Senseless, Really

You think about it all the time. It eats at your brain and you fantasize about it the way teenagers fantasize about sex.

You play it out in your mind, and you think you're ready. You think it'll be nothing. But you're wrong.

There is a difference. In your fantasies you can wake up whenever you want and be alive. In real life you don't have that option. Once it's done, it's done. You die. There is no waking. You won't have eyes to see or a mouth to scream because you won't have a body. You have nothing when you're dead.

But that's just what you always wanted, right? That's why you're doing it. You want nothing in your brain, no mind to think and no body to feel. The definition of dead.

You don't want to be relevant, you don't want to exist anymore. You want to jump in front of this train and never laugh or talk or cry again.

But you're here now, and things aren't like how you imagined they'd be. You didn't think it would be this scary, you didn't think you'd really be doing it. But you are.

You can feel the shuddering of the ground beneath you. You're sweating because the sun is beating down on you like a senseless fire.

I really hope you know what you are doing, Patty. What you are leaving behind and how many people will hate you for this, will cry and hurt and still have to be alive with you dead.

But you stay where you are, even as the noise grows louder and the flutter in your chest starts to drench you.

And then it kills you.

And I guess I get it. I mean, I'm you. I know you had your reasons and I know the feeling was too much for you to take. But god, if you had just waited. If you had just hung in there a little longer maybe you could have seen the future that I see.

You could have become a writer. You could have lived in that crap apartment you always wanted with a comic store down the street and punk music blaring from the house next door. You could have had that. You could have fallen in love with him.

You would have looked back at this moment, and thought, I'm so glad I didn't end my life then. I'm so glad I was brave.

But you're not brave. You're just dead now. And if you think people will always remember you, you're wrong. As more years go by, you'll be only thought of sometimes. Is that what you want? To be thought of only sometimes when you could be thought of a lot more?

I guess you really didn't care about that part. I mean, I know you didn't. You weren't concerned about that at all, but you'd care if your mind wasn't so fucked up.

But with all that, you did one thing brilliantly.

Your last thought, it was beautiful. And Patty, you could have had that, you know. It could have happened.

It did happen, in the world where you didn't stand in front of a fucking train. It happened and it was even more amazing than you could ever imagine.

I bet you feel real sorry now. Death isn't better, is it? You'd rather have that.

But too late. All you have now is the thought. And that will have to do.

See you soon,

me.