Like the Stars

It had been a year since they had broken up. A year since our little game had started, and we had then fallen in love. I remember clearly the day they broke up.

They were screaming so loudly, and so horribly at each other. But when it ended, furniture turned over and vases broken, when she had departed for what seemed the last time, they had such looks of despair in their eyes. And it was the pure love they felt for each other at the time that prevented me from hating her. Because then she had loved him so dearly, but he didn’t want it anymore. So she gave up.

Most of all, I remember his parting words to her, and the look in her eyes.

“You’re just too boring! I…I want someone exotic, someone amazing. You…you’re too plain. And I hate the way you expect me to do everything…and…I don’t love you anymore.”

He had been so firm in his decision. But I knew that was only partly true. He had wanted someone different. Someone who would play his game of forbidden, secret love. But he still loved her so much. If you knew his eyes the way I did, if you could navigate through all the swirling emotions in them without getting lost, you would find that he was battling himself with his decision. He loved her, but she wasn’t what he wanted.

But, damn, she looked so sad. So alone and lost and everything that people didn’t want to be. Because he was her everything back then. She loved him.

I’m not going to say she loved him any less than I did, because I will never know, but I do know that I loved him just as much as she did. Because through her eyes, I felt how much his rejection had hurt her. And the night when I was so sure he had rejected me too, I felt those emotions again, only stronger. I had never wanted to feel the way she had, but I did. He had meant as much to me as he had to her, because we had hurt the exact same way.

So I could never hate her.

But this woman, I could. She was unrecognizable from before. The only thing that remained the same was her facial structure, with strong cheekbones and a heart-shaped face. But her lips were too large for her face now, her breasts so large she probably had back problems. Her eyes were lifeless, her skin almost sickly looking, and now I was almost unsure it really was the petite girl Gerard had fell in love with long ago.

So once again, I spoke her name, “Jessica?”

She turned from coddling Gerard to look at me, “Oh, Frankie! Is that really you? You changed your hair again…”

She meandered over, swaying her hips in a way that would be alluring to a straight man. She grabbed my arms and pulled me into an embrace. She reeked of a stark, most likely over-expensive perfume. She lacked her usual strong embrace that would have me gasping for air. She finally pushed away to examine me, still gripping my arms.

She smiled again, and I saw suspiciously white teeth.

“Jessica…you’ve changed so much…I didn’t recognize you at first…”

She giggled shrilly, not at all like she used to, “You like? I totally reinvented myself! And I did it all for my wonderful Gerard!”

I grimaced at the claim of Gerard as ‘hers.’ I couldn’t blame her, though. He had said he wanted her to change, and she had. Now she expected him to fully throw himself back into their relationship.

He was grimacing, trying to force out a smile, “Yes, you really fucking did it. I…I’m amazed.”

Under the caked make up on her face, you could tell she was glowing with pride; she was still the same girl who innocently decided to change for the one she loved.

“So…this means you’ll come back to me, right? I’ve done what you asked, so can we be together?”

It was like a bomb had been dropped. I was still so fucking nervous about how we were coming along, and she comes. She asks if they can get back together. She is a girl. She is pretty, if artificially so. She can make babies, and she’s curvy and soft, like women are. And I’m a guy. I’m the opposite of her. And now, I wonder how I could ever compare.

I look at Gerard, and he has a smile on his face. A fucking smile. But I see, in his eyes, that he’s hurting. And I look at her, and she’s simpering, oblivious to the fucking obvious insecurity going on in his head, and now I know, now I fucking realize...

...that I love Gerard so much more than she does. And, he’s going to leave me. To save her, because right now, she really fucking needs it.

“Jessica…I…yeah. We should try again. But…don’t…don’t try so damn hard this time.”

She blinked. She didn’t understand him. But I did. I got it; I deserved him, not this girl!

“Hmm? What do you mean?”

“I mean…that I don’t want to hurt you again. So, don’t try so hard to please me.”

She giggled, “Oh, Gerard! You shouldn’t talk about things like that in front of people!”

He looked exasperated. Stupid, silly girl. Why did you fall in love with him? Couldn’t you tell he’d break your heart? Couldn’t you tell that he’s not the one for you, that you just don’t get him the way I do?

He forced another smile, and suddenly he looked so tired, “Yeah…w-well…what are you going to do now?”

She looked better already. At home. She needed him, for a little bit, she needed to get better.

“I’ll be going out with a girlfriend tonight, but I’m staying at the Holiday Inn, if you want to visit. I already planned on following you guys during the tour, so we can get situated again!”

“Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you again tomorrow. Um…have a good night…”

Beaming, she sashayed away with a final, “Toodles!” as Gerard waved at her until she was out of sight.

Before he could turn around, I quickly made my way into the bus, before crashing into my bed. I laid down face into the pillows, and watched as gray circles materialized all around the white cover.

I didn’t realize I was sobbing loudly until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Mikey sitting on the edge of my bed, with Bob and Ray peering into the bunk concernedly. I wiped off my messily wet face and blinked to get out the tears.

“What’s wrong? You’ve been crying for a while now and Gerard is still standing outside. Did you guys get into a fight?”

I shook my head, “Did you she the girl that was talking to us for a bit? The last one here?”

They all nodded, and only looked further confused and worried.

“It was Jessica.”

“What the hell!? That fucking didn’t look like her at all…why was she here?”

My lower lip trembled, and I could feel another wrack of sobs coming on, “She did what Gerard told her…and they…they…she needs him to get better, okay?!” I fell on Mikey’s shoulder, and continued crying. I felt his arm come over my shoulder and he rubbed my back soothingly.

“What are you talking about, Frank? You’re really fucking scaring us.”

“She asked him to get with her again! She’s a mess; you can tell if you look her in the eye! She needs him right now!”

I felt a rough tug on my arm, and I was swung around to face Bob, “Are you fucking kidding?! You need Gerard, and he needs you. She doesn’t have to fucking go out with him to get better!”

I shook my head, and I was still crying hysterically, snot running from my nose and mixing with tears.

You’re a fucking mess.

“You…didn’t see her. I can wait…please, just…let them be. I want her to get better.”

Bob still looked angry, but his voice had calmed, “She’s stealing him from you, you know? You’re just going to let that happen?”

“She loved him. She probably still does. She tried so hard to get him back. She’d probably go insane if she didn’t. So, for now, she needs to have him, and she needs to come back down from wherever the hell she is. If he loves me, when she’s fixed, he’ll come back.”

Ray spoke softly, almost silently, “And if he doesn’t?”

What a sad sight you are. With a smile so doleful, it would break someone’s heart to see.

“Then I would have been wrong about him after all.”