told Acey Young our problems. A girl I don’t really even like.

“You told Acey about our fight in December,” I sounded bitter and he knows I’m bitter. I hated that fight. I told him that when we made up a few months later. I told him that we should forget what we said. Shit.

“Are you really going to fight with me over the phone about this?” He laughed only making my jaw set as I watched people walk in front of my car, smiling and blabbing away like they had no care in the world. No insecurity. No fucking problems. Jealousy is an understatement right now.

“Of course I’m going to fight with you, over the phone, on this! You told a girl I don’t like our problems, o-our secrets.” I mumbled over the last part and Josh laughed again.

“Just—just come over and we’ll talk about this. I got a bottle of vodka and we can do some shots. Get everything all out.” He sighed. I heard the sigh. Did I say something to offend him? Wouldn’t be the first time.

“Fine,” I hung up after that and started driving towards Josh’s house. I can remember how to get to his house from literally any part of the world. It felt as if a map to Josh is tattooed on my brain. I had the radio on low, some pop station, as I drove through Arizona feeling less calm than I did before. I’m as angry as I am nervous. I pulled into his neighborhood and up to his house, the exact same way it’s always been. Since I could remember being a lowly middle schooler hanging out with a freshman in high school. Josh never cared about our age difference. He just had fun.

What happened?

Growing up happened, I believe, just growing out of awkward prepubescent years and into adulthood. I stopped being flat chested and narrow hipped to curvy and busty. Exactly all the girls that Josh dated, hooked up with or pined after. All instead of me. What made me so different? I would ask myself this all the time. I can feel my nerves filling me as I thought about the past more than the task at hand. I have to talk to Josh. And he wants to get everything out.

He opened the door right after I pressed on the doorbell. His hair set disheveled on his head and he wore glasses slightly askew. His pants were barely hanging on his hips and he’s shirtless. I gave him a once over before looking up at him, licking my lips. “Do you want to go to the basement or stay up here? The ‘rents are out.”

“Basements fine,” Josh nodded, stepping to the side and letting me into the house. He nodded towards the most familiar door in the Montgomery house. The basement door. The one with the broken lock and paint chipping from having a large book thrown at it.

“Go on down, I’ll be there in about five minutes,” I nodded as I opened the door and walked right down. It surprised me. Nothing about it, not the smell or the furniture, is different. The couch still against the wall with two lay-Z-boys on either side. The table filled with various things in front of the couch, I laughed at the ash still all over the table and in the full ashtray.

It was remarkable how Josh didn’t change. Not once. I’d be a fool not to realize this. I’m the one who has changed. That’s why we fought. I changed because I left.

I sat down on the couch, setting my purse down and my phone I placed on the table. Josh came downstairs with two bottles, one of vodka and the other of coke. He sat down next to me, pulled out two red cups and handed me the vodka.

“You used to yell at me about the amount of vodka I use, so I thought you’d like to make your own drink.” Josh explained and I smiled at the sincerity of it. I made my drink with not a lot of vodka and more coke. Josh made his the exact opposite. We both sipped our drinks in silence and the tension filled the room.

After a few minutes, I felt the courage build up but I didn’t look at him. “Why did you tell her about our fight?”

I know he stared at me, his blue eyes burning holes in my face and I still didn’t look at him. He cleared his throat. “Why do you think? I was broken up over it. Cori, you’re my best fucking friend and you said—no you screamed that you never wanted to see my face again. Who else did I have?”

“I don’t fucking know! I never told my roommate about the fight or why I stayed with her every holiday!” I yelled back this time my hazel eyes looking at him. “My roommate, Sarah, became my best friend so fast but I never, ever, told her about that fight.”

I watched his face drop and his eyes adverted to his drink. He took another long sip. His face contorted as he thought about something. Then, as his lips parted, the question hit me like a ton of bricks. “Why did you tell me you never wanted to see me?”

My jaw dropped a little but I composed myself quickly, taking another sip of my drink. “What else should I have said? Why did you call me Ashley?”

