I Ain't Waiting For The World To Change

“Oh come on, Kay. It won’t be that bad,” Brian assured me.
“That’s not the point,” I told him. “I don’t like it when celebrities visit sick children, take pictures with them to show the world they did something good for someone when they don’t give a shit. I hate this stuff, I always thought these pictures were placed,” I explained and crossed my arms over my chest.

“Well then change your opinion. Make it something you want to do, be yourself, be kind to these kids and make their day. Ignore if there are cameras and everything will be alright. And remember we’re searching for a new label, we need the good press,” Brian said and looked right into my eyes.

“Alright,” I said and shrugged my shoulders. He was right, I knew this. But something was holding me back. We were still in England, but this time it was only the band. McKenna and her father had gone their own way. Our little talk had taken place in a van on our way to a children hospital. As I had said I never liked these kind of things, but something other than that was holding me back and I didn’t knew what it was.

After that it didn’t take long to arrive and we met the camera man and the guys who would take an interview after our visit.
“We’re here,” pulled me Johnny’s voice out of my thoughts. I took a deep breath – I had ignored everything the nurse had told us just to stare at the white wall – and followed the guys into a room. There were two beds in which two boys lay. The first one was really young and a man sat next to him holding his hand. There was a noisy beeping and it soon clicked, that this came from the machines which were connected with the kid. I didn’t know this pale boy, but it broke my heart to see such a young kid in this state.

I don’t know why but the guys all walked to the second kid, I took some steps forward so I stood next to the boy who caught my eye.
“Hey,” I smiled at him. His eyes lit up and he cracked a smile. “I’m Kim,” I said.
“His name is Jonathan,” the man said and extended his hand. “I’m John.” I shook his hand and he explained that talking was kind of difficult for his son. “You know how to write, right?” I asked the boy and he nodded. So I left the room and asked a nurse for paper and a pen. She gave it to me and when I came back the father smiled at me. I took a seat next to the bed and ‘talked’ to the little boy for a while. But there were other kids who waited for us and it broke my heart letting the kid back here.

Jonathan wrote something on the paper and handed it to me. “Are you gonna come back?”
“Before I leave, I’m going to come back,” I promised and smiled at him before leaving the room. You’re not going to cry, I told myself. We visited other children and I felt bad because my thoughts were somewhere else.
It felt like hours when in reality we weren’t there that much longer. I had come back to Jonathan as I had promised and we figured out a way to stay in contact. I was silent on the way back to our hotel as I had been when the interviewer had fired question after question. There was something on my mind and so I declined when the guys asked me if I wanted to come with them walking through town.

I was sitting on my bed, my phone in my hand and wasn’t so sure if I should really call someone and tell them what was on my mind. I was so lost in my thoughts that I shrieked when my phone vibrated. It showed me that Val was calling and I pressed the answer button.
“Honey?” I heard her low voice and knew immediately that she was crying.
“What happened?” I asked her myself.

“I just… am kind of emotional these days and I just wanted to tell you that I miss you. And not just that you’re miles away, but that we haven’t really talked while you were here. You… you became like a little sister for Matt and I,” she began sobbing so much I couldn’t understand her anymore. It took her a while until she could talk again. “I was so worried about you and then you didn’t talk to me and I wondered if… I ….”
“Val, you didn’t do anything wrong. With the whole thing I only talked to Tracey and Jess was because they aren’t so attached towards Johnny. I mean you’re like a really big family and you know him way longer than me so I didn’t want anyone like you have to decide on which side you are.”

“You’re silly,” she said and laughed – which wasn’t a pretty noise as she was still crying. "You know where your mistake was?" Val asked after a while when she had calmed down. I didn't say anything to show her I didn't."We know Johnny and I could've told you that he's crazy about you! Remember the first time he had asked you out? He came to me and was freaking out 'cause he was so nervous. And guess whom he came to ask for advice to get you back? But this time I really couldn't help him." Now she was back in her element. "This guy really loves you and you must do what's best for you but I think you were both happier when you were together. Sometimes he has his times, but everyone has them. You just need to learn to ignore them."

"You finished yet?"
"Hm, yes I think I'm indeed."
"Good then why were you crying? And don't tell me bullshit, I know it wasn't because Johnny and me."
“Well I just got my period,” she admitted.
“So, I know this can be painful and everything and you get a bit emotional, but you were crying a river, Val,” was my way to tell her that I knew that this wasn’t it.

“Maybe I thought I was pregnant?” It was more a question than a statement.
“Oh,” was my only reaction and I facepalmed myself. This was not what she hoped to get so I tried it again. “I’m sorry, hun. But it’s not the end of the world, you’re young you have every time…”
She interrupted me. “No, you’re young. I’m not that young anymore, don’t tell me I have every time in the world, that’s exactly what Chelle told me. But it’s not true. I don’t want Matt to feel guilty, but he’s away so often. I know this is what he loves to and I would never ask him to stop that, but that’s why we don’t have all the time in the world. You know what the worst is?” She asked again.

