Gravity Don't Mean Too Much to Me

Gerard stood frozen in the doorway, looking into the distance at something that Lindsey could not see. His eyes were filled with tears, although none left his eyes. Bandit whimpered and held onto her mother’s arm, sensing the atmosphere. Lindsey had completely forgotten about her daughter’s presence until she felt her tap her mother’s arm. Lindsey flinched at the sudden contact, and pulled her eyes from Gerard with great difficulty. Her daughter looked terrified, reflecting exactly how Lindsey felt at that moment.

Lindsey cleared her throat, trying to find the words to tell Bandit that everything would be alright. But she couldn’t promise Bandit that it would all be okay, because she didn’t know what would happen herself. “Go upstairs darling.” She whispered, letting go of her child. Her hands were shaking slightly, and she tried to steady them as she placed a fake smile on her face. “Go back to bed; I’ll come up with you later.”

For a second Bandit hesitated, but then she walked carefully around her frozen father. She looked at her father’s face, taking in his expression. She wanted to say something to comfort him, but no words would leave her lips. Instead, she just gave her father’s hand a small squeeze, and walked upstairs.

Gerard closed his eyes at Bandit’s touch, and Lindsey flinched at his small movement. How was he going to react? He looked petrified, even more so than when he had found out about Bandit. The difference was, she had told him the first time, but this time, he had found out by accident.

“Gerard?” Lindsey croaked, walking a step forwards. “Are you okay?”

She couldn’t think of anything else to say to her husband, he probably hated her for not telling him right away. He looked terrifying, his eyes reopened and she had never seen what she saw in them now. Pure anger. His fist clenched as he began to take deep breathes to calm himself. Lindsey had never seen Gerard so angry, especially with her. They barely ever fought, only arguing once when the paparazzi had almost published a picture of Bandit when she was far too young to be exposed to the media.

“Am I okay?” He breathed. She could hear the anger rising in his voice, and it almost sounded like a snarl. Her eyes filled at his words, and now it was her turn to take deep breathes. He closed the door as gently as he could, and Lindsey knew that they were about to argue. They hated arguing in front of Bandit, not that they fought a lot, but if they ever felt that things were going to get out of hand they would make sure Bandit was no where near.

The room suddenly felt colder to Lindsey, and Gerard took a step forwards. They were a few inches from each other, and Lindsey almost stepped back.

“You’re asking if I’m okay?!” He shouted, making Lindsey jump out of her skin. “You think I would be okay, after everything I just heard?!”

Lindsey quickly went through the conversation with Bandit, and she dreaded to know exactly what he had heard. “What did you hear?” She whispered, blinking away the tears in her eyes.

She heard Gerard sigh. “Everything.” He didn’t shout this time, but this still made her jump. He had heard everything. He had heard her crying, saying that she couldn’t deal with another baby, had seen Bandit cry because of her, had seen Bandit kick her in hatred.

“How could you, Lindsey?” He whispered. A tear trickled down his face. “How could you do this to me?!” He shouted, grabbing a cushion from the couch and throwing it across the room. Lindsey sobbed and shock her head, trying to grab Gerard’s hand.

“I’m sorry!” She cried, but he shrugged her away, walking towards a wall and leaning against it, with his hands pressed to it.

“How dare you apologise to me? After what you’ve done.” He hissed, throwing another cushion. It hit the wall and fell to the floor. Tears were now flowing freely on Lindsey’s face, no doubt smudging her make up. Gerard wasn’t even looking at her. “You sat there, and complained about having another baby. You said you couldn’t handle it, said you couldn’t tell me.”

“But—”

“Why the fuck not?!” He shouted, and Lindsey whimpered. The room echoed him, and his eyes now focused on Lindsey’s. “Why the fuck wouldn’t you tell me?! Have we not been through enough together? Could you not trust me?”

Lindsey made to answer him, but he continued to shout at her. “You’re so selfish, thinking of yourself! What about me? What if I want to be a father to this child? What if I actually care enough to love the baby? But no, Lindsey is worried about herself.” He spat, and his words pierced at her chest. “Worried about how the media will react to a middle aged woman having another baby, worried she won’t be able to take care of this baby, practically saying you don’t want it. Don’t love it.”

“I never said I didn’t love it!” She screamed, and it was her turn to through a cushion at the wall. How could he say something like that?

“You may not have said it in those exact words, but I understood what you meant by ‘I thought I’d had all the children I was going to have. Why does this have to happen?’ You don’t want this baby, and you wonder why Bandit kicked you. I’d be furious if I found out my mother didn’t want me to have another sibling, it’s cruel, sick.” Lindsey sobbed; she just wanted him to comfort her.

“Please, it’s just a shock. I’m not saying I don’t want this one, but do you think it’s fair for the baby when it grows up to know that it’s an accident? You don’t think it will think we love Bandit more?”

His fists clenched again, and he moved closer to Lindsey. “Love Bandit more? I will love all of my children equally, no matter how they were conceived.” He grabbed her hand forcefully, but it didn’t hurt. “Tell me you will love this child, just like you love Bandit. Look me in the eyes and tell me.”

Their faces were just a centimetre apart, and their eyes were almost touching. Lindsey tried not to blink. She wanted him to know that she was telling the truth. “I will love this child just as much as I love Bandit. I will love it with all my heart, no matter what happens. I will treat it just as equally. Just because this one is an accident, doesn’t mean I don’t consider it a miracle.”

