Pride

Shit.

Shit.

Shit!

What does one say in a situation like this? What does one do? I mean…fuck. I never imagined Kai getting a girlfriend. All my life I could never see Kai with a girl. I couldn’t imagine him holding hands with one, kissing one, dating one. It just never came to my mind, not once. It didn’t seem right, like it just wasn’t his thing…but that doesn’t mean I ever thought of him being with a guy.

Kai is just Kai. I guess you could say that I’ve never imagined him with anyone. Even now to think of him going out with a guy is just weird. Not in the disgusting kind of weird but in a…Kai just isn’t like that kind of weird. I’m not really sure how I can explain it. I just feel like Kai can’t belong to any man or woman. He only belongs to me.

I can’t keep thinking about this though. I haven’t even said anything to Kai. He has finally told me what’s going on and I’m just sitting here, staring at him like an idiot. A part of me is really pissed at knowing that this is what he’s been acting so strange about. I understand why he’d have such a hard time telling me. Any guy would be worried about telling his friend something like this. But shit, Kai doesn’t think so lowly of me that I would just kick aside our friendship because of this, right?

I can’t really think of something to say to make him feel all right so I just blurt out whatever comes first. “You are the biggest dumbass I have ever met in my life. How anyone thinks you are smart is beyond me!”

“S-Shiloh, this is serious! Stop saying that-”

“No!” I huff and jump out of bed. I’m scratching my fingers through my hair when I notice the distressed look on Kai’s face. Shit. I didn’t mean for him to take it like that. I should say something else, he thinks I’m meaning something bad. “I’m not mad because of that, Kai. I’m pissed that you didn’t talk to me about it sooner. I’m your best friend, aren’t I? I’ve told you everything yet…yet you kept that a secret from me.”

I’m sure my parents heard what I had just said but right now, I don’t care. I needed to get that through Kai’s thick skull. Said boy pouts and looks away at me, ashamed. “Sorry…I w-was just scared that y-you’d hate me.”

“I get that. It’s understandable that you’d be worried about it. I mean, hell, if you weren’t I really would question your intelligence but damn it! We’ve been best friends forever and we’re going to stay that way no matter what, all right? I don’t care if you’re bi, gay, tranny or whatever. You are Kai and…and Kai is my best friend because he’s Kai. Now prepare yourself for an ass kicking because I said a shit ton of embarrassing things and I need to take my anger and frustration out on you.” I am panting by the time I’ve finished talking. Kai seems beyond shocked. His black eyes are wide and his jaw dropped. He looks like he has seen the most amazing thing in the world.

Kai smiles like an idiot as my words slowly sink into his head. Once he realizes that yes, I’m completely serious and I honestly don’t care if he’s gay or not, he jumps. I am being held against him in no time and I feel my cheeks heating up quickly but for some reason I’m not pushing him away. His arms are wrapped tightly around me and I can just feel how grateful he is to have heard what I said just through his touch.

“Thanks, Shiloh. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything…I should have known better,” he whispers into my hair, his hot breath sending a shiver down my spine that I ignore with all my might.

Swallowing the lump in my throat I manage to stutter, “Y-Yeah…you s-should have.”

Kai is still smiling. I can feel it against the top of my head. He hasn’t made any move to let go of me but I haven’t made one to say that I want him to. I’m about to rest my arms around his waist when he decides to drop yet a second bomb on me tonight.

“Shiloh I’m uh…the r-reason we h-haven’t hung out is b-because I’m…dating Garrett.”

…

“What?” Finally, I shove Kai away. With my hand pressed firmly against his chest, I glare up at him. There must be hell burning in my eyes because I swear Kai just pissed himself. “You are…dating Garrett?”

Kai nods.

“For how long?”

“Um…I-it should be a-about three months now…”

Which means it has been basically since this all began. That means Kai has been thinking he’s been gay longer than I originally thought. When he told me he was pretty sure he’s gay I thought that meant he has been questioning himself recently. If he is already dating someone though--someone I don’t know--that means he has been thinking for some time about this. How long has he been keeping this a secret from me?

“That means you’ve been questioning your sexuality for some time now, right?” I ask through clenched teeth. I am acting like such an ass right now. I will definitely regret it in the morning but you know what? I don’t give a fuck!

Kai bites his lip and brings a hand up to wrap around my wrist. I tense under his touch and he notices so he begins to rub my skin with his thumb. “I…to be honest I-I have b-been thinking about it f-for years but I didn’t want to say anything u-unless I was sure! And so Garrett…h-he’s gay and I mean we get along and he isn’t a-a bad guy so I thought it w-was the perfect chance. I swear I w-was going to tell you…I just w-wanted to make sure first.”

I rip my wrist from his grasp and huff, “So what does that mean? You’re still not sure? Have you and Garrett…” I don’t know how to ask. I really should just ask have you had sex? but I feel disgusted at the thought. I don’t know why. I honestly don’t feel disgusted at knowing Kai may be gay but I feel angry knowing he’s dating Garrett. Maybe it’s because he’s my best friend and I know nothing about this guy? Yeah, that’s probably it.

Kai’s eyes go wide and by the reddening of his cheeks I get my answer. Snickering, I sigh some of the agitation away. “I take that as a no…have you two done anything more than kissing?”

When I see him nod I don’t know what comes over me. I feel like screaming. I want to grab him and…and…and what? I don’t even know. I don’t feel like hitting him. I feel like hitting Garrett. No, I want to kill him. I just want to bash him over the head with a shovel, toss him in my trunk, drive to a garbage dump and bury him under all the shit. Why? But why? Why do I care so much? I shouldn’t. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t.

“And WVU?” I’m feeling bitter, incredibly bitter. “Did you decide to go there because of Garrett? You want to get away from me or something and live with your boyfriend in some other state!”

“It’s n-not like that, really.” Kai looks as if he’s on the verge of tears. My gut is twisting in the most uncomfortable of ways and I can’t keep myself from saying things that would make Kai squirm.

“Not like that? Don’t give me your bullshit Kai. Now that you have yourself a boyfriend you’re leaving me behind. What happened to best friends forever, huh? I’ve never got myself a girlfriend always hung out with you because I actually give a damn about our friendship. I’m always watching over you and taking care of you yet you keep such stupid secrets from me and now you’re ready to leave me once you found someone else. Well fuck you! You really are an idiot.”

I regret what I said as soon as I say it but I don’t take it back. I don’t apologize or say anything more because of my pride. My pride is telling me that I had every right to say that to him. He’s the one who asked for it because of the way he’s been acting, because of what he’s been doing behind my back. Although his eyes are watering and I can see him trying his best not to let them fall, I just turn away and get in my bed.

I don’t bother saying anything more to him. I shut off the light on the bedside table and close my eyes. My heart is telling me to fix things before it gets too bad but my pride won’t let me.