Status: Completed.
Pull Me Through This
3,622
My fingers plucked lightly along the delicate strings as I reached the calm part of the song. My cello was resting between my legs just begging me to play it with the bow again and to go into the frenzied part of the song. I soon obliged to its pleas, losing myself even further into the music.
That is, until I heard a loud clatter from the doorway to the school’s music room. I just about jumped twelve feet in my seat and swiveled around to see a boy tugging at the edge of his cute little sweater that looked as if his grandmother had knitted it for him. It was adorable that he would actually wear it!
“Uhm, s-sorry. I was just…”
I blushed at the thought of him hearing me play and hoped he wouldn’t say anything about it. Maybe he could just forget. I didn’t need someone insulting my music when I already had low self-esteem in that category.
“I-I heard you…and the captivated music me. Uhh…I mean the m-music captivated me.”
I felt a slight smile tugging at my lips at his cuteness. Although, I must admit I’m not much better.
He again tugged nervously on his sweater and I realized I hadn’t said anything.
“T-Thank you,” I whispered, hoping he heard me. Apparently he did because he face flamed red.
“Uh…I-I’ll just go now.”
And with that he scurried out of the awkward atmosphere in the room.
I watched him leave wanting to call out, but knowing by the time I finally got the courage he’d already be gone.
That is, until I heard a loud clatter from the doorway to the school’s music room. I just about jumped twelve feet in my seat and swiveled around to see a boy tugging at the edge of his cute little sweater that looked as if his grandmother had knitted it for him. It was adorable that he would actually wear it!
“Uhm, s-sorry. I was just…”
I blushed at the thought of him hearing me play and hoped he wouldn’t say anything about it. Maybe he could just forget. I didn’t need someone insulting my music when I already had low self-esteem in that category.
“I-I heard you…and the captivated music me. Uhh…I mean the m-music captivated me.”
I felt a slight smile tugging at my lips at his cuteness. Although, I must admit I’m not much better.
He again tugged nervously on his sweater and I realized I hadn’t said anything.
“T-Thank you,” I whispered, hoping he heard me. Apparently he did because he face flamed red.
“Uh…I-I’ll just go now.”
And with that he scurried out of the awkward atmosphere in the room.
I watched him leave wanting to call out, but knowing by the time I finally got the courage he’d already be gone.
That was the first time I met Conley Dracen. It was an awkward first impression for both of us. I guess we both saw the other as cute, even though we acted the same.
The next time we saw each other was a few months later. Our school was extremely large and it was rare to have more than one class with the same person, let alone even see half the people in the school. The only reason we noticed each other was because he ran headfirst into me. He always was the clumsier one.
“Oh! I-I’m s-sorry,” he stuttered cutely and I realized he was that boy from a couple months earlier who had watched me play.
“It’s f-fine,” I managed to get out before bending down to pick up my case.
When he saw who I was, he froze completely and blushed the deepest shade of crimson.
“I’m I-Ichabod Stanley.”
“Conley D-Drace.”
And then we walked away with our things dangling awkwardly from our arms.
“It’s f-fine,” I managed to get out before bending down to pick up my case.
When he saw who I was, he froze completely and blushed the deepest shade of crimson.
“I’m I-Ichabod Stanley.”
“Conley D-Drace.”
And then we walked away with our things dangling awkwardly from our arms.
Kind of a awkward second impression too. The place where we really met for good was at the coffee shop.
At the end of our senior year we had been dubbed the cutest people in the class. A picture of him in one of his fuzzy sweaters sat next to one of me playing the cello.
“Hey! Isn’t that Ichabod? Let’s go talk to him.”
I glanced up from my book and coffee at the mention of my name to see a girl I didn’t know and Conley.
“Hi! I’m Yumie and this is Conley! He was in the yearbook next to you for cutest people.”
“I-I know w-who he is.” I blushed at my stutter.
“Aww! He has a stutter too Conley! You know, Icky, if you’re gay you and Conley would be perfect for each other.”
