Wonderland

The snow had long since melted away to nourish the baking crust of earth that served for a yard around the split level house. Despite that fact, he hadn't stopped wearing the thick dark pants he had worn that December. His only concession to the changing of the months had been to take off the dark matching sweater. He would have kept it in wait for a cold day or night, but it had been spirited away from his room. Another of their attempts to bring him back. He found it odd, when he thought about it, that they couldn't see the truth of the matter. They loved to lie to him, tell him that they understood. Once he had even believed them.

Some days he wished he could.

The phone in his lap vibrated to life letting out an unusually bright tune that drew a lazy and disdainful eye. There were days when he simply ignored the demanding and irritating noise that emanated from the phone. Other days he feigned a care and would listen to the calls or read the texts. He never replied though. It made him wonder why they even bothered to try and communicate. It seemed like a waste of time and effort on their part. Then again, it was their time and effort to waste.

Who was he to judge?

Today was a day to pick up the phone. The voice on the other end seemed to be ecstatic about the fact that he could hear her. "God Rick! I've been trying to call you every day for the last month! Why haven't you answered? I've been worried sick about you! You won't answer your door, I have stacks of mail for you and the electric company says that they're going to turn off the power soon if someone doesn't pay the bill-"

"Sleigh bells right, are you listening, in the lane snow is glistening..."

"Rick? What the hell are you doing?" she asked in exasperation. "Can't you just talk to me please? I miss you Rick...we all do? And you're killing yourself. Can't you see that?"

"A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, walking in a winter wonderland..."

The song was soft and breathy. It was his way of saying everything that he needed to say. He wondered if she even knew that. Thinking about it, she probably didn't and more was the pretty when she had once known him so well. "Don't you see what you're doing to everyone?" her voice was almost as soft as his song now. "We need you back Rick. We can't lose you too..."

"Gone away is the blue bird, he sings a little song as we go along, walking in a winter wonder...in the meadow...we can build a snowman..."

"Godammit Rick!" she finally snapped. "Will you stop singing that song? I can't stand it! Stop it...please...just...come back to us..."

"And pretend....that he is Parson Brown..."

"Are you even listening to me anymore?" her voice had taken on a slightly defeated tone.

It was her turn to sigh this time. How could he explain it all to her? He couldn't...he really couldn't. "What good does listening do when you can't understand what a person is really saying?" He finally asked. The words took her by surprise if the silence on the other end of the line was anything to judge by. "Exactly," the word was curt and harsh unlike the question had been just moments ago.

"Rick wait!" she begged. "Please...I just...I just want to talk. I miss you. Maybe...maybe I could come over and you could let me in. We wouldn't have to do anything. I promise...I just...I just want to see you again."

He allowed the silence to stretch between them. What would it be like to have someone back in the house? Would it be worth it? No, he wouldn't be able to handle it. He wasn't going to lie for them anymore. It was why he was locked away slowly dying. Maybe today would be the last day. "Don't bother Megan," he finally answered. "I won't be here if you do come."

He killed the call and allowed his head to fall back against the wall. The first expected call from her came a few seconds later. He could almost see her running around her apartment frantically searching for her car keys and purse. She would likely leave the purse if she couldn't find it in a time she felt was quick enough. He stood up and left the phone on the bed and shuffled out into the dirt and dust covered house.

A sneeze greeted the clouds that lifted from the ground to greet him. He shook his head to dispel any of the dust that dared to settle in his nose or around his face. She would be running out of the house now, frantically digging through her keys and pawing at the door. He took his time moving down the hall and the stairs. He had been planning this for so long but he had hoped that maybe he could just...maybe he could just die slowly like he deserved.

Pausing at the bottom of the stairs, his eyes fixed on the picture at the end of the hall. The people, happy, smiling. He was smiling standing behind the two women who had once meant everything to him. One had died from cancer at Thanksgiving. The other...

He felt a tear bite its way down his cheek. If he hadn't been driving so fast. If he had been wearing his seat belt. If he had done so many other things, he might have saved her. Or maybe he could have died instead. He couldn't change the past but he could at least accept his punishment. It was something that he planned to do without regret at he moved down the hall and stopped in front of the picture. His fingers reached out and brushed the glass over the older woman and his lips settling on the younger.

"When forever is through...you'll be over me...you'll forgive me," he whispered. He forced himself to look away and walked into the garage. The car that sat there had long since been repaired and cleaned leaving no evidence of the damage that had been done to it several months before. He hadn't touched it since they had parked it in the garage. It was only fitting that he use it to end everything.

The keys lay on the driver's seat waiting for him. His bony fingers curled around the door handle and pulled it open. He took the keys before sliding into the seat. Reaching up, he pressed the garage door opened and started the car. He waited until the garage was fully open before closing the door and buckling himself in for once. "Where are we going Rick?"

He looked over at Marissa looking the same as she had that day. Her blonde hair spilled from under a pink knit cap that matched the gloves her grandmother had made for her a month before she had died. "It's a surprise," he admitted with a smile.

Her laughter was contagious and he couldn't help but laugh with her even though he couldn't have said why. "I love surprises. Should I close my eyes?"

His heart ached as he closed his eyes. "Yes...close your eyes," he whispered. Pulling out of the driveway, he closed the garage door just as he had that day. "You're going to love this surprise." He didn't feel the tears rolling down his cheek and striking his chest as he drove away from the house. In his mind, it was a cold December day. Christmas was on the way and Marissa was singing Winter Wonderland.