I shook my head until I noticed that she wasn’t able to see it, but she went on without my answer. “I think Matt kind of hoped I was pregnant too this time and I’m kind of scared to tell him,” she admitted. “I even didn’t tell Chelle the reason, ‘cause I know her and she would tell Brian who would tell Matt. So, what should I do?”
I was a bit surprised that she asked me for advise. She had admitted it herself: I was a bit younger than her. “What are you afraid of? Matt loves you, he really does. But I think I don’t have to tell you that. You think he’s going to be disappointed in you? You should know him better, Val. It’s not your fault and it’s not like he’s going to think any less of you, honey. And I bet he won’t deny any more practice,” with this I had her chuckling.

“Maybe you’re right,” she admitted.
“Not maybe, I’m sure,” I told her.
“I just wonder why you give me this wise advice and don’t do anything for yourself,” she wondered and I sighed.
“It’s not the same,” I told her.
“I know it’s not the same, but I don’t see the problem. You love him, he loves you – what else do you need? But I think that’s not my business. You know if you need someone to talk to you can call me – even if it’s deep in the night here.”

“I know, thanks Val,” I said and we said our goodbyes. After that I grabbed my jacket and left my hotel room. I was getting something to eat and the first thing I saw was a KFC. I had some problems to get my order back to my room, but somehow I managed it.
Just when I was about to eat my first chicken wing there was a knock on my door. I walked towards it and opened it just to find Zacky in front of me. “Are you planning on feeding an army?” he asked when he looked past me. “Guys, food in Kim’s room,” he then yelled down the hallway and entered my room without my permission.

“Uh yeah, come in,” I said with my voice full of sarcasm.
“I’m already in, but thanks for the invitation,” Zacky retorted with a serious expression.
“That’s what he said,” Syn said and we all looked at him like he was strange. “I mean when he’s with… oh just ignore it,” he said and let himself down on my bed before he put the chicken wing I was just about to eat in his mouth.

“I already licked on it,” I said and walked towards them. I let the door open for Johnny and Matt. Brian just shrugged and didn’t stop eating.
“You know I bought this for me,” I said and took a sip of my sweet ice drink before Zacky took it from me and drank half of it. “Hey,” I complained and reached out for it, but this time Brian took it and took also a huge sip.
“You’re impossible”

“And you’re still hanging around us,” I heard Matt’s voice behind me and jumped in surprise. “That’s all?” he asked when he saw it.
“I only bought something for me, but whatever. I think I have to get more food,” I said and turned around just to bump into Johnny. He put his arms around me so I wouldn’t fall backwards and I thanked him quietly before I took a step back.
“I’ll come with you,” Johnny said and I nodded.

“I want some burgers,” Zacky yelled behind us.
“Greedy pig,” I muttered and Johnny let out a laugh. I smiled at him and together we walked silently through the hotel past other people who looked curious at us. I wondered why they stared, but shrugged it off. Maybe I was just paranoid.
“I missed this,” he said suddenly. “I missed being near you.”
“I’m sure you did,” I said with a bitterness in my voice I was surprised of.

“That’s not what I meant. I missed being near you just like that. I miss talking to you like we did before and … see…,” he stopped and took me by my shoulders and turned me around so I was facing him. “Even if we suck at being in a relationship – don’t shut me out of your life. Let me be part of it, be my friend again,” he said and while he said this he looked so sad. I took a step towards him and put my arms around his back and buried my face in his neck.

I took a deep breath and I noticed that his embrace was pretty tight as if he didn’t want to let me go either. I don’t know when we let each other go, but finally we did and walked silently towards the fast food restaurant.
He made big eyes when he saw what I ordered, but didn’t say anything. We had some problems carrying these things back to my hotel room and when I knocked at the door Zacky opened the door and grabbed the bags from my hand that I only saw some blury movements. I never knew he could be that fast.

I took some steps into the room and took off my chucks so I could get on my bed also where Zacky lay with the food all around him. I thought about saying something ‘cause of it, but decided this would be a dead case.
Matt was sitting on my sofa as was Brian. They grabbed some things and I was about to grab my things when Johnny shoved me. “Watch it, gnome,” I said with a smirk and the others chuckled.
He didn’t say anything but took the chicken wing from my hand. “You’re soo dead,” I said and tried to attack him, but he jumped from the bed so fast I landed flat on my face – which caused the others to laugh more. I grumbled and sat back. Then I took tree napkins and placed them in front of me and placed as much food on it which fit.