“I was fucking drunk, Cori, you’re as tall as Ashley and you have the same body type and I seriously thought she was you. Then when you said ‘excuse me’ I knew it was you. If I could, I’d take it back. If I could, I would have never called you Ashley. Fuck, I would have never gotten drunk!” He admitted and then quickly took another drink. I took one myself.

“You knew how much I hate her and you still called me by her—her name, for fuck’s sake!”

“I regret it Cor! Do you want me to say I’m sorry a million and one times? Do you want me to beg for you forgiveness? Because I will. I thought we got over this months ago on Skype. I thought we mended things. But I’ll keep saying sorry,” he paused and grabbed my chin so I’d look at him. I looked into his eyes. “I’d say sorry forever if it meant keeping you around.”

“Oh who else did you say that too?” I snapped, pulling my head out of his grasp and put more vodka into my drink.

“No one else,” he told me in a defeated tone and I just drank my drink instead of answering. We stayed quiet for a few minutes until Josh got up from the couch. He went rummaging around the basement, I watched him only half interested. My other interest is this alcohol.

Then he returned with a journal, he put it on the table in front of me before pulling a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He lit one up, taking his ash tray and walking away from me. “Read it and understand,” he mumbled and I looked up to see him exhale. I opened the journal to the first page.

It’s the new year and I’m going to write how I feel. That’s what Acey told me to try. So here we go. I miss her. I miss her more than anyone could understand. More than Acey could, anyway. Cori, Cori’s my best friend. She’s been there for me since I was a freshman. She’s the only girl that’s never fluttered in and out of my life, besides my family. She’s the only girl I’ve ever felt this way for and I fucked up. I called her Ashley on accident.

But here’s a secret. Every bit I told her. How beautiful she is. How much I wanted to kiss her. To touch her. To … well you get it. Everything I said to Cori that night, I really meant it for her.

I looked up at Josh with my jaw open, he just gave me a small nod as if to tell me to read more. So I flipped to the next page.

I’ve been sitting here for hours, trying to call her. Something in me snapped. I love her. I love her. I love her. I felt tears start to well up in my eyes, a pain start in my chest and my breathing come out sporadic. I kept on reading.

She answered my Skype call. I could have cried at how beautiful she looked. My best friend looked so good and a part of me couldn’t help but think it’s because I’m not there. I must be poison to her.

“Josh…” I started but he shook his head, putting out the cigarette and lighting another. His face told me so much and so little at the same time. His eyes held a different emotion than his face and his voice only confused me more.

“Keep reading.” He spoke clearly, slowly and it was a definite demand. I just kept reading. Nothing stuck out at me, nothing felt like it was worth reading. Not after he wrote in his own writing that he loves me. Then I got to the last entry. I took a sip of my drink, longer than expected due to nerves and I almost finished it. Josh was on this third cigarette by then.

She’s coming home. What do I do? Do I tell her? Do I jeopardize everything that I’ve ever gone through with her by telling her three words I’ve never told anyone but my mother? God no. She’ll hate me. I’ll scare her away. She doesn’t love me back. Oh God, she’ll never love me back. Not after what I did to her. Not all those girls I’ve flaunted into her face. I’m so stupid. There was nothing else written in the book.

We stared at each other for a while. I had put the book down and made myself another drink. More vodka this time. He stopped smoking cigarettes and drank just straight vodka from the bottle. I had too many questions going on in my head and it only fueled me to drink more. But I broke the tension after finishing another cup. “You should have told me.”

“What? That I’ve been in love with you for years? That’s just unlikely.” He slurred and spat at me but I didn’t take offense.

“I think before Christmas, if you told me, I would have kissed you.” He looked at me with his blue eyes that made me melt. And from here on in, I lied.

“What about now?”

“No, not really. I’ve moved on from liking you Josh.”

“Well cheers then,” he lifted up the bottle and flashed a smile. “To being friends, I hope.” I lifted up my almost empty drink.

“Fill me up and we’re friends again.” We laughed but I felt so fake on the inside.