I Ain't Waiting For The World To Change

„I hope there’s a clean shirt which will fit you, ‘cause I won’t lie: Your boobs have grown so much. I’m not sure they’ll fit in my clothes,“ I said while I was walking down the hall towards the elevator of the hotel.

“You’re sure it’s okay, if I come with you?” she asked the fourth time I guessed.

“Really, it’s totally okay. And I’m not going to let the two of you go so soon,” I gushed when I looked into the baby carriage. We left the elevator and walked to the end of the floor.

“I still can’t believe that you have made it so big. And that I’m walking into a room full of rockstars with vomit on my shirt,” she said.

“I bet they’re all still sleeping,” I said and opened the door with my card. “Hey guys, anyone awake?” I asked and entered the room. “What’s up?” I asked when I saw all of my guys sitting on the couch and Larry in front of them.

“Nothing important, Larry’s giving us the speech about not drinking so much and sleeping the whole day,” Zacky said and I raised an eyebrow.

“You know that’s not healthy for all of you. I have to make clear, that we still have some time to work together,” Larry said and the guys looked sad.

“Whatever, you guys know Lisa?” I asked. She stood awkwardly in the room. “Make yourself a home, I’ll get something for you to wear,” I said and disappeared into my room. I searched in my suitcase and finally found a bigger VU shirt which would cover everything she had. I walked back and saw her sitting on the couch and Larry next to her fascinated by the little boy in her hands. “Here go changing. You can use my room, or the bathroom,” I said and sat down next to her. “I’ll take care of him,” I said and held out my hands and waited until she had put him safely into mine. “You think I’m going to get him home with me today?” she asked me with a slight smile.

“Believe me, when he has thrown up on my shirt he’s all yours again,” I said and we both knew I was just kidding.

“Don’t you look cute,” Matt said while little Brandon tried to grab my finger with his tiny hands and I smiled at him like an idiot.

“Oh my gosh, someone take the baby away from here. Oh no it’s too late, she has it,” Larry said.

“What the f - … what are you talking about?” I asked and could stop myself from cursing in front of the baby.

“You have the look in your eyes, you want a baby,” Larry said.

“What?” all of the guys yelled. Brandon was scared and began to cry.

“Great job, guys,” I said and rose while pressing the little boy against my body. I walked up and down with him and tried to calm him down. Lisa came out of the bathroom and looked at the guys, who couldn’t stop staring at me shocked.

“Everything okay?” she asked and took the baby from me, who started to calm down slowly.

“Larry, remember the talk we had in your office?” I asked and saw him slowly nodding. “I didn’t change my mind. And now calm down, boys, you upset the baby. And go showering, we have visitors,” I said and shoved Brian into the direction of the bathroom but before we were near it I saw someone running and the door was closed in front of us. “I don’t want to wait two hours before I have the chance to use the bathroom,” I heard Johnny’s voice from inside and shrugged.

We sat down and started talking. We caught up and remembered some things we did when we were teenagers. The guys had a lot to laugh even if we had to be quiet, so we wouldn’t wake up Lisa’s kid. I was surprised but he had most of them wrapped around his little finger when they took a look at his peaceful sleeping face.

“So, and to you guys,” Lisa said surprisingly and took a look at Zacky, Matt and Johnny who sat around us. “I expect that you look a lot more after her. If she loses more weight there will be nothing left of her. And these bags under her eyes are awful,” she said and I hit her arm playfully.

“Stop it,” I hissed, when I saw that they were looking at Johnny, who stared at his feet like they were the most interesting things in the room. “I get something to drink,” I said and walked into the kitchen where I opened the fridge and grabbed a water.

“We really need to talk,” I heard someone say behind me and I didn’t dare to turn around and look into his brown eyes.

“What about?” I almost whispered.

“About us,” he answered.

“This has to be now?” I didn’t hear his response, so I assumed he was nodding. “Well one of my best friends is over here, so what about talking after she has left.”

“I’ll keep you to that,” I heard him say and heard when he left the room. I took a deep breath. Why was he making the conditions? He had broken my heart, not the other way round. I stood there for another minute and took a long sip from my water before I turned back.

“What about taking a walk, before Devon picks you up?” I asked and Lisa agreed.

“Sure,” she answered and we packed our things and left the suit. And I may be wrong, but the guys seemed a bit relieved. I raised my eyebrows but thought I shouldn’t think about this anymore. “So, what do you wanna talk about?” my friend asked as soon as the New Yorker Air filled my nose.

