Let The Walls Break Down

From the minute I arrived in Baltimore I already had made a home of Rian and Alex’s apartment. Rian had prepared for us by setting up a crib and buying loads of diapers and baby food. He was so thoughtful. Technically, he was still dating Cassadee, but he was going to go see her tonight to break things off. The whole being with him was sort of a dream come true; I never thought I’d be here, especially without John. He was my world, but it’s not like I’ll never see him again; I have to fly back in a month to let him see Holden. While Rian was away I was hanging out with Alex and watching movies with him.

When we were done watching A Cinderella Story, Rian came in the door. “I’m free of her!” He put his arms in the air and then sat down next to me with his arm around me, but as soon as he sat down, Holden started crying.

“I’ll get that.” He got up and went into the bedroom as Alex watched him.

“He’s trying so hard to impress you,” Alex said.

“He doesn’t have to…I’m already here.”

“He really does like you, Holly. He has since the moment he met you. I don’t know why it took you guys this long and with so many obstacles. I always thought you would have looked better with Rian than John.”

“Why’s that?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Rian just seems like a better fit even though you have the whole chemistry thing with John. But you have chemistry here with Rian too, I mean why else would you be living with him with your kid right now?”

I smiled and thought about what he was saying. Life would have been a lot simpler had Rian not ignored me for a year leading me into John’s arms.

The first month living with Rian was tough because I had so many second thoughts about what I was doing. I kept thinking about John and what he was doing and how he was feeling. I texted him a lot. I would send him pictures of Holden nearly every day and we’d talk sometimes. It still felt like we were friends and that we’d always be close. And then there was the flight back to Tempe for a week. I first went to go see my parents and they thought what I was doing was completely idiotic, which I could see why; ripping my baby from his father and utterly shattering our four year relationship. After I dropped off Holden with John, I promised him I would have dinner with him after I went to go see Maria, who was living with her new boyfriend, Austin.

“Are you insane?” She said as soon as she opened the door, then she hugged me.

“Most likely.”

I came inside the apartment and Austin was sleeping on the couch so we went into the kitchen area and sat at the table. “I mean, how can you and John break up? Like three months before your second almost wedding!”

I shrugged. “Something told me this was the right thing to do. I mean, if things don’t work out with Rian –”

“Then what? You’re going to go back to John? After you’ve entirely devastated him? I don’t think he’d be too hot on that idea. You would have completely destroyed any trust and intimacy between the two of you and at what cost? A little joyride to fulfill your selfish fantasy?”

The more I thought about it, the more I agreed with everyone with how rash and reckless I was being. I felt like a home wrecker when actually Rian was the home wrecker. But I couldn’t go back on my decision now; I needed to test the waters and swim out a mile or two. Hopefully I won’t go too far out to sea without a rescue boat waiting for me. I chatted with Maria for another hour or two and then I went back to the apartment at 7.

John was waiting for me outside and as I pulled up in my car that I had left at my parents’, I got out to help him put Holden in the car seat. “I got it,” he said brashly. I got back in the front seat and he got in the passenger seat and we decided to take Holden to Chuck E. Cheese.

“How are you?” I asked when we sat at the table.

“I’ve been so much better, but I think I’m just okay.”

“I’m sorry for what I’m putting you through.”

He waved to pass it off. “It’s whatever. You have to do what you have to do.”

“Have you been seeing anyone new?”

“I don’t see the point. There’s only one you.” My heart was breaking with everything he said. He was so miserable and brokenhearted. “Are you happy?” He said finally.

“I think so. No, I know so. I am happy.”

He looked defeated. “Well I want you to be happy. No matter what that means for us. As long as you’re happy, I’m okay.”

“I want you to be more than okay though.”

“That won’t happen.”

I reached across the table and put my hand on his. I had the urge to take him back to the apartment and lie with him. I knew he felt the same way when my hand touched his because he looked at me the way he only did when we were about to consummate our love. I don’t know how, but when we got back to the apartment, we started making out and that ultimately lead to us fulfilling our urges. I was lying there with him and I put my hand on his chest and he had his arm around me.

“I can’t resist you,” I said quietly. “You’re like ecstasy. You make me feel like I’m on top of the world.”

“I feel the same about you,” he said softly. “I think it’s a mistake for us not to be together.”

“I know, John, but I think I need to get this need to be with Rian out of my system. And if push comes to shove, I’ll be right back here with you.”

“Don’t make me wait.”

I kissed him and he held me in his arms all night.

The week was over soon and I was on my way back to Maryland. I enjoyed Rian’s company a lot but I don’t know how I’d be able to act normal around him knowing that I had cheated on him. Surprisingly, I have a good poker face. Every time I would make out with Rian, I’d think about John which was weird because sometimes when I kissed John I’d think about Rian. My heart and my mind were so hard to follow because each wanted different things.