“Oh, as if you would eat all of that, little girl,” Matt said and tried to grab some fries but I raped over his knuckles.
“Watch me,” I said and after our little bickering about the food we ate silently and watched some TV. But it didn’t take long and someone got up to get the Xbox they always carried around.
When it was Zacky’s and Brian’s turn to play Matt joined me on my bed. He opened his arm and I snuggled against him.

“So, you have talked to Val?” he started the conversation and almost whispered so no one beside me could hear him.
“Hmm,” I made and nodded with my head.
“See, if you want to be with him again, be sure I’m supporting you. I don’t want you to think that I’m against the relationship,” he said.
“That’s really sweet of you, but I would appreciate if not everybody would start that topic,” I said and he nodded.

“Why did you eat so much?” he asked randomly in a normal voice.
“What, am I not allowed?” I asked and got on my elbows to shoot him an evil glare.
“Jeez, thought I had learned by time to say the right words,” he mumbled. “I mean… you ate just some bits the last time and now you ate… a lot unlike the last months. And I wonder… maybe I’m worried?” he tried to turn the corner.

“Just kidding,” I said and noticed that the voices from the TV weren’t there anymore so I assumed that the others also listened. “I just noticed while our visit today that I need to look more after myself. I am healthy – if I look more after myself – that’s something I have and I didn’t appreciate it. You know the little boy I went to before we left? He asked me if I was also sick, because I was so damn thin and pale and that was the point where it made click in my head. What more can I ask for? I do what I love, I have five awesome guys around me – well more to be honest, I have awesome friends and a lovely family, I’m going to see the world. So why didn’t I appreciate it before?” I said and put my head back on Matt’s chest and he stroked my hair.

“Awww,” Zacky said and I noticed that the bed went down and then I noticed an arm around my torso. Soon the others followed and I had problems to breath – and I was kind of worried if the bed would able not the break under the weight of the guys and me.
“I miss Jimmy,” Johnny suddenly said and I noticed that the guys deepened the hug. I thought this was my cue that I should leave but as the guys were crushing me I was just silent and listened to them telling some random Jimmy stories.

-x-

The music went through my whole body and my hips were moving itself. I could see Johnny and Matt talking at the bar, both of them always sending a glance at my direction to see if I was okay. I didn’t know where Brian and Zacky went, I lost track of them when we had entered the club.
There had been a few guys who came near me but I made clear that I wasn’t interested and they had gone away. But right now there was a guy who wouldn’t get the signs I were sending him.
I didn’t want to talk to him, so when he asked me if he could buy me a drink I declined and told him my boyfriend wouldn’t be so amused about that. I pointed at the direction where Johnny and Matt were standing. Well it wasn’t the truth, but it was the easiest way to get rid of him. And I somehow believe that Johnny wouldn’t be so amused seeing him standing so close to me. After taking a look he quickly excused himself and I turned around to order a drink myself.

I wanted to dance and this was easier said than done with none of my woman around. I looked around for one of the guys – I know they wouldn’t enjoy it that much as me but I was sure, that when I hinted I would dance with a random guy instead they would dance with me. But I couldn’t find one of them and I sighed. So I walked towards the area where I had seen two of them the last time when someone sneaked his arms around my waist.
I turned around, prepared to give whoever touched me hell. But when I locked eyes with the person my rage disappeared. “Why did some guy come to me and tell me I should better not try my luck ‘cause you’re already Matt’s girlfriend?”

“What?” I asked confused and lend nearer so we both didn’t have to yell over the loud music.
“The guy you have been talking to while dancing. He came to me and told me I should better look out for someone else ‘cause you were here with Matt,” he explained.
“Is that so?” I asked and came nearer.
“I would tell you, that I wouldn’t want to watch at other women ‘cause you were the most beautiful in the room, but therefore I had to look at them and I clearly haven’t,” he said his lips almost touching mine.

I ruined the moment by laughing out loud. “That would have been the most cheesiest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
“That may be true,” he said in a british way.
“Well than I could tell you that I would not choose Matt, if I could have one man here,” I flirted in his ear. “Johnny?” He nodded. “You do still have feelings for me, have you?” I asked.
“I have, babe,” he assured. “I just told you a few days back,” he reminded me. “And if you do feel the same, I would love to kiss you right here and show everyone that you’re mine.”

“Then do so,” I whispered back. He pulled back and looked in my eyes. His gaze told me that he thought he hadn’t heard me right. I nodded and he put his hands around my head and pulled me near him. His lips were pressed against mine and it was nothing romantic, it was more in a posessive way – from the both of us. He pulled away, but I attracted him. It felt so good to have him again and at that point I asked myself why I did have let him go.