“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted. “I need your advice. I really do love this douche bag, but I don’t think I can handle this myself. After the whole Bryan thing I built up my barriers and as the idiot I am I let them down, just so my heart was broken once more.”

“But you were happy, doesn’t that count? I know you were hurt so much and everything, but I saw you with Brandon and I know you’ll make a great mom one day.” I tried to say something, but she stopped me and went on. “I know you, that’s not something what will happen the next year or so, but one day you want kids and how do you think you’ll get some? If you’ll keep your heart locked you’ll wake up one day and have nothing. I don’t know if Johnny’s the man for you, but I see that he has feelings for you and you just admitted you have some for him. Think about it, maybe you just should give him a second chance.”

I stayed silence and then Lisa’s handy beeped and she told me her boyfriend was around the corner waiting for her. “I’m going to miss you,” I said and hugged her.

“I’ll miss you, too. Promise me you’ll think about the whole thing. I don’t like how sad you look,” she said and I promised her I would think about it.

“And I’m going to miss you, too, little man,” I said and bent over the little baby. “Let your mom sleep at night and you know if you ever need music advice be sure you come to me, ‘cause your mom has a awful taste – if you even can call that taste,” I said and she slapped my arm playfully. “Hey, no violence in front of your boy,” I said laughing. She hugged me one last time and I walked back to the hotel.

I noticed that almost every one of the guys was on his phone except Johnny and the Berry Brothers. “What the fuck is goin’ on?” I muttered and went towards my room. I had the feeling, that they had a problem with me and tried to avoid me. Shortly after I had left the room there was a knock on my door. I had a feeling that I knew who was there. “Come in,” I said and Johnny entered my room.

“We really need to talk,” he said and took a step nearer. Maybe he was right, we finally have to talk about some things, but the same time I was sure that I didn’t know what to say and if I even wasn’t ready for this. “What do you want?” I sighed and scooted over so he could sit down on the other side of my bed.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry. You know,” he paused.

“What do I know, Johnny? That you told me you love me the day before you admitted that this was all too much for you? That you literally broke my fuckin’ heart? What do I know? Tell me!” I was yelling now.

“I’m so, so sorry, Kay. I swear I never wanted to hurt you. If you need some time, that’s what you’ll get. I won’t push you, but I promise you I’ll show you how much you mean to me. I’ll show you, that I meant what I said the day you came back,” he said and bent forwards and pressed his lips to my forehead before he left my room without looking back. And that’s when I started crying.

-x-

I have been back for two days and could you believe that I haven’t seen one of the guys once? I was supposed to leave this country with them in two days and travel all the way to UK and Asia and they didn’t even call or text me. Very unusual. I even haven’t really talked to Michelle, Gena or Val, so I had asked Jess and Tracey if they would do something with me tonight. I was tired of sitting alone in my apartment.

And I guess Johnny’s promise for making up was nothing what he really meant. But fuck that, I was goin’ to leave that all behind me tonight! I whistled and Nap was soon at my side and I took a walk with him. When I came back Jess was standing in front of my apartment. “Am I running late?” I asked while I unlocked my apartment.

“No, I’m just pretty early. How you’re doing?” she asked when she followed me. “I’m good. Well haven’t seen the guys for some days and haven’t heard anything from them, but instead of that I’m good,” I said and walked into the kitchen and asked her what she would like to drink.

“Yeah, JB seemed rather busy since you all came back from New York,” she admitted when I sat down next to her on the couch. I rather did not say, that I thought they were avoiding me for what had happened between Johnny and me.

“What are you going to do when he’s away for such a long time?” I asked interested and filled our cups.

“I don’t know, think I have to deal with it. I’ll see if I manage to travel down for some time, but who knows. This will show if we manage such a relationship or not,” she said and I nodded slightly. Then the doorbell rang. I opened the door and Tracey stood there with a huge smile on her face. “Tonight we won’t see sad faces,” she exclaimed and entered the room.

“What’s in your bag?” I asked and looked curiously. “Just something to entertain us,” she said and took out two microphones for the XBOX.

“I hope you have a lot of alcohol in the bag, so I can get wasted. I won’t play this, when I’m sober,” I said and she just kissed my cheek and told me she knew me well enough to think of something like that.

It didn’t take long for us to start my XBOX and sing into the mics. Well we needed more alcohol to keep singing and while we started with some songs from Radiohead and Nirvana it seemed we lost our taste in music with every shot we drank. I swear, we were singing with Taylor Swift. Well actually you couldn’t say we were singing as we didn’t know the rhythm of the song and slurred the words more than singing them.