Gerard pulled away from her, and faced the wall he had been standing next to. “A miracle?” He whispered.

“Yes. A miracle.” She walked towards him and held his hand. “It’s a miracle that I am still able to have children, at my age. This is our second chance at having another baby.”

For a moment she thought Gerard was smiling, but he pulled his hand away and stalked away from her. “If it’s such a miracle then why the fuck were you crying your eyes out like someone had died?!” He demanded, and Lindsey could see the anger beginning to come back.

“Gerard, I wasn’t expecting to have another baby. I didn’t think it could ever happen. I was so shocked, I didn’t know what to do. We’re old enough to be grandparents. I’m just worried about the baby. What if there’s a complication? Woman of my age that have gotten pregnant have been known to have health issues occur during the pregnancy. Like, I could die giving birth. The baby could have a disability.”

“So what you’re saying is, you’ll treat it differently if it has a disability? Cast it aside if it’s not perfect?!” He screamed. “Is that why you were crying? Because you were worried our baby might be a little bit different? Too much work for poor Lindsey to handle?”

Anger boiled in Lindsey and she stalked over to her husband. “How dare you. I’m not worried about how much work it would be, I’m worried about our child’s wellbeing. Imagine how the media would react, what if it’s made fun of? What if we struggle so much the baby is taken away? And have you even considered how this would all effect Bandit? How would she feel, if we spent all our time on the baby and not her.”

Gerard was silent for a moment. “Have you maybe even considered the possibility that the baby may be perfectly healthy? Have you not considered that Bandit may not get jealous or pushed away? I will never put Bandit last, for anyone.”

Lindsey sniffed, and she saw that Gerard was relaxing. “What about your tour?”

“What about my tour? Fuck my tour. Family comes first. If I have to give up what I love to take care of my children...”

“No!” Lindsey stopped him, and he looked surprised. “You are not going to stop living your dream because of this. We raised Bandit whilst you were working, we can do it again.”

“Then why are you so damn worried about this baby? We’ve both agreed. If the baby has health difficulties we’ll both strive threw it. The media don’t even matter; they’ve never affected us too much before. My tour can continue, I’ll just take a break, like I did with Bandit. And lastly” He attempted to smile. “This is a miracle.”

Lindsey nodded, and sat down on the couch, sensing it was safe to relax. “Are you really ready for this? We’re older than before Gerard.” He sat down beside her and brushed his fingers through his hair, taking hold of her hand.

“We’re in our late forties. There have been older parents.” He smiled, kissing her forehead. “We can do this. There is no other option, we’re having this baby and we’re going to do a fucking great job.”

Bandit found the next day at school extremely hard. The day just seemed to drag on, and people were beginning to notice how tired and upset she was. She had heard her parents arguing the night before, they had never argued like that before. Gerard had gone out early this morning and Lindsey had been in a rush for her latest interview. They had both told her they loved her, but she wasn’t sure how the baby situation had been handled.

“Bandit, do you want to play Killjoys with us?” Sam offered, breaking her from her thoughts. They were on the playground, and it was lunch break. Her friends had been trying to cheer her up all day, although they didn’t know what was wrong. They only ever offered to play Killjoys when she most needed it.

“I don’t really feel like playing today guys.” She smiled as best she could; going back to reading the magazine she had been pretending to read. She was mostly just looking at the pictures.

Sam sat beside her and Angela joined her, and they both looked at the picture with Bandit. A beautiful woman with thick eye liner and lipstick was posing on the page. Her legs looked perfect and her skin showed no flaws. Her nails were long and her hair blew beautifully across the page. It was an advertisement for a new shampoo.

Bandit sighed. She would never be as beautiful as her. “Isn’t she pretty?” Bandit asked her friends, and Sam snorted.

“Pretty? She’s obviously been airbrushed, just look at her.” Bandit laughed, she was right. All models looked this way. They were fake. “Why would you want to look like that? I bet she’s had plastic surgery too.”

Bandit looked back at the picture. She couldn’t help but still feel jealous of her. She looked pretty, even if she had had plastic surgery. She ripped out the picture and put it in her pocket. She didn’t know why she did it, but she knew she wanted it. Maybe she would ask Ross would he thought? Did Ross prefer women like this?

The bell rang and the three girls got up. “I don’t think she was that pretty. She’s not very natural, like us.” Angela smiled, and Bandit felt much better.

When they had reached the school building Bandit felt a buzzing in her pocket. Her phone began to make a loud noise, and she panicked. They weren’t allowed cell phones in school, if you were seen with one you’d have it confiscated. Angela pulled her into the girl’s toilet, with Sam following close behind.

“Thanks” Bandit breathed, pulling out her phone. It was her mother.

Meet Frank at the usual place after school. You’ll be going to his this afternoon. I’ll pick you up at around half eight, so you’ll be having dinner there. Cherry and Lily are excited to see you. When you get home, we’ll have a chat. I love you. Stay safe.

At least she would be seeing Uncle Frank today. He always cheered her up, and she hadn’t seen Cherry and Lily for at least two weeks. She smiled and replied to her mother. At least she could have some peace and quiet for a little while.