Let The Walls Break Down

Christmas passed and so did our three year engagement anniversary. Things got better between us but now we were going on a European tour with All Time Low and I could already foresee bad things happening. Holden was staying with my parents because he was still too young to be travelling. We were standing in front of the terminal and we were embracing.

“I miss your old hair.”

“My old hair?” He asked, looking at me and smiling.

“Yeah, like back when we started dating. The long messy hair.”

“That was so hard to maintain. That’s why I cut it. That, and I look more sophisticated with my hair cut.” I ran my fingers through his hair as he laced his fingers through mine on my other hand. “I’ll keep that in mind though.” We boarded the plane and later rather than sooner we were in Dublin but the first show wasn’t for another couple of days. We were supposed to meet All Time Low at this pub somewhere in the city but I had a feeling John didn’t want to go.

“What’s going to happen?” I asked as he became solemn in the hotel room. “This tour, with Rian.”

“Hopefully I will never have the displeasure to interact with him. If I do, I’ll probably punch him or spit on him or something.” He moved the suitcase that was on the bed to the floor. “I don’t want you interacting with him either. It’s just going to make the whole situation worse. I don’t care if you’re just going to ask him how his day is, I know his type. He wants something more than just a ‘hey what’s up.’”

“He’s like one of my closest friends…”

“Holly, please. Just don’t make this harder than it already is.” He walked over to me and lightly placed his hand on the side of my neck. “I don’t want to lose you. Don’t make me regret bringing you here.”

I grasped his arm that was on me. “John…”

“If you would have just told me you were talking to Rian again, none of this would have happened. You would be open about everything and you would have never sent him something you’d regret. Now, please. Just don’t see him.”

“Okay John. You have my word.”

I felt like I was on lockdown. We stayed in the hotel by ourselves for hours until Jared, Kennedy, Alex, and Zack came in.

“Are you guys staying in this hotel?” John asked Alex.

“No, we’re down the street. We just wanted to come by and hang out.”

Alex and Zack gave me hugs (actually Zack’s was a bear hug) and he put me back down and took my phone. “I wanna see Holden,” he said and started looking through pictures.

As I was looking at them with him, I started missing him like crazy. I kind of wished I had stayed and made everything a whole lot easier. “You look like you didn’t just give birth a couple months ago,” Alex said. “You’re as small as I last saw you. How’d you get back in shape?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “When you have a kid, sometimes you forget to eat and sometimes you’re just so busy you don’t eat at all. And I’m constantly worn down.”

“I never saw you pregnant. I bet you looked fuckin’ weird,” Alex said and smiled and John laughed slightly. “Got any pictures, John?” He pulled out his phone and showed him a picture of me and him at graduation and one when we were in Puerto Penasco and I was wearing a green two piece. “Damn, I was right. That’s probably as close to fat as you’ll ever get.” I smirked and shoved him.

“John! He’s making fun of me,” I said and crawled onto the bed next to him.

“When are you guys getting married?” Alex asked and sat on the couch next to the TV.

“April 12,” I said and hugged John. “And yes, you guys are invited. The invitations will be sent out in two months.”

“It better be so beautiful that I cry.”

****

It was the day of the first show and I was nervous to be seeing Rian for the first time in a long time. I don’t know what will happen today and that scared the living shit out of me. I had obeyed John’s rules by not texting him anymore and that was easy…1000+ miles away. Now he was here and I know he wanted to see me and talk to me. Sure enough, he found me when The Maine went on to play their set.

“Holly…” I heard behind me and at first I was cold, but when I turned around I couldn’t help but to wrap my arms around him and we embraced for a good five minutes. “I miss you. Why did you stop texting?” He pulled back to look at me.

“You made me get into some trouble with John and he didn’t want me to text you anymore.”

“You let him tell you what to do?”

“I love him…I want to be with him…I’m not going to let some stupid incident come between us more than it already has.”

We started walking and he had his arm draped around me. “I’m stupid?”

“What was going on between us was stupid. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“You were thinking that you wanted to be with me too.”

“Rian, stop. This has already gone too far.”

He stopped and put his hands on my shoulders. “You can’t stand there and tell me that you don’t feel something for me too.”

I looked at him for a while. “Fine. I like you. Are you happy?”