I glanced up from my book and coffee at the mention of my name to see a girl I didn’t know and Conley.
“Hi! I’m Yumie and this is Conley! He was in the yearbook next to you for cutest people.”
“I-I know w-who he is.” I blushed at my stutter.
“Aww! He has a stutter too Conley! You know, Icky, if you’re gay you and Conley would be perfect for each other.”
I instantly hated the girl and I still do. Maybe it was petty at first, because of her mentioning my stutter and calling me Icky (a name I later let Conley call me…), but since then the hate developed from something more solid.
“So anyway, I’ll leave you two to get reacquainted,” she said with a wink and left us sitting there awkwardly.
“Hi.”
He looked at me before responding softly, “Hi.”
Then we sat in silence for about five more minutes before I glanced at the empty spot in front of him.
“D-Do you want some c-coffee?”
“N-no. I don’t r-really like c-coffee…”
I let out a gasp. How could you not like coffee?!
“Hi.”
He looked at me before responding softly, “Hi.”
Then we sat in silence for about five more minutes before I glanced at the empty spot in front of him.
“D-Do you want some c-coffee?”
“N-no. I don’t r-really like c-coffee…”
I let out a gasp. How could you not like coffee?!
That wasn’t a very good third impression. Not when coffee was my life. Still is. Well, other than the cello I mean. Anyway, we exchanged phone numbers and after a couple days of coaxing myself, I finally got the courage to call him. We talked a little before making plans to meet and practically bolting off the phone. A phone isn’t a very good place when you stutter and talk really low.
Instead of going to the coffee shop, which had been so awkward last time, we went to this tiny, run-down amusement park.
I poured myself a cup of coffee and took a sip of the warm liquid. It coursed through me, waking my tired body.
Glancing at the clock I saw I only had a half-hour before I had to be ready.
Thank God I’d already taken a shower that morning.
I quickly threw on a white button down shirt with some black pants. I was about to tuck it in, but realized I might seem strangely formal if I did and just left it.
I hurriedly ran a brush through my long hair and finished my coffee.
I was just taking the last sip as I heard the doorbell ring.
Eagerly I rushed to the door. I was used to dating, but usually with guys more masculine. In the relationship I would always be the ‘girl.’ I didn’t know if this was really a date, but I decided to count it as one.
“Hey Conley,” I said smoothly, praising God for keeping the stutter out of my voice.
“H-Hey. I came a l-little e-early if that’s ok-k…”
I glanced at my wristwatch and sure enough, it was ten minutes early.
“That’s n-not a problem. I just finished g-getting ready.” So much for no stutter…but mine wasn't nearly as bad as his so I couldn’t get too embarrassed.
The drive was silent and we didn’t really talk much at the park either. We had yet to find any common grounds.
It didn’t matter much at the park though because we were distracted by all the rides. It was pretty cheap too, and fun, so it was a great place for a date.
“Let’s go on the teacups again!” he yelled loudly, causing people to look his way.
When he noticed all the attention he was getting he clamped his mouth shut and refused to talk for another fifteen minutes.
Glancing at the clock I saw I only had a half-hour before I had to be ready.
Thank God I’d already taken a shower that morning.
I quickly threw on a white button down shirt with some black pants. I was about to tuck it in, but realized I might seem strangely formal if I did and just left it.
I hurriedly ran a brush through my long hair and finished my coffee.
I was just taking the last sip as I heard the doorbell ring.
Eagerly I rushed to the door. I was used to dating, but usually with guys more masculine. In the relationship I would always be the ‘girl.’ I didn’t know if this was really a date, but I decided to count it as one.
“Hey Conley,” I said smoothly, praising God for keeping the stutter out of my voice.
“H-Hey. I came a l-little e-early if that’s ok-k…”
I glanced at my wristwatch and sure enough, it was ten minutes early.
“That’s n-not a problem. I just finished g-getting ready.” So much for no stutter…but mine wasn't nearly as bad as his so I couldn’t get too embarrassed.
The drive was silent and we didn’t really talk much at the park either. We had yet to find any common grounds.