“Oh my gosh, you’re kidding me, right. You didn’t pick Depeche Mode? Well this is my time to go to the bathroom. If I have to stay here and listen to that song I think I might die,” I said, but the both of them didn’t listen to me as they belt out ‘Personal Jesus’.

When I came back the both of them looked at me and Tracey threw my jacket in my face. “What’s up?” I asked confused.

“We’re taking a walk,” she said and I raised an eyebrow to show how confused I was. “Giving your neighbors a break from our beautiful chant.” We all chuckled and I tried to whistle, but just failed. Maybe I was more drunk than I thought. “Nap,” I yelled and my dog came slowly towards me. “Come on, we need a bodyguard,” I said and walked out of my apartment – the girls and my dog slowly following me.

When we were outside we just walked down the street and laughed about our own stupidity. Tracey had grabbed another bottle – really, where does she all hide them, her bag was fuckin’ small, when she had arrived – and we were drinking when Jess phone ringed. “It’s JB, be quiet,” she said and Tracey and I just laughed along. Nap was walking at our side and when I thought Jess had talked enough with her boyfriend I grabbed the phone and told JB, that tonight was a girls night and that he could have her the whole day tomorrow. With these words I hung up and turned towards Jess. “Why are you sitting on the pavement?” I asked confused.

“I got tired of standing,” she said and shrugged her shoulders.

“Just take a sip and go further,” Tracey said and shoved the bottle in her face.

-x-

I groaned when I woke up. I hoped I will make it to the bathroom before throwing up, I thought and noticed first that there was someone beside me in my bed. My first thought was Johnny but I noticed that the arm around my torso belonged to a woman – who was Tracey.

I groaned and when I looked back to the bed I saw another person lying there. What the fuck had happened last night? And why does my back hurt that much? I just shrugged and walked into the bathroom to do my business.

I showered and got dressed and even hovered up and picked up the mess they had left the last night, but none of the two girls woke up. I shook my head and regretted it, when I noticed the headache I had. A glance at my clock told me I didn’t had time for a walk with Nap so I just wrote a note for Jess and Tracey to tell them where I went and asked them if they could do the walk with Nap.

I wasn’t really sober and had just taken an Advil, so I decided to walk to the studio. We would talk about the last things before we’re gone for months and I was glad that I didn’t have to play the drums today. I didn’t know if I could handle that with my headache.

Surprised I realized that I was the first one at the studio. I switched on the light, started the coffee machine and laid down on the couch, which stood in the corner. I closed my eyes and waited for the others to arrive. “Hey Kay, how are you doin’?” I heard Larry ask. I opened my eyes and saw him standing over me.

“I’m okay, just a little headache. How are you and where are the others?” I asked.

“They’re waiting outside. I wanted to talk to you first. So, first of all I have a question for you and I expect you to answer truthfully.” I nodded and was a bit concerned about his serious tone. I put my legs from the couch so I sat and he could sit next to me, which he did. “Do you want to continue with your job?”

“Yeah, sure why you’re asking? You’re afraid I would ditch you?” I asked playfully.

“Well actually… uhm… I got a call when we were in New York. Warner Brothers called me to tell me that they don’t want to keep you anymore and won’t renew your contract.” I was sure my jaw had hit the floor by now. “They thought you would cause too much trouble and.. nah, that wasn’t what I wanted to tell you. I told the guys about it and as soon as they heard the news they told me I should search for a new label.” If my jaw wouldn’t lay on the floor already it sure would have now.

“What?” I asked.

“It was their first decision and they didn’t think twice about it. Well they asked their wifes about it, as this is a huge decision and I wanted to make sure, that you were into it, before,” I didn’t let him finish his sentence. I hugged him and squeezed the whole air out of him.

“I take that as a yes,” he laughed when I let go of him.

“A 100% yes. I won’t let you down. They guys are outside, you said?” he nodded and I almost jumped outside. Matt was the first one to see and I almost tackled him down.

“Whoa, slow down there,” I could make out his voice through his laughter.

“I better do, I feel sick again,” I said and hugged him again, before letting him go and walking over to Gates. “Thank you so fuckin’ much, guys, I swear I won’t let you down,” I said while walking over to Zacky and after hugging him, I hugged Johnny and this hug lasted longer than the others. He seemed surprised and held me near him with his hands on my back.

“You better do not,” I heard Brian and then Zacky, who announced we would have a group hug now. I laughed when I saw all my favorite guys around me.

“Enough of that! Come inside, we have a lot to talk about. You can do, what you want tonight at your party,” Larry announced and we followed him to discuss everything.