“Not yet.” He put his hand lightly on my chin and brought my face to his and kissed me. This time I didn’t protest; I put my arms around him. For thirty seconds, I forgot about John. I forgot about Holden. I forgot about all the things he’s put me through. I was brought back to our first kiss and how good it felt to be kissing him. I didn’t want to break apart. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want the consequences. We finally did break apart and he looked into my eyes and found something he was looking for: my feelings. “Now I’m happy.” He left then and I found myself touching my lips at sheer awe. Then all the logic that fell out crept its way back into my head and I felt guiltier now more than ever.

This was every day. While The Maine was playing, we’d go off somewhere and just kiss. We’d never make out; he’d just hold my hand and kiss me. It felt so good because it finally felt like we were a couple. Only we were both in committed relationships. On one of the last show dates, we were sitting in one of the back lounges by ourselves.

“I’m breaking up with Cassadee.”

“What? Why?” I asked, stunned he’d ever consider that.

“Are we just going to be this?”

“Yes!”

He sat forward on the couch and let out a sigh. “Holly, come on. You’re killing me here. I don’t understand you. Here we are and you still want to go back to John.”

“Because I’m going to marry him.”

“Would it kill you to try me out before you’re not single anymore?”

“We have been trying it Rian.”

“And you haven’t enjoyed it?”

“I have, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that…”

“It would be better if we didn’t have to worry about anyone finding out.”

I thought about it for a minute. “Yes. Yes it would.”

“Now, would you rather be with him or me?”

I didn’t answer for a long time. “Well it would drive me crazy to be married and think back to what could have been…”

--John--

I saw them together. From the first show, I saw them kiss. And I’ve seen them almost every day. We were done with our set and when I asked where Holly was, they pointed me in the direction of the back lounge. I hoped nothing was going on in there. I stood by the door and I could hear them talking in there. “It would be better if we didn’t have to worry about anyone finding out,” I heard Rian say.

“Yes. Yes it would.” My worst fears confirmed. She didn’t want me anymore.

“Now, would you rather be with him or me?” Holly didn’t speak for what seemed like a minute. If she had to think about it this hard, there was no point in me holding onto her any longer. She’s obviously torn in her decision and I should make it easy on her and let her go.

“Well it would drive me crazy to be married and think back to what could have been…” It was almost as if I could hear my own heart breaking. I tried my hardest not to start crying, but it was impossible. I walked away knowing that no matter how much she would hurt me, I’d always love her and care about her as much as I did when Holden was born.

****

The plane ride back to Arizona was awkward. Every time I looked at her my heart shattered more than it already was and all I wanted to do was hold her and keep her with me. But she had decided.

Back at the apartment after picking up Holden from her parents’ house was when she started talking to me. “What’s wrong John? You’ve barely said anything all day. And you’ve hardly kissed me all week!” She strolled over to me and placed a kiss on my lips but I didn’t kiss her back. “Are you okay?”

“I saw you, Holly. I saw you with Rian. From the first day, and I never said anything. I thought the guilt would start to eat you up then you’d come and confess to me, but no. You continued cheating on me every single day thinking that I didn’t know. But I do, Holly.”

“Are you mad?” was all she could say.

“No. But I don’t want to keep you here any longer. You’re obviously unhappy with me after everything I’ve done and you’d rather be with him.” She looked like she was about to object when I said, “You said so yourself. I heard you talking to him.”

“I don’t want to leave you John. I never meant to hurt you.”

“I wish I could say it’s okay, but I can’t. You’ve hurt me these last couple of months and it’s killing me making you stay. Go be with him; that’s what you want.”

She was sobbing as was I and she sat on the couch. “What about Holden?”

“Take him with you. Of course, you need to bring him back soon so I can see him, but take him. This is what you want, Holly. This is what you’ve wanted before I ever came into the picture. This is what you’ve wanted the entire time we’ve been together, you just didn’t realize it.”

--Holly--

John was absolutely right, as much as I’d hate to admit everything he stated was fact. He was right. I did want to be with Rian. And he was letting me go. And I didn’t necessarily feel all that bad about it because this was a long time coming. I gave John a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “I will always love you,” I said through soft sobs. He didn’t look at me.

“I know you will. That’s why I’m letting you go.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing…I’m making you go out of respect for you.”

I didn’t quite believe what John was telling me but a week later, Holden and I were on a flight to Baltimore, beginning the journey of the rest of our lives.