It didn’t matter much at the park though because we were distracted by all the rides. It was pretty cheap too, and fun, so it was a great place for a date.
“Let’s go on the teacups again!” he yelled loudly, causing people to look his way.
When he noticed all the attention he was getting he clamped his mouth shut and refused to talk for another fifteen minutes.
I think that was the deepest shade of red I’d ever saw someone, but I’d soon grow accustomed to it.
When he finally did open his mouth it was to ask quietly for some cotton candy. At which I smiled wide and granted his wish.
After the cotton candy we went home, Conley dropping me at my house. Cotton candy was one of the few things we actually had in common. We both liked the blue kind. But past our shyness there were really very few similarities.
Conley did love going to my concerts though.
I played carefully yet speedily. Suddenly the people in the audience were no longer there. It was just me and my cello. We were dancing and invisible dance. It could only be heard, not seen. That kind of dancing had always been my favorite. Especially when my partner was the cello.
When I finished the song I didn’t want to get off that stage, but I knew I had to.
Reluctantly, I walked off only to see Conley waiting there for me, tugging at the bottom of another of his sweaters.
“Y-You were g-great,” he grinned.
I smiled sheepishly at his compliment.
“Th-thank you.”
Then we went to our favorite restaurant just like we always did after my concerts.
When I finished the song I didn’t want to get off that stage, but I knew I had to.
Reluctantly, I walked off only to see Conley waiting there for me, tugging at the bottom of another of his sweaters.
“Y-You were g-great,” he grinned.
I smiled sheepishly at his compliment.
“Th-thank you.”
Then we went to our favorite restaurant just like we always did after my concerts.
Yumie may have said we’d be perfect for each other based off the fact that we were both gay and shy, but those two things have nothing to do with personality. At first, it was hard to even talk to Conley, harder than it was for me to talk to most people. Slowly though, I found myself falling in love with that precious boy named Conley. The nervous shy one who liked tugging on his adorable sweaters anyway. I also found myself having to take control in a lot of situations because there was no way he ever would. And I eventually got rid of that annoying stutter.
I placed a kiss carefully on his lips. After a year and a half of dating I was ready. I loved Conley and I wanted to show him. I just didn’t know how to go about it. Before I’d always been bottom. The other guy had always made the first move because I was far too shy to. But I figured I’d waited long enough and Conley would never make a move. Not in my wildest dreams.
We’d moved in together by now and slept in the same bed.
That night I stripped down to my boxers and climbed into the bed, Conley doing the same next to me.
“Con? I love you.”
He didn’t answer me for a moment before responding, “I l-love you too.”
I turned over so we were spooning and ran my hand lightly along his side at which he let out a giggle.
“I’m t-ticklish!” he squealed, but quieted as my hand traveled lower.
“I’m ready Con. Are you?”
He let out a gasp as I felt him through his boxers.
“Y-yes.”
We’d moved in together by now and slept in the same bed.
That night I stripped down to my boxers and climbed into the bed, Conley doing the same next to me.
“Con? I love you.”
He didn’t answer me for a moment before responding, “I l-love you too.”
I turned over so we were spooning and ran my hand lightly along his side at which he let out a giggle.
“I’m t-ticklish!” he squealed, but quieted as my hand traveled lower.
“I’m ready Con. Are you?”
He let out a gasp as I felt him through his boxers.
“Y-yes.”
That night I made love to him. I won’t go into to detail because I feel it’s too personal and I barely know you.
When I found out about his unhealthy habits a few days later I was distraught.
I heard a sound coming from the bathroom that sounding like throwing up. Worried about Conley I hurried in and pulled his hair out of his face.
“It’ll be okay. When you’re done I’ll go to the store and get some medicine.”
He whimpered a bit and I left him there, hurrying to get the medicine. I didn’t even think it would be something other than sickness.
When I got back I rushed to the bathroom to give him the medicine only to find something I never thought I’d see. He was shoving a toothbrush down his throat and forcing himself to throw up.