“Are you okay?” Rian asked after I guess I didn’t answer some question he’d asked.

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“You just seem different today. What are you thinking about?”

“You, actually.”

“Really?” He strolled over to me and kissed me, first being detached then getting into it. “I love you.”

“You know I love you too.” He pulled me into a protecting hug as if saying that he won’t let anything hurt me. Then I started to think about the possibilities that Rian and I could work out. Now that I was with him, he acted as though he was in it for the long run, letting me know that I can trust him, letting my walls break down. For the first time I was sure of my actions with Rian and I didn’t feel guilty anymore about what I’ve made John go through; this is what I wanted and John was okay if I was happy. But he’d never be truly happy if he didn’t have me and it’s sad that it had to work out this way.

The time had come where I had to travel back to Arizona. It was April now and I felt a little bit of resentment for this entire month because over and over again it was supposed to be the month of our matrimony. The way I felt about John now had dimmed; I was truly in love with Rian. And then I actually saw him and all that flew out the window. He was irresistible to me and me to him. Once again we lied together. “John, we can’t keep doing this.” He didn’t say anything but just put his hand on my face and kissed me.

-Flashback, June 2001-

--John--

There she was, just staring at me again. At first I thought being stared at by an eleven year old was weird and creepy, but I started to like her. “What are you looking at, Brace Face?” Jared yelled at her. She turned bright red and started walking away. At that moment I thought I was going to like her forever.

-Present Day-

So far, I have. Holly didn’t understand how much I wanted to be with her. If she did she had a horrible way of showing it. It kills me every day that she’s not entirely committed to me. For her sake, I started growing out my hair the way she liked it. Maybe this will help her make up her mind. I wanted her back. “I love you,” I said after I kissed her.

“I love you. But this isn’t going to work forever. Rian’s going to know something’s up.”

“Break it off with him, then.” I started kissing her neck.

“I can’t…”

“Why not?”

“Because I’ve always wanted to know what it was like to be with him and so far it’s going great.”

“Yet you’re here with me.”

She held my face in both of her hands and looked at me for a moment then she drew me in to kiss her. “When I’m absolutely sure he is not going to be in it for the long run, then I’ll make my decision. It could be this month, it could be next year, who knows. But you’ll be the first to know.”

“I won’t wait forever.”

“Yes you will.” I eventually agreed with her and kissed her again.

Before I knew it, Holly and Holden were gone again. I decided to write a note to her for the next time she came.

Dear Holly,
It pains me to see you go when you take our son to some stranger. You know how I feel that you should be here with me rather than being with him. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way; I know you want to be with me too. So what’s this really all about Holly? You’ve tested the limits and now it’s time to come home. I’m afraid that you won’t come back to me for good and that will hurt me beyond words. I don’t want to lose you; I want you with me because that’s how it ought to be. I love you.
John

I folded it up and put it in an envelope for a couple of minutes until I finally decided to rip it up.

-September 18, 2012-

--Holly--

Rian and I had been seeing each other for quite some time now and John and I have had secret affairs all the while. I couldn’t help it when I was around him. This time, both Rian and I were there in Arizona to celebrate Holden’s birthday with John and my family. We’d try our best not to let anyone know what’s been happening for the past 8 months. We were at my parents’ house and John’s parents were here as well and there was a whole buffet in the dining room for everyone (including the rest of The Maine, Maria and Austin, and Joel). Every time I saw John across the room, he’d be undressing me with his eyes and I returned the favor for him. It was the best we could do under the circumstances of Rian being one foot away from me at all times.

“Okay, let’s get a picture of Holden with Mommy and Daddy,” my mom said and got out the camera. I was holding him and he had gotten so big; I wondered where the time had gone. Then I started to think about how John was barely present this entire year and it made me regret ripping Holden away from him and forcing him to Rian. I bet he’d call Rian dad instead of John when the time came since he saw more of him. Nonetheless, we got together for a picture and John put his arm around me and we were genuinely smiling, because it was so natural for us to be together. No one for one second thought we weren’t together by the way we were just being together. Except maybe Rian who had jealousy exuding off of his face. After five million pictures of us three, all the grandparents got in the picture and then all the godparents (Maria and The Maine) and it seemed the only people not in any pictures were Joel, Austin and Rian.

After the party, Rian and I went into the guest room of my parents’ house while John took Holden to his apartment. It felt weird being in Arizona and not sleeping with John in his bed. Our bed. It came time for us to leave and I left John with a promise that I’d be back for Halloween. Wink wink. And then it was October.