Ready When You Are

"Thanks for the ride, Gare.”

I sent Garrett a sweet smile. The entire car ride had been silent beside for Nirvana playing in the car stereo and Garrett tapping his fingers to the beat of the drum. I didn’t want to talk. I wasn’t sure what to say. I needed to think. And thinking didn’t come easily when Garrett was in eyeshot.

“Oh!” Garrett said as I closed the car door. “I’ll walk you up!”

Ugh.

“Okay.” I faked another smile, picking up my bags as Garrett opened the door to my complex for me.

Walking up the stairs Garrett rambled on, mainly to himself as I nodded my head. I hated how rude I was being to him, but I just needed to be alone.

“I’ll talk to you later Gare.” I said as we reached my door, opening it slowly.

Garrett grabbed the handle and looked at the floor, not meeting my eyes.

“Is everything okay Kenley? You seem uh, upset.” He rubbed the back his neck and sighed, looking up at me with those greenish blue eyes that sent me reeling.

“I’m fine.” I lied. “Just a little tired.”

He shook his head. “Are you sure? Cause last night you seemed happy-”

“I was, Gare. I was really, really happy. But I’m just not sure if,” I paused, “What are we doing?”

Garrett leaned against the wall silently, biting his lip and pulling at his dark green t-shirt nervously. I could tell he didn’t know what to say. But neither did I. Because Garrett and I weren’t really anything.

“I like you Kenley.” He sighed again. “I like you a lot.”

My mouth opened but nothing came out.

Garrett went on,

“And I know you like me too.” He said shortly. “Things are easy with you, Lee. You just made it so simple to forget about everything-”

“Maybe that’s not good-”

“Hell yeah it’s good. It’s great.”

I shook my head slowly as Garrett took my head and pulled me closer to him.

“I have a boyfriend, Garrett.”

He kissed me on the forehead. “He doesn’t care about you half as much as I do, you know that.”

“Gare-”

“He doesn’t see you like I do.”

Garrett met my eyes and held my hand softly. The look in his eyes made me want to press my lips again his. It made me want to call him mine. But I couldn’t leave Brendan. I was cheating on him right now. I was doing exactly what Sara had down to Garrett.

“I can’t.” I shook my head. “Garrett I’m cheating on him. Do you realize this is what Sara did to you? We can’t do this.”

“You’re wrong.” He shook his head. “I loved her. I gave her anything. Brendan treats you like utter crap and you deserve so much better-”

“I just can’t, I’m sorry.”

“Then break up with him.”

I looked at him slowly, his eyes locked on the ground as he softly spoke those words. How could he even say that?

“It’s not that easy I’ve been with him for years-”

“Lee please just listen to me-”

“No, Garrett please leave.”

Garrett looked up at me as I nodded, the tears coming to my eyes. He took a step forward and I shook him off, avoiding every touch and every time he looked at me. I couldn’t do this. This was wrong. It shouldn’t feel right.

“I’m sorry Lee.”

“Just go please.”

Garrett took a step back towards the stairs, his eyes locked to the floor. “Can I call you?”

“I don’t know.” I said softly.

He shook his head as his foot hit the first step. “Why can’t you just let me love you?”

My face shot up to meet his and I wiped the tears out of my eyes.

“What?” I asked.

“Lee I lo-”

“Don’t say that.” I shook my head.

Garrett looked at the ground again. “I mean it.”

“You don’t love me. We’re not together.”

“We should be.”

I shook my head quickly. “You need to leave.”

He nodded and walked down one more step before looking up at me one last time, my body leaning against my door way as the tears started to fall. He couldn’t be in love with me. I had a boyfriend. We were not going to work right now. My heart ached more than it had in my entire life. I hated what I was doing. I hated having to push him away.

“I love you.” He said quietly as he looked back down the stairs and continued down.

I opened my door once he was out of shot, praying that Brendan was not here to hear any of the conversation I just had. I sniffled and tried to wipe the tear stains off my cheeks.

“Brendan?”

Silence. Not even a shuffle. No sigh. Nothing.

I sighed and walked into the kitchen slowly. On the cabinet was a note written in his hand writing. I picked it off and read:

Tour longer than expected. Few more shows in Utah. See you soon, Brendan.

I leaned against the counter and trembled a little. This afternoon could not have gone worse. I hated the feeling in the pit of my stomach. The ache in my chest boomed as I walked over to the window and saw a bright yellow car backing out of the parking lot. Garrett was gone. I had pushed him away after he told me he loved me.

Never had I loathed myself so much.

Because by pushing him away, I may have just lost him for good. I had just broken Garrett’s heart.

The worst part was that I hadn’t been entirely truthful. I hadn’t said everything I needed to.

I knew. I was in love with Garrett Nickelsen.