You Are Allowed to Be Happy

I kicked my boot angrily against the dirt, willing my tears to stop falling. I was angry at everything. I was angry at that stupid Doni kid for blabbing his god damn mouth. I was even angrier at him for knowing in the first place. I was angry at myself for getting all worked up. However I was mostly angry with Kenneth for causing me this problem first. If he would’ve just stayed I’d be fine. I remember my mom putting me in therapy after it happened. According to the shrink, I’d probably be emotionally damaged for my entire life.

Now that I’m actually thinking about it, is this what she meant? Treating every guy I’d ever met, sans Dylan, like something to be looked down upon. Or maybe she meant the fact that I’m still not over it. You’d think after twelve years, not having a father would’ve been something I can just brush off. But no, I have nightmares and I wake up screaming. I’m angry almost ninety percent of the time, and I don’t know why. I treat everyone around me like they don’t deserve my presence, when a lot of them have never even done anything to me.

“I’m so damaged,” I sobbed, sitting down against a tree. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, laying my head against my knees.

I could feel the images coming on, and I did nothing to stop them.

I was six, and I probably shouldn’t have even been up that late. Mommy had told me that since I’d been a good girl, helping her out with my new baby brother, I could stay up for a little bit and watch cartoons.

I could hear mommy and daddy talking in the kitchen. Daddy was using his angry voice, and Mommy sounded like she was crying. She was yelling at him now and she sounded so sad.

I turned around, so I could see them, but they couldn’t see me.

“I just need space Samantha.”

“How much more space do you need?! You go to work and spend all day there, you come home and you go to your office. You don’t even speak to your daughter, who sits and waits for you to come home. You don’t go anywhere near your newborn son’s room. I don’t even ask questions, but this is just ridiculous. What am I supposed to tell her when she wakes up in the morning and Daddy’s not here for breakfast?”

“I just can’t be here anymore. I need to go and live my life. Here I’m tied down, with you and the kids. I love you, all three of you, but I feel like I’m living in four walls that just keep getting closer and closer. If I don’t get out now I’m gonna suffocate.”

I didn’t hear any other words after that. I got down off the couch and went to where our front door was. I stood there and watched daddy come down the stairs with a case in his hand.

“Daddy are you doing to work?” I asked.

“No sweetheart, Daddy’s leaving home for a little while. But I want you to know that I love you and your brother very much, and that it’s not your fault okay.”

“Can I come with you daddy? I want to be with you,” I plead.

He picked me and hugged me, his hand smoothing over my red hair. He rocked me back and forth in his arms, squeezing me against him.

“Babygirl, I love you, but you can’t come with me. Daddy has to go be alone for a little bit. I promise I’ll come back. I just need to go.”

“Daddy please, don’t go. I love you. Is it me? I’ll do better in first grade, I’ll do my work, I’ll even eat all of my vegetables like you ask… Just please don’t leave me.”

I’d started crying at this point. He set me down on the floor. I started jumping up and down, grabbing for him.

“I have to go babygirl, but I’m coming back I promise. I love you.” He kissed my forehead and picked his case back up, saying one last I love you, before walking out the door.

“Liar!” I screamed, more tears falling down my face. I sat there, cursing my father for about five more minutes before I decided to suck it up.

I took a deep breath, willing my tears to stop. I let out the breath and stood up. I wiped my hands on my dress. I wiped my eyes and took a couple more deep breaths to compose myself.

I walked back to my car and got in, starting it up. I reached behind me to turn my phone back on. I had helly missed calls from Dylan and Cassidy, a voicemail or two as well. I looked at the top of my screen to see what time it was. My eyes widened and I tossed my phone into the passenger seat, and booked it out of where I was at.

“Fuck me… in the ear!”