I walked over, holding his hair. When he pulled his hand away from his mouth I gently pried the toothbrush from his hand.
“Oh Conley…”
After he finally stopped we sat in silence for while.
“Why?” I asked simply.
“I’m f-fat,” he cried, tugging on the rolls of his stomach, “How can p-people l-love me when I’m f-fat?”
I admit he was a bit overweight. But not too much, he didn’t really have to worry about it.
“You’re perfect Conley. Just the way you are.”
He smiled and hesitantly pressed a kiss to my lips.
“It’ll be okay. When you’re done I’ll go to the store and get some medicine.”
He whimpered a bit and I left him there, hurrying to get the medicine. I didn’t even think it would be something other than sickness.
When I got back I rushed to the bathroom to give him the medicine only to find something I never thought I’d see. He was shoving a toothbrush down his throat and forcing himself to throw up.
I walked over, holding his hair. When he pulled his hand away from his mouth I gently pried the toothbrush from his hand.
“Oh Conley…”
After he finally stopped we sat in silence for while.
“Why?” I asked simply.
“I’m f-fat,” he cried, tugging on the rolls of his stomach, “How can p-people l-love me when I’m f-fat?”
I admit he was a bit overweight. But not too much, he didn’t really have to worry about it.
“You’re perfect Conley. Just the way you are.”
He smiled and hesitantly pressed a kiss to my lips.
Only a couple days later he was gone for the first time, leaving me in a troubled state.
When I woke up Con wasn’t next to me. I assumed he was making breakfast and went to the kitchen to greet him. Only when I got there I was greeted by a box of donuts with a note on top of them.
“Dear Icky,
I love you, but I love Justin more. I’m sorry. I thought we’d be together forever, but I guess not. I love you.
-Conley’
I fumed at the letter. Did he have to call me Icky? Stupid Yumie for putting that into his head. She was still hanging around him a lot and always was going on about how I wasn’t good enough for her Conley, when she was the one who brought us together.
I called my friend Amy in tears.
“C-Con…he left! H-He loves s-someone else m-more!” I sobbed into the phone.
She was over in a few minutes with a bucket of ice cream and comforting words.
“Dear Icky,
I love you, but I love Justin more. I’m sorry. I thought we’d be together forever, but I guess not. I love you.
-Conley’
I fumed at the letter. Did he have to call me Icky? Stupid Yumie for putting that into his head. She was still hanging around him a lot and always was going on about how I wasn’t good enough for her Conley, when she was the one who brought us together.
I called my friend Amy in tears.
“C-Con…he left! H-He loves s-someone else m-more!” I sobbed into the phone.
She was over in a few minutes with a bucket of ice cream and comforting words.
She was the one who helped me through the many times this happened. Every time she would beg me not to take him back. The first time he came back I wouldn’t even look her way. Not until he left again which was when I called her and told her she was right.
I heard and knock and the door and got up, assuming it was Amy.
“H-Hey Icky.”
I looked at the boy who had left me just a few weeks before and tears started prickling at my eyes.
“L-Look, I’m s-sorry for leaving y-you. I realized I l-loved you way more th-than I c-could ever love J-Justin. P-Please forgive me.”
I looked into his deep blue eyes and just couldn’t help but say yes.
“H-Hey Icky.”
I looked at the boy who had left me just a few weeks before and tears started prickling at my eyes.
“L-Look, I’m s-sorry for leaving y-you. I realized I l-loved you way more th-than I c-could ever love J-Justin. P-Please forgive me.”
I looked into his deep blue eyes and just couldn’t help but say yes.
That was a pattern that repeated itself four times. Four times I gave in to that evil man who just wanted to play with me. And over that period of time he changed from that slightly overweight boy with the cute sweaters to the skinny man-whore. He wore V-necks I don’t think should even be considered shirts, tight jeans that left almost nothing to the imagination. Then he would cake his face with makeup and go out. He never told me where, although it was obvious. I just turned a blind eye. Even to his puking. I guess that part was my own fault. I could’ve stopped him if I really wanted. I probably could’ve gotten him to stop cheating early on if I hadn’t blinded myself, refusing to believe it.
