Pride

The next two days of skiing is awkward and I feel like a complete asshole. Although I feel this way, I say nothing. There is no way in hell I’m apologizing. I’m just not doing it and I have a feeling that Kai is thinking the same way I am. In his mind he probably hasn’t done anything wrong and so he won’t apologize. I don’t even know what I want him to apologize for. Is that what I really want him to do or is it something else?

I’m not sure. All I know is that Sunday night when we arrive home, we still haven’t made up. Shania and my parents watch as Kai goes to his apartment, slamming the door behind him while I walk to ours and slam my bedroom door behind me.

I can just imagine Kai in his room right now. He’s probably sitting on his bed, his suitcase lying on the floor. He’s probably chewing on his lip or nails while trying to use his brain to find a way to fix all this. Or maybe he doesn’t want to fix it? Maybe he wants our friendship to end so he doesn’t feel guilty for hanging out with Garrett more than me.

Hell, that might not even be it. I’m not even sure if he feels guilty at all. I mean, why would he? Boyfriend trumps best friend, right? At least, that’s what it seems to be in Kai’s world. Sighing, I fall back onto my bed and as I do so, I grab a pillow to throw over my face.

I scream. I scream as loudly as I can and cuss every single person, every single thing on the planet. I feel like such an idiot. I’ve been thinking that Kai is the one to ruin our friendship and I just said it again, that I think he wants to ruin it but…I’m the one that really is ruining it, aren’t I?

I’m just being a jerk. I’ve said things I shouldn’t. I’m acting like such a dick. I’m acting like a girl, complaining about everything and thinking about things that really shouldn’t matter at all. I mean, Kai had every reason to keep his thoughts a secret from me. Yeah, we’ve told each other everything but even best friends keep secrets every now and then. It’s in human nature.

There is no need for me to let my pride over take me. I get it, I’m a guy. Pride is one of the most important things in my life. My pride is…it’s just something that I have and often let it take control of me in times that it really shouldn’t. I need to push my pride aside and just…tell Kai I’m sorry.

But I can’t. Shit, I just can’t.

The phone ringing brings me back to reality. I roll out of bed when I hear mother shouting that it’s for me. I debate on not answering it because there’s a chance it’s Kai but something is telling me that it isn’t. Sighing, I answer, “Hello?”

“What the hell were you thinking!?”

“Mindy, sweetheart, as much as I love to hear your voice there is no need to scream!” Of course me screaming does nothing but I felt that it was necessary. She blew out my ear drums so I was returning the favor.

“Don’t even give me that, Shiloh. I just got off the phone with Kai a second ago and that poor boy is practically falling apart because of what you said. What the hell were you thinking you little shit? I should come over there right now and rip your throat out with my bare hands, you insolent little twerp!”

Maybe I would have cowered in fear at the tone of Mindy’s voice and the fact that I know she will go through with her threat but I am too busy focusing on the fact that Kai talked to Mindy. That means Mindy has his number…since when? Kai and Mindy only hung out during school or with me. Oh…there is yet another secret?

“Since when did you have Kai’s number?” I ask, completely ignoring her threat although it is in the back of my mind.

Mindy huffs angrily, “Since you two started fighting. I gave Kai my number and said if he ever wanted to talk he could. And so I did try to call you to ask how the weekend went but your phone was off so I tried Kai and the moment I asked he started crying and stuttering like a blundering idiot about how you were a complete ass!”

“He…was crying?” There’s a tightening in my stomach. Suddenly, I don’t feel so good. I feel sick.

“Yes! The entire time we were talking. I don’t know what you two talked about but he informed me that you didn’t take it so well and yelled at him and now he doesn’t know what to do. This may shock you Shiloh but Kai is your best friend and you need to start treating him like one.”

A guilty sensation. A sickening, gut wrenching feeling. How else could I describe it? This feeling that makes it way inside me.

“I…I do treat him like my best friend.”

“Like hell you do! Go over and push your damn pride aside and apologize to him. Apologize right now or I swear you will regret this forever. No one can take care of Kai like you can and no one can handle you like Kai does. You two are just meant to be together!”

Together. For some reason that word makes me shiver. But it’s the truth. So many times I have tried to make friends and so did Kai. Not because we wanted to get rid of each other but just because, but it never worked out. No one could handle my snappy attitude and no one could handle Kai’s shy nature. We’ve always been together and…and it really should stay that way because Kai and I…we’re just meant to be.

“Yeah…you are right, aren’t you?” I find myself laughing as I begin to realize just how stupid I’ve been.

“I’m always right.” Mindy sounds way too confident but I decide it’d be better not to tease her right now. She’s probably still mad about fucking up with Kai.

Sighing, I thank Mindy for talking some sense into me and hang up. My hand lingers on the phone while I try to think over what to say to Kai. I don’t feel like an I’m sorry is going to cut it. Kai is my best friend. I feel like he deserves more than that but I really have no other idea what to say.

Working up all the courage I have, I push my pride to the very back of my mind and walk out onto my balcony. Quietly, I climb from mine to his and thankfully his curtains are halfway closed so he has no time to rush and lock the doors so I can’t make it in. The moment I open it Kai lifts his head from his pillow and the shitty feeling in my gut only gets worse.

He looks as shitty as I feel. Kai frowns and buries his face in his pillow again while mumbling, “Fuck off.”

Hearing him cuss makes me smile. Although it signals that he’s mad I just can’t help it. Kai rarely cusses, let alone says fuck. It’s kind of…dare I say this…cute. Grinning, I walk over to his side and sit on the edge of the bed. By the tensing of his shoulders I know that he doesn’t appreciate it.

“You know…I was a jerk back at the cabin.”

“You’re always a jerk,” he says, voice muffled by the pillow.

“Yeah…you’re right but…I said a lot of things that I shouldn’t and really didn’t mean. I…I guess what I’m trying to say is…I’m sorry, Kai. I’m really fucking sorry ok.” And I don’t think he realizes how sorry I am. I don’t think I can explain how terrible I feel. There is no way to put this feeling inside me into words. It’s just so terrible that all I can do is hope and pray for him to forgive me. If he doesn’t…I really don’t know what I’ll do.

The silence is unnerving so when Kai finally speaks, the weight disappears from my shoulders. “I know…I k-know you didn’t mean it but you were s-such an ass, Shiloh!”

Kai finally sits up but still doesn’t face me. He’s angry and I sit here and wait patiently for what I deserve. When his fist makes contact with my cheek I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel like punching him back. Instead, I smile and ask, “Feeling better?”

“No.” Kai throws his arms around me and buries his face in my chest. He’s crying again and I sigh just like I always do when he acts this way. It’s just the way we are and always will be but I smile as I speak.

“You really are useless.”

“And y-you’re really a jerk. I hate you.”

“Liar.”

“No need to b-be so blunt about it.”

The two of us laugh and…and shit it feels great to have Kai back. I don’t want to ever lose him again.