Sometimes being shy has its benefits and other times it completely destroys your life. This was one of those destroys your life times. I’d been too nervous to ask him about it and talk. Look where that got me.
First I lost him to Justin. Then Brian. Then Damien. And then Conner. Until finally I drew the line at the last guy, Stanley. I couldn’t even stomach the fact that he was with someone whose first name was the same as my last. Who even knew how many guys there were in between that he just cheated with, but weren't worth enough to leave me for?
Didn't he think of me and feel guilty? Didn’t he love me enough just to be content with me? Why did he keep doing this? And why did I keep taking him back just like Amy said I shouldn’t? And that was when I was finished with him. I still loved that boy to death, but it had to stop. I didn’t even know what it was about him that drew me in. He just had an allure.
Tears were streaming down his cheeks as I opened my door to a distraught Conley.
“H-He left! Even though he said he w-wouldn’t! P-Please, I s-still love you Icky. I still w-want to be with y-you.”
Tears started falling from my own eyes, but I didn’t stutter like he did. The anger coursing through my veins partly prevented it. I’d also dropped my stutter a while ago.
“I’m not a fill in! You can’t come running to me every time you get hurt by another guy. You’ve done this too many times already and I just can’t take you back. If I can’t be first in your heart then I don’t want to be in it at all. And I can’t take care of you well enough anyway. You starve yourself and throw up and nothing I can say will stop you! I can’t deal with you anymore. You put me through too much pain.”
“W-Why are you being so s-selfish?” he choked out.
“I’m not being selfish! Can’t you see yourself Conley? You’re the one who’s selfish. You come back here and play with my heart only to run off with another guy. And every time when he leaves you, who do you come to? Me! Just to run off a couple of months later. And then you fucking bash yourself every time I try to talk to you. I can’t have a simple conversation without you calling your now abnormally skinny body fat. I can’t take that! I love you. I fucking love you so goddamn much it hurts me. But how am I supposed to be with you when all you do is run away and toy with my feelings? I’m a person, Conley! I have those!”
His face was that familiar red color when I finished. But apparently this time it was because of anger, not embarrassment.
“You know, I thought you were different, Icky. I thought you loved me, unlike those boys.” I knew when he didn't stutter that he was completely serious. That he was pissed, as if he had a right to be.
And that was the edge for me. More tears spilled out of my eyes as I started yelling. Vaguely I realized we were still in the doorway, probably causing a scene, but I didn’t care.
“I am different! THOSE BOYS DON’T FUCKING LOVE YOU! They want to get in your fucking pants! I want to hold you and love you and call you mine forever, but you’re making it impossible. If I could just make you stop and see I would. Then we could spend eternity together and love each other. Maybe then you’d love me as much I as I loved you. I took you back four times already. Four times! I think that’s enough Conley. It was four times too many anyway. I just want you to leave and never come back.”
His lip trembled, bringing another wave of tears to my eyes. I hate seeing him hurt. And what made it worse was it was my fault. He’d just pushed me over the edge and I couldn’t take it anymore.
Then he got off my doorstep and into his car. I watched as he drove off, positive that was the last time I would see him. Then I shut the door, blocking out all the nosy neighbors who had peeked out to watch my drama, and fixed myself a cup of coffee, hoping it would calm me down.
“H-He left! Even though he said he w-wouldn’t! P-Please, I s-still love you Icky. I still w-want to be with y-you.”
Tears started falling from my own eyes, but I didn’t stutter like he did. The anger coursing through my veins partly prevented it. I’d also dropped my stutter a while ago.
“I’m not a fill in! You can’t come running to me every time you get hurt by another guy. You’ve done this too many times already and I just can’t take you back. If I can’t be first in your heart then I don’t want to be in it at all. And I can’t take care of you well enough anyway. You starve yourself and throw up and nothing I can say will stop you! I can’t deal with you anymore. You put me through too much pain.”
“W-Why are you being so s-selfish?” he choked out.
“I’m not being selfish! Can’t you see yourself Conley? You’re the one who’s selfish. You come back here and play with my heart only to run off with another guy. And every time when he leaves you, who do you come to? Me! Just to run off a couple of months later. And then you fucking bash yourself every time I try to talk to you. I can’t have a simple conversation without you calling your now abnormally skinny body fat. I can’t take that! I love you. I fucking love you so goddamn much it hurts me. But how am I supposed to be with you when all you do is run away and toy with my feelings? I’m a person, Conley! I have those!”
His face was that familiar red color when I finished. But apparently this time it was because of anger, not embarrassment.
“You know, I thought you were different, Icky. I thought you loved me, unlike those boys.” I knew when he didn't stutter that he was completely serious. That he was pissed, as if he had a right to be.
And that was the edge for me. More tears spilled out of my eyes as I started yelling. Vaguely I realized we were still in the doorway, probably causing a scene, but I didn’t care.
“I am different! THOSE BOYS DON’T FUCKING LOVE YOU! They want to get in your fucking pants! I want to hold you and love you and call you mine forever, but you’re making it impossible. If I could just make you stop and see I would. Then we could spend eternity together and love each other. Maybe then you’d love me as much I as I loved you. I took you back four times already. Four times! I think that’s enough Conley. It was four times too many anyway. I just want you to leave and never come back.”
His lip trembled, bringing another wave of tears to my eyes. I hate seeing him hurt. And what made it worse was it was my fault. He’d just pushed me over the edge and I couldn’t take it anymore.
Then he got off my doorstep and into his car. I watched as he drove off, positive that was the last time I would see him. Then I shut the door, blocking out all the nosy neighbors who had peeked out to watch my drama, and fixed myself a cup of coffee, hoping it would calm me down.
That was the day he left, although not for good like I had expected. He called me every day and when I didn’t pick up started coming to my house every day.
That was how I ended up here in this house, with new phone numbers. I just couldn’t take him back, not again.
That was how I ended up staring at this cup of coffee in front of me, not able to force myself to drink it. That was how I ended up doing nothing but play the cello for two weeks. It was one of the things he continuously said he loved about me. Finally Amy found me and said that I needed to move somewhere he couldn’t get to me and change my numbers. The contact would just affect me even worse. I begged her to come with me and thankfully, being the best friend in the world, she agreed.
That was how I lost my love with Conley Fucking Dracen, the boy who toyed with my fragile heart and dropped it too many times to count. The boy who went from having those cute pullover sweaters to V-necks and skinny jeans. The boy that, still, even after all that, I loved. The boy I want so much to hate, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.
A part of me felt as if I would always love him. And I guess he would always have a piece of my heart. One of those broken shards he’d forgotten to give back to me. I was madly in love with that boy and I never knew someone could abuse a love that much.
Looking back on it I see just how bad our relationship really was from the very beginning. We couldn’t even talk to each other correctly. And I know it’s not my fault but I just can’t help but wonder what I did wrong. When did he stop loving me too? Or did he even love me at all? Was I just his back up because he always needed someone there even if he didn’t love them? As long as they loved him it was ok?
Either way, I don’t think I’ll ever be the same after that relationship. I’ll always tread more carefully now. Because I never want to have my heart broken again like I was by Mr. Conley Fucking Dracen. That boy’s a dragon that likes to spit out its prey before eating it again and again. And I’m not in love with him. No, I’m in love with his memory.
“Ichabod? Are you thinking of him again? I’ve told you it’s not healthy. Just let yourself forget. You’ll be better off.”
I looked at the beautiful girl sitting across from me, holding her coffee.
“You know Amy, you’re right. I think I might just be able to move on.”
I was just glad to have a great friend pulling me through.
♠ ♠ ♠
I thought this was actually pretty good, it was the longest one-shot I've ever written. :D Hoped you liked it. And Dracen means dragon like Ichabod called Conley at the end. I love doing that in all my stories. :